Bette could only stare at Alicia with a look of confusion and this sensuous, passion filled lust and shame for this was her first kiss with a woman. Feeling the moment was just beyond right Bette then pulled Alicia into her, almost demanding the touch of her tongue on hers she kissed her strong, and hard. This thrilling, new experience and excitement lit Bette from the inside out, her nerves were on end as she felt Alicia’s hands slide from the side of her face down to the slopes of her *****, her hands then traveled to the small of her back grabbing her and insisting more intensity from her. Realizing she felt dizzy, ” Oh God ” she breathed as the shallow, short comment was exhaled from her body, Bette pulled away from her again not knowing whether it was the lack of oxygen getting to her brain or the sensation Alicia gave her every time he r eyes rolled onto hers, Bette said,




“Uhh,… I,… Umm…” Bette was completely at a loss for words for the first time in a long time she couldn’t do anything to fix what just happened. Or change the way Alicia opened her world in the short time she spent with her. With her hand still attached to her mouth searching for words, she could only watch as Alicia sauntered over to the blanket where Melito was still sleeping, gathered him in her arms and approached Bette never taking her dancing eyes away from hers she said “It’s getting late you’d better get going over there before they think you ‘ve gotten lost.” her voice so seductive and enchanting to Bette, she could only obey. Bette walked and nothing could silence her mind from screaming ” What the ***** is wrong with you?, That’s Mel’s girl?, That kiss felt so…” before she knew it she was being hugged by everyone at Nanna’s house. The loud music and smoke filled house only made it harder for Bette to concentrate on the problem she faced when she got home.



Slowly sipping the bottle of rum her uncle Joaquin slipped her she sat on the porch feeling an unexplainable amount o guilt over whether or not she should engage in this relationship with this woman. And if she really was ***** why of all the people to discover herself with , why in the ***** did it have to Mel’s girl. Thousands upon thousands of questions racked her brain, although they were slowly becoming few and far between thanks to the rum the heavy ones still weighed upon her mind and face.



“Hey Cuz? What you got?” Carmen said smiling at the idea of Bette drunk because she herself had already become drunk waiting for Bette to arrive. Carmen stumbled over to take a seat next to Bette as she offered her some of what was left of her rum., they both sat sipping and looking deep into the sky.



“Carmen, I’ve done something so wrong.” she said barely speaking but whispering the last part.



“Girl, you alright, you look like … I don’t know?”she said leaning back taking in her face full of emotion.



“No, ” she said dropping her head in shame. “I promise, I’m going to tell you everything but right now I gotta figure this out.” she said staggering off the porch and slowly but carefully walking home. With the effects of the rum turning the room , Bette just passed out on the living room couch. The night passed and Bette was still asleep, it was nearing noon and the alcohol finally hit her. She could only thank God that her hair was already pinned up and that the bathroom was close. Hoping that the effects of the rum would wear off by the time Mel’s casket would arrive Bette made an endless amount of coffee for herself to drink.




“Oh God, make that two cups, Cuz .”she heard Carmen groan from the backroom as she walked into the room with her big sunglasses on. Bette looked over the counter to see Carmen hung over worse than her.



“Where’s Alicia?” Carmen asked Bette.



“I don’t know she was supposed to be in the backroom with Melito, but she wasn’t there this morning when I went to go check on her. Hey you remember what we talked about last night?” she asked lowering her head to talk to Carmen.



“Cuz I can barely remember the clothes I some how came out of .” she said pointing to the obvious fact that she was in a big sleeping shirt.



“I was going to tell you never mind, don’t worry about it.” Bette said going into bathroom trying to look at the very least presentable for her Nanna. “Hey Carmen, you’d better get dressed before Nanna gets here she said she wanted to have lunch with us today.”



“Oh, ***** Ohhww, ***** ” Carmen responded as she took her coffee into her room and proceeded to get ready. Soon Nanna showed up with food fit for a harvest. Bette set up the table in the backyard as Nanna set the plates they sat down and of course they couldn’t touch the food before grace, but closing her eyes Bette only recalled the visual conversation she had with Alicia’s dancing eyes. They were eating and talking like they used to do when they were children and Nanna would have all her grand kids at lunch together, except they were missing the comedic relief that was usually Mel.



“Child are you alright?” Nanna asked seeing that Bette’s mind was somewhere else.



“No, I’m fine Nanna,” she said knowing she was lying and was about to tell an intentional lie, “I’m just worried about tonight.”



“I know baby, but we’re here with you.” Nanna said taking both Bette and Carmen’s hand. Bette just smiled nonchalantly and just hating herself even more for lying to Nanna. Just then the bell rang and it was the funeral home ready for set up. They came in around the back and set up the casket holder and the crank to lower it. It was a little to much for Bette she asked Nanna to stay with Carmen while she went for a walk to clear her mind.




Bette walked down the cliff to walk and listen to the ocean, while the noise of the gunshot rang inside her head along with the sound of the glass breaking last night. It was bad enough that she woke to the sound of the gunshot every night, but now the sound of the glass breaking and the gunshot was on continuum. She some how ended up at the rocks where she and her mother would watch the ships go by and watch the sunset. It was always just the two of them. (“Look mijha, it’s the one with the blue on it.”) Her mother’s voice haunted her with every ruff edge of the rocks. Bette sat down and remembered falling asleep so much under her mother that she could hear, and feel her heartbeat, she remembered the sounds of her mothers breaths. And for the first time she cried out loud and outward, wanting only to just be alone Carmen soon appeared , Bette trying to save face quickly wiped her face, and said ” Carmen, did you leave Nanna up there by herself?”




“No, Bette let it out, ok I’ve watched you over the last couple of days trying to keep it in and Baby, you gotta let it go.” Carmen said looking deep into her eyes trying to find the emotion she knew she was trying to hide. Feeling weak she collapsed in Carmen’s arms falling into her lap and crying like a newborn. She wailed, for the first time in a long time it didn’t hurt as much to cry. Carmen just rocked her and held for as long as she wanted , with her head still in Carmen’s lap Bette said,



“Carmen?”



“Yeah, sweetie.”



“I did something so …….wrong.”



“What’s wrong sweetie.” she said as gently as she could without sounding to anxious for the answer.



“I …..kissed her.”



“Kissed who?”



“Alicia.”



“What? When did this happen? Last night, here?”



“Wait, wait, ok because you can’t …”



“Bette your *****?”



“YES I think, I don’t know? Ok this is all so ***** new to me.” Bette shouted as she was now standing up preparing to go back to the house. Carmen rose to look Bette in the face as Bette was about to walk off,



“Bette wait a minute, you know I love you no matter what, right?” Bette just nodded in agreement.



“Ok so why did you kiss Alicia?”



“I don’t know what happened. I had her drink in my hand and she just kissed me so….right, ya know? It was almost as if when I looked in her eyes I knew what she wanted but I knew that I didn’t want to fight it. It was almost as if it was natural to me, ya know?”Bette said as they were both heading up the cliff.



Carmen’s mind was blown she knew that Alicia was bisexual but she had no idea that Bette was anywhere near *****. Just as they were coming up the cliff with just enough sight to see that the funeral home had Mel’s coffin on the crank. She just sighed and headed straight for the house, knowing how hard the next coupler of hours would be.



Bette and Carmen sat talked for a while about the entire situation and Bette came to the conclusion that she would see whether or not Alicia made the first move again if not she would go back home and call it a one night mistake. Bette needed her to indicate some sort of remembrance of the look she gave her when she drew her into her again. The family started to arrive and of course Carmen wasn’t ready so Bette was alone to say hello and gather everyone for the sunset burial. It was when Bette had her back to the door and she was talking to her Auntie Toni that she felt a sudden extreme heat rise from her body and she turned to lock eyes with “Alicia.”.she breathed……………..