I thought we could spend the evening
together..

Bette’s work day at the CAC had come to its end, well she had made it come to its end, the show was well on its way to being completed and her stress levels had thankfully dissipated, but her mind had been full of making time to spend with Tina.

Their time together recently had not reached its full potential, in fact it was pretty non existent, and when they were spending time together, all they seemed to be doing was nit picking at each other or disagreeing about something trivial. It seemed that their struggles of trying to start a family were wearing thin on both of them.

Bette knew she loved Tina with a vengeance, but she also knew that she didn’t show it often enough. Questions often ran through Bette’s mind about whether she supported Tina enough emotionally or whether she was satisfied with their physical relationship, or did she do enough around the house, or just even spend enough quality time together, it was different spending time with their friends, they shared each other during those times, Bette often just sat and watched how animated Tina became when they were out with their friends, she loved to watch her interacting with others, her facial expressions, the way she laughed and carried herself, it was at those times, when Tina was completely unaware, that Bette always fell in love a little bit deeper than she ever thought possible.

Well tonight she was going to make the effort of going home early so that they could do just that, spend some quality time together, on their own..

Bette parked her car and gathered her jacket and bag. She opened the front door and locked it behind her, as she turned she saw Tina turn the corner into the lounge, Bette smiled and walked towards her love.

Tina hadn’t heard the front door and as she came into the lounge she suddenly stopped when she saw Bette walking toward her.

“Hi,” Bette said as she walked toward Tina, with a small smile in her face.

“Hey!” Was Tina’s blunt reply. “I uh, thought you were hanging the show.?” Tina questioned, her face expressing puzzlement and some slight annoyance at the unexpected intrusion.

Bette reached Tina and leaned forward to place a kiss on Tina’s cheek, she let out a little breath before answering.

“Annie’s got it under control I thought we could spend the rest of the evening together!” Bette looked pleased with herself.

“Oh, I need to exercise; I’m feeling a little tense.” Tina was moving her hand containing her car keys to reinforce the fact she was just on her way out, the annoyance continuing to show on her face and in the tone of her voice.

Bette watched Tina walk to the door, she gave a little sigh and looked down, feeling defeated, “Fine, I guess I should have called first!” 

Tina turned as she reached the door, replying to Bette’s comment, “Yeah…”

Bette watched her girlfriends exiting figure, although feeling down trodden, she could still appreciate the view in front of her.

“Hey T…”

Tina turned, halfway out of the door, annoyance written plainly across her face, “What?”

Bette was taken aback at the harshness in Tina’s voice, her face showed the emotion that the words wreaked on her, she felt the familiar constricting within her throat, it seemed it was a feeling that was becoming more frequent of late, she felt the immediate sting behind her eyes, confirming that her emotions may present themselves visually at any moment.

Bette sighed, looking back at Tina; she pursed her lips together and gave a slight defeated smile, “It doesn’t matter…”

“What…were…you…going…to…say?” Tina was not even attempting to hide the frustration and annoyance from her voice.

Bette frowned, casting a questioning gaze toward her life partner as to why she should warrant such a harsh reply from her.

“Really, it doesn’t matter; it wasn’t important, you go and exercise.” Bette turned and began to walk away, the sound of the door ricocheting against its frame as Tina slammed it closed on her way out.

Bette tossed her keys onto the table and allowed her arm to drop loudly as it slapped against her thigh. She tossed her bag and coat on the chair as she was passing.The familiar constricting in Bette’s throat became a little tighter, the sting in her eyes becoming sharper the closer she got to the bedroom. She needed to escape this overwhelming emotion that was bubbling to the surface; she couldn’t let this feeling keep from spilling over.

She entered the bedroom and flopped herself down on the bed; she laid back and covered her eyes with her hands as the salty solution began their escape down the rounded path of Bette’s cheek.

After a few moments she turned, laid on her stomach and reached for the picture on the bedside table, she looked intently at the scene ensconced within the frame in her hands. It was a perfect moment caught by the shutter of their friend’s camera; it had captured them when completely unaware that they were being imprinted as a photographic subject. The gaze shared between the subjects of the photograph was of pure undeniable love, their arms entwined around each other, their noses touching, their smiles telling each other that they were the only ones who existed in the world and their eyes existed for each other only.

The day Bette had asked Tina to marry her was one of the happiest she could ever remember.

Bette replaced the photograph on the beside table and arose from the bed, she sighed heavily; the tears had subsided but in their place came the completely empty feeling filling her stomach with dread.

She quietly walked to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of wine, opened it and got a glass from the cupboard. She took the two items and trudged toward the patio doors, she solemnly descended the wooden steps toward the pool and took a seat on the chair by the pool.

Tina was sat in her car, still parked in the driveway, with tears streaming down her face, deliberating what had just transpired in the house. Why did they keep getting at one another? Why did she just snap at Bette when all Bette had done is come home early to spend time with her? Tina knew she was being unreasonable to Bette, but at the moment she just couldn’t seem to stop herself, she wished she wasn’t being like this, but how could she tell Bette how she was feeling, that she needed her, desperately, that she was feeling like a failure because she couldn’t get pregnant and let them have the family they desperately wanted, why couldn’t Bette tell how she was feeling, why did she spend so much time at work.

Tina had so many thoughts raging through her mind, she was angry with Bette, but none of this was even Bette’s fault, it was no-one’s fault, there was no blame to lay at anyone’s door, but she was unfairly laying it all right in front of Bette. She had seen the love in Bette’s eyes just now and she had taken it, screwed it up and thrown it straight back at her.

She needed to put this right, to talk to Bette, tell her how she was feeling and to apologise, she needed to tell Bette how much she loved her and how much she needed her.

Bette had quickly drunk her first glass of wine, she was now sipping her second when she heard someone calling her name, as she looked up to where the sound was coming from, she saw Shane waving over the fence.

“Hey Bette, you ok?” Shane asked, she had been walking up her path and had noticed the solemn look surrounding her friend; she was gazing deeply into the swimming pool and look like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders.

“Yeah Shane, I’m Ok, do you want to come over?” Bette replied, company was the last thing on her agenda but somehow, things never seemed to turn out they way she wanted them to at home lately.

Shane approached slowly and sat in the seat next to Bette, Bette offered the bottle of wine, “you fancy a one; I can go get another glass?”

“No, I’m good thanks,” Shane said, looking intently at Bette, wondering what was making her friend appear so sad.

Bette continued to stare at the pool, not saying anything to her new visitor, Shane looked on not sure whether to begin a conversation or just excuse herself and leave Bette to her thoughts.

“Bette, are you sure your OK, would you rather I leave?” concern lacing her voice.

“No, its OK Shane you don’t have to go, but I’m not good company right now!” Bette looked up and their eyes met.

“What’s up Bette, is there anything I can do?” Bette gave a little sarcastic laugh,

“I don’t think so Shane, but thanks anyway.”

“Hey come on, surely things can’t be that bad, can they? You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders Bette.”

Tina was making her way up the steps to the house when she heard voices coming from the pool area, she quietly walked around the corner and saw Bette and Shane by the pool, in what seemed to be, deep conversation. She inched her way forward, not wanting to be seen.

Shane caught a movement out of the corner of her eye and averted her gaze past Bette to see Tina standing within the shadows, as soon as Tina realised that Shane had seen her she raised her forefinger up to her lips in a “shhh” statement, Shane realised that Tina didn’t want Bette to know that only a few metres behind her was her partner listening to what she was about to say.

Tina sat on the step leading to the decked area; she leaned her elbows on her knees and cupped her own face. From the way the light was shining Shane could see the tears gently making their way down Tina’s face. Something was very wrong here, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to be in the middle of a Bette & Tina domestic.

“Things are worse than bad Shane!” Bette voice brought Shane’s gaze back to her.

“Why do you say that Bette, where is Tina?”

“Huh, she wanted to go and exercise, apparently she was feeling a little tense.” Bette voice held some sarcasm.

“Well, what’s wrong with getting some exercise, you know she likes to keep fit.” 

Bette gave a heavy sigh, “Yeah I know she does Shane, you know, I’m sorry, maybe its best if I just sit here alone, you don’t want to hear all that I have going around my head right now.”

“Ok, if that’s what you want, I’ll leave you alone, but if you ever want to talk, you know where I am OK, in your own time.” Shane didn’t want to press Bette further, especially with Tina sitting in the shadows, this was nothing to do with her but she was willing to listen if either of them wanted to talk. Shane started to rise out of her seat. “I’ll see you aro”

“I don’t think she wants me anymore Shane.” Bette’s tears had begun to escape once again.

Shane looked past Bette as she heard a slight intake of breath coming from the shadows, unsure whether Bette had also heard it she looked back at Bette, who was so deep within her own thoughts that it would be impossible for her to of heard the noise behind her.

“What do you mean Bette, who doesn’t want you?”

“Tina. I feel like I’m losing her and I don’t know what to do,” the tears were now coursing down her face at a rapid rate.

“Why are you losing her, has something happened between you two?” Shane’s eyes were darting back and forth between the two broken women within her vision.

“I don’t know is the honest answer, if something has happened then I’m completely oblivious to it, have I missed something here Shane? Has something happened either to Tina or me or us and I’ve completely missed it. We seemed to be drifting apart and I don’t know how to reach out for her. It’s almost like she doesn’t want me to reach her, you know?” Bette was trying voice the thoughts and find answers to questions she hadn’t realised existed.

“Wow man, Iuh I didn’t know you guys weren’t getting on, well, I’ve noticed that you’ve not been quite as close recently but I guess I never realised it went deeper than that.” Shane seemed genuinely shocked to find out that her very dear friends were at a crisis point in their life. These two people who she looked up to, who she loved like the family she had never had herself, it tore her apart to think that they were falling apart.

She looked past Bette to see Tina covering her face, her shoulders gently shaking, giving a clear indication that she was very upset about the words she was hearing.

“Do you know Shane, I have never loved anyone or anything in my life like I love that woman, and it really scares the ***** out of me when I think about it, about how intensely I feel about her. You know when I met her and fell in love with her it totally shook me to the core about how deeply I could fall in love with one person, and it keeps getting deeper, the longer we’re together the deeper I fall in love with her, I just watch her sometimes, when she doesn’t know I’m looking, and I just melt, you know, she just makes me fall in love that little bit more without even realizing it. Then she’ll turn around and just smile at me, her eyes dance when she looks at me and then she makes me feel like no one else in the world exists, we can be in a room full of people and she just looks at me and its just us, no-one else – her and me.”

Shane felt the tears well in her eyes, she had never heard Bette talk so passionately about anything, even art, they all knew that Tina was the love of her life, but she had never heard these intense feelings being verbalised by Bette before.

“But. You know, it feels like I’ve lost that from her when she looks at me now, her eyes don’t dance anymore Shane, they’ve lost their sparkle, it feels like when she looks at me she just wants to run the other way, and I can’t cope with that, I couldn’t live anymore if she doesn’t want me. I wouldn’t want to live if she wasn’t in my life.”

Bette’s head dropped as the tears flowed like never before, she brought her head up and tipped it back to look at the stars filling the sky, “my heart is breaking Shane, and it hurts so ***** much, all I want is Tina, and my heart is in so many pieces right now that I just don’t know what to do! She holds it all Shane, every single piece of my heart.”

Tina stood and made her way over to the two women, Shane looked past Bette and saw Tina approaching. Bette looked around when she heard something behind her. Her eyes met with Tina’s and they locked together, Tina continued walking towards Bette, the tears continued to fall down two sets of faces, Tina stopped in front of Bette’s chair and knelt before her, their eyes never leaving the others.