Living In Entropy – L.I.E. – 02.06 – Shadow Of Me 


            Pez sat in the ER, worried for two reasons both of them had been bothering her since she’d taken a header over Shane‘s truck. First her ribs were still bothering her second, they shouldn’t have been.  She juggled the three bottles of pills from one hand to another, and waited for the ER doctor to come back. 

            When she’d been hurt during the 9/11 tragedies, she had lost the use of her legs, the three operation’s she’d received afterwards had helped her regain the use of her legs.  They had not, however, given her sensation in them.  So she could walk but if she stubbed a toe, she’d never have been the wiser.

            The doctor walked in and introduced herself and Pez instantly forgot her name, she saw the stack of charts she was carrying and Pez just knew it was bad, how bad it was, she wasn’t sure.  As long as she stayed out of that chair, the damn wheel chair that had carried her around for almost the better part of a year. 

            “Alexandria Pezinni.  You have one heck of a file going here.  It took me over half and hour to pull out what I needed from it just so I could come in here and talk to you about it.”  The doctor said, flipping the pages, Alex was watching her read, not watching where her hand was, and she felt a sharp jab in her lower leg.

            “OUCH!  Fuck!”  Alex said the doctor’s clear eyes watched her reaction; Pez blinked, and rubbed the spot where the doctor had jabbed at her.  “I felt that.  How can that be?  I am not supposed to feel that, the swelling in my spine is supposed to keep me from feeling, that nerve was severed.  They said I’d be able to walk but I can’t feel…..”  She was stunned and the doctor put the chart down, she shrugged.  A sexy smile graced her lips as she met Alex‘s eyes, honesty emulated from the doctor’s eyes.

            “We aren’t infallible seems that the nerve might not have been severed, it was being pinched, compressed.  It was not severed can’t have been, something jogged you back into position, and now it’s fine.  You can feel I don’t know why you didn’t notice it earlier.  More than likely it’s because you are so accustom to not feeling, that you didn’t realize you were having tactile sensations.

            “Can it go away?”  Alex asked, always expecting the worst, because that was always what seemed to happen to her.  She rubbed her hands together and the doctor, in a set of dark green scrubs chuckled.

            “More than likely not.  I don’t suggest going and throwing yourself in front of oncoming traffic to see if you can take that.  I can tell you that the MIR and CAT scan came back clear, the operation you had two years ago can now be classified as being 100 percent successful.”  Pez chuckled lightly to herself, thinking that was just what had happened, Shane and her dangerous truck.

            A nurse came in and cleared her throat to get the doctor’s attention, the doctor turned and nodded at the nurse.

            “Dr. Vance?  We have a multiple trauma pulling up we’d need another set of capable hands and you own those hands.”  The nurse said, jogging away and Sam turned around and looked at Pez.

            “Congratulation, you are free to go, just a few papers to sign at the desk.  Have fun with your new found legs Officer Pezinni.”  Sam stated, going off to see what other good she could do that day, leaving Pez standing in the room, wondering, now what?

*****

            Dana sat on the couch the same spot where she and Alice had fucked not all that long ago.  Alice, what were you doing?  I know you well enough to know you have something up your sleeve.  What is it?  Dana stared off into space as she thought, and thought.  Alice and her schemes plots and plans.  Dana looked up at a picture of her, Shane, Alice, and Tina that sat on the small table beside the couch and she grabbed it, rubbing her thumb over Alice as if she were willing the picture to talk.

            “Think like Alice Dane.  Think like Alice.  You’ve got to figure out what is going on with Alice and with you.”  She got up and chewed on her nail, worrying it until it bled, and then she sucked on it, savoring the copper taste of her blood.  She walked back and forth across the living room floor.  She stopped at the stereo, looking at it with a lopsided grin.

            “Think like Alice.”  Dana repeated, her new mantra of the day as she looked through the CD collection and found the mix that Alice had made her last summer, a group called The Murmurs that Dana, being the clueless lush that she was, had never heard of.  She put the CD into the player and cranked the music, she didn’t know what song it was, and just that it was something that Alice would listen too. 

            She bopped her head, biting her lower lip as she thought, and delved into her brain, she had a college degree she could think.  Think Dana, fucking think Fairbanks.  Forget about your parents, forget about Tonya, and just think!

            “Think like Alice, come on Dana you are not a one witted brainless bimbo that is only good at hitting a tennis ball.”  She muttered to herself her feet carrying her around the house aimlessly.  She found herself at her closet, and she pulled off all her clothes, standing naked at the door of the closet except for her underwear a pair of black thongs. 

            She pulled out a shirt that looked like something that Alice would wear.  White shirt with, form fitting and alluring.  Definitely Alice.  Alice who wore her sexuality on her sleeve or lack there of sleeve.  She pulled off the gold chain she was wearing and went over to find a choker that Alice had given her ages ago, and Dana had never worn because it was much to ‘dyke’ for the then in the closet Dana.  She slipped it on and then walked over to look for pants. 

            She found a pair of low riding jeans and she jumped into them.  She was about to button them and she pulled them off again, taking off the underwear and throwing them to the left.  She put the jeans on, feeling odd with no underwear but she didn’t care.  She found a belt and thought it looked Alice-like. 

            “All right, think like Alice.”  She said, tussling her hair around and rubbing her eyes as she felt the pressure of thinking weighing down on her shoulders. 

            She walked out of the bedroom and walked around the house again, thinking.  Her face a mask of confusion as she did this, different emotions played on her face as the songs seemed to be playing at double speed.  Dana’s mind moving at half speed, never being able to shift the gears to think like Alice.  She pulled her finger from her mouth, Alice never chewed her nails.  She twirled her hair so Dana did that.  She stopped in front of the full-length mirror and said out loud.

            “Fuck.  I do look like her.”  Dana muttered and then she saw it, she knew what Alice was up too.  She felt it deep inside of her, she could see the gears in Alice’s brain working over time, the only way to make her think twice about being with Tonya, was making her want to be with someone else.

            “Oh the fuck you are going to mess with me like that.”  Dana said, she’d figured out what Alice was up too. 

*****

            Vanessa walked up and opened the door of Alex’s apartment, they lived in the same house but Alex had a ‘room’ over the garage.  Once she’d been able to walk again after her accident she’d wanted to be able to go up a flight of stairs and she wanted to give Vanessa her privacy also. 

            “Hey.”  Came Alex’s voice thick with her New York accent as she sat sullenly on the top step holding a bottle of beer between her fingertips.

            “Hey yourself.”  Vanessa walked up to her sat one step below her and looked up at her older sister that was as much her mother as her sister.  Their parents had died when she’d been seven, and Alex had been 17.  Alex had not wanted them to be broken apart, fearing that she’d never see her sister again she’d passed her GED and gone to bartending.  With the help of one of their neighbors, Miss Ana Martin, who’d babysat the young Vanessa when Alex would go off to work they’d stayed together.  They’d beat the odds. 

            “You ok?”  Vanessa asked and Alex nodded her face pale as Vanessa resisted the urge to reach out to her sister.  Alex hated to be touched smothered, or held down.  Vanessa didn’t know where or why the phobia had begun since when she’d been younger she’d never remembered Alex having this problem.  She saw Alex search Vanessa’s face, the cop investigating she supposed.

            “I’m ok.  I just freaked.”  That was Alex’s way of saying don’t bring it up any more.

            “Ok.  Well, thank you.”  Vanessa said, a bright grin painting her face in a new light as Alex gave her a confused look.

            “For?”

            “The CAR!” Alex finally smiled this small barely there smile that made her look very mischievous. 

            “I thought you deserved it.  You’ve been working hard taking one class at a time.”  Alex grumbled, but Vanessa rolled her eyes and Alex immediately relented.

            “You know you didn’t have too but I sure am glad you did.  I saw the new bike, a BMW huh?  Well, well is my big sister moving up in the world.  No Harley for this dyke on a bike.”  Vanessa quipped and Alex twapped her in the back of the head playfully and Vanessa dramatically snapped her head forward, and Alex grunted.

            “Drama queen.”

            “Dyke.”  Vanessa said with a laugh in her voice.

            “Wench.”  Alex shot back.

            “Cunt licker.”  Came rattling off of Vanessa’s tongue, her smile playing on her lips.

            “Cock sucker.”  Alex said, bursting into laughter at the old trick that Vanessa had always used as a child and had modified it over the years.  Vanessa stood up, and kissed Alex’s nose.

            “I have a sexy swim couch waiting for me down in my end of the house, try and be quiet when you come down and have your midnight snack ok?”

            “Like you’ll hear me with all the fucking, sucking, moaning and groaning that goes on in the room of pleasure.”  Alex snorted and Vanessa started down the stairs and Alex added, “Play safe ok?”  Vanessa nodded and she closed the door quietly and Alex sat and drank the rest of her beer in silence.  She took the crystal snowflake out of her pocket, she looked at it in the soft light, and she muttered.

            “What would you do if you knew I was up and walking again?  Would you come after me?  Would you want me to go back to being yours?”  She asked the charm Alex’s eyes flashed all the emotions that were playing inside of her at the moment.  Turmoil, lust, something that was once love and fear.  She put the snowflake back into her pocket, she walked down the stairs, leaving the almost full beer at the bottom steps and walked outside. 

*****

            Alice stomped around her office desperately trying to sort out her emotions, and suddenly Maura was standing at the door.  Right in the middle of my breakdown, thought Alice, how perfect.  Alice twisted a lock of her darker hair around her finger as she paced the floor.

            “What have you got on the burner Alice?  Anything good worth a read?  Since I see, you keep any hours you want.  Which is fine of course, you are a free lance writer.”  Maura said, her dark auburn hair shimmering in the late afternoon sun.  Alice swallowed, what was it about this chick that threw her off?

            “Nothing really, I’m having a total major writer’s block.”  Alice admitted, and it was true, she hadn’t been able to write a sentence since kissing Dana.

            “I want you to cover the Fairbanks wedding I know it’s not our standard fair….”  Maura began, her hands stuffed deep into her pockets and Alice was shaking her head back and forth.

            “Can’t do it.”  Alice said shuffling papers on her desk and Maura closed the door of the office and she put her hands on her hips.  She took a deep breath Alice was one of those writers that hated to be told what to do, and how to write.  She could handle that, what she could not handle was being turned down cold before having been heard out.

            “Ok, I know you don’t like the way I want to run the ship, but I am your editor Alice.”  Maura said with some reproach and Alice seemed to start to fume, something inside of her bubbled and Maura saw that it was about to boil over.

            “I’m a friend of Dana’s.”  Alice said trying to control her voice, but she found that it was strained, and she took a deep breath, attempting to steady herself.

            “Oh.  Even better.”  Maura said, thinking that was great an inside track to one of the biggest lesbian wedding, bigger than Melissa Ethridge and Tammy Lynn, because one of the brides was going all out with the publicity.

            “There will be no wedding.”  Alice stated firmly and Maura looked at Alice, and the way she was acting.  Maura studied her for a moment she didn’t know Alice at all, but she knew the signs.  She saw them all now, Alice was displaying them on her sleeve, and did Dana know that Alice was in love with her?

            “You are in love with her.”  Maura pointed out and Alice scoffed rolling her eyes at her boss, don’t do things like that Alice its bad for your job security.

            “No.”  Alice said not really believing it.  She most certainly wasn’t falling in love with Dana; there was no way, never.

            “You are look at you?  Your heart rate is jumping.  Your face is flushed, Alice sit down.”  Maura said, pulling out the chair and Alice did as she was told.  She rubbed her face and her phone rang, Maura snapped it up.

            “Tell them to call back later.”  Maura snapped into the phone and Alice looked up at the gorgeous woman and sighed.  Dykes, they loved drama, didn’t they?

*****

            Shane rolled over in the bed and she opened one eye, seeing the women she’d been with earlier laying there with her.  Blonde, very sexy and tall, lord the woman was legs for days.  She sat up in the bed and she didn’t see her clothes.  They were in the other room of the hotel room, and Shane dislodged herself from the blonde’s arm that was draped casually over her chest. 

            “Leaving?”  The woman said and Shane nodded, not having wanted to wake her.  She finally found her name in the roster that was in her head.  She smiled, loving her memory at times, at other times it was the bane of her very existence.

            “Yeah, I have to Amy.  It was great I’ll call ya.”  Shane said her standard good bye in the wee hours of the morning.  Shane looked down at her watch and saw it was afternoon, oh fuck she thought.

            “Please don’t call.”  Amy said and Shane cocked her head to the left, this wasn’t the usual response she was used too.  Amy saw her face and she laughed, sitting up and her green eyes stabbing at Shane’s heart.  That woman had the greenest emerald eyes she’d ever seen, and she was a natural blonde.  Legs for days and hands that just found every spot of pleasure on your body like no other.

            “Ok….”  Shane said finding her clothes and Amy followed her to the door, Shane pulled her shirt on.  She was enjoying taunting Shane the sexy androgynous woman that she’d picked up, but she’d let Shane think it was the other way around.

            “Don’t get me wrong, it was great, I have a girlfriend.”  Amy said, and Shane laughed now she understood.  She didn’t want to get caught with her hands in the cookie jar named Shane.

            “Don’t want to get found out, I get that.”  Shane nodded, feeling better, her ego not as bruised as before.

            “Oh that’s cool and everything Jo doesn’t care about that.  I just like to keep it simple you know?”  Amy said and Shane sighed, another woman in a relationship, she really knew how to pick them, didn’t she?

            “Her name is Jo?  That’s a butch name if ever I heard one.”  Shane grinned, finding her pants behind the small couch and sliding into them as she sat on the couch.

            “She’s something like that not that Shane isn’t as butch a name right?”  Amy shot back, pulling on her shirt also feeling odd at being naked when Shane was dressing.

            “Hey, can I ask you something?”  Shane asked and Amy leaned against the wall and she said with a grin that Shane could get lost in.  Amy instantly saw the reaction to her smiling and she kept right on doing it, Jo would love this story when they got home next week.

            “You just did but you can ask another one if you want.”  Shane rolled her eyes at the joke and she got up, moving over to Amy, who looked ten times sexier now than she had at Milk last night.

            “What’s your last name?”  Amy narrowed her eyes and she found that Shane’s eyes were honest and Amy touched her face gently, trailing her fingertips down the side of her face and along the jaw line.

            “Astin, Amy Astin.”  Shane smiled, kissing her finger tips as she opened the door, and she walked out of the door, and then leaned back in.

            “It was a pleasure Astin, Amy Astin.”  Shane said and disappeared out the door and Amy couldn’t help but grin, she was a charmer that on too bad, her heart was lost and her soul was in tatters.

*****

            Tina sat on the edge of the pool her feet in the warm water but she didn’t feel like diving in.  She’d left Helena’s and she wasn’t sure if she was every going back.  Helena was just another version of Bette, successful, sweet, but still demanding of her time.  Tina leaned back and lay on the cool ground, staring up at the pale stars.  Would she ever find what she wanted in a woman, any other woman besides Bette Porter?

            How had she gotten to this place?  This place where she was just floating no real direction in life.  Her sole direction since the moment she’d met Bette was just that, Bette and Tina.  A couple that seemed to have taken the world by storm she had wanted Bette the instant she’d seen her.  She’d been torn about those emotions.  She was, after all, a straight girl up until the moment that she’d seen Bette Porter. 

            She sighed sitting up again and thinking about this latest move in her quest to punish Bette moving back into the house so that Bette could see her every day and not have her.  It wasn’t working Bette was hardly home, and not that she’d been there much when they’d been together.  This was going to an extreme she was in New York, again.  Batting down this Crystal woman for a show, she’d gotten that much out of James when he’d called. 

            Tina didn’t like the woman she was becoming cold and calculating, a lot like the Tina that she’d been when she was a teenager.  She’d never felt comfortable in her own skin and she’d been a driven woman, wanting to be great at everything she did.  She’d been a shark in the water, sniffing out blood when she’d been working.  Now she was doing that again is this who she wanted to be.

            “No.”  Tina answered her own question and Shane said from behind her.

            “No what?”  Tina jumped seeing Shane standing there staring at Tina.

            “How long have you been there?”  Tina asked, her hand at her heart as she felt it pounding in her chest.  Shane sat down next to Tina taking her hand and squeezing it.

            “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.  I thought I’d touch base with you, I saw you sitting out here from the back of the house ya know?”  Shane said pulling her hand away from Tina and Tina nodded.

            “I’m good, I think.”  Tina admitted and Shane nodded licking her lips.

            “Do you think I’m cold hearted?”  Shane asked and Tina was stunned and she shook her head, wondering where all of this was coming from.

            “No Shane why are you asking me that?”  Tina blurted out, aghast at the mere thought of Shane being cold hearted.

            “A chick I tried to pick up a bit ago told me I was cold hearted.  You know, I really messed up being with Cher, and letting my heart go to her, ya know man.  I like women, love them, the way they move, the way their bodies are just like solid liquid under your fingertips when they are just about to come.  Now I don’t even know why I’m fucking any more.  I don’t care I’m on auto pilot about it all.”  Shane said in a soft child like voice and Tina put an arm around Shane’s shoulders, pulling her close.

“          Shane baby, you fell in love.  Let me tell you love can hurt sometimes.”  Tina put in, and Shane shrugged and kissed the top of Tina’s head.

            “I’m gonna go, have a good night Tee.”  Shane offered and headed back to her side of the hedges, leaving Tina to wonder what was going to become of all of them. 

*****
Shadow Of Me
8/20/04
JG Marie
In the deep ravine of my angry soul
My angry cries ring out silently
Echoing back at me

Now I am hiding
My life is undone
Dismantled

I no longer fight, have not the strength too
The shadows linger close
Hiding in them, I think I will

I fear the dark, yet I seek it out
Memories of pain and anger
Wash over me

Sleep eludes me
My lies remain, my dreams always the same
My words of deception, my deeds of betrayal

My hours pass by slowly
My life rushes by me
Slow motion rapid fire images

I pity the world that lives in my lies
Nothing left of me, shallow empty shell remains
I am alone in my own ignorance