The World Is Your Bisexual Oyster

By Jo Alexander

This “Bi-Sexual Speed Dating” deal is bunk. Yeah, it’s possible I might walk out of here with something approaching a number, or at least someone will feel sorry enough for me to give me a fake number, but I’m not holding my breath.

The blonde with the girlfriend? What was that about? Does she want to date her sperm donor, or sleep with him, or just hell, I don’t even know what else one could do with a potential donor. Never needed one.

There’s Helena, and she doesn’t look entertained by does that say Roland or Ronald on his name tag? Regardless, she’s being complimentary, but doesn’t look particularly pleased with his over all manner. Oh, he’s leaning in to say something, and she’s leaning back to keep him at bay. ‘Ewww, boy cooties!’ Ha! Helena is such a hottie, the guy’s probably shocked she’s “half” into girls. Buddy, you’re barking up the wrong tree with that one.

Maybe I should be paying attention to this chickie in front of me. Her name’s “Rain”? Of course it is. She’s got this whole pseudo-bohemian look to her. Reminds me of that bank teller I saw earlier today, with the frazzled hair in a loose braid, and the pagan top. Cute, at least, but come on, “Rain”? “Try-Hard” might be more appropriate.

Why am I judging this poor soul? Christ! I’m days away from being fired for mentioning an ex-girlfriend on my show two dozen times an hour. Talk about “Try-Hard”, my name should be like “Agustus the Pathetic”. You know, like how they had names back in the day, with all these titles: “Catharine the Great”, “Alexander the Terrible”, I’d be “Agustus the Pathetic” because “Alice” isn’t really a name of the times.

There’s the dinger!

“Rain, it was nice to meet you. Have a great day.” Could I have been any more fake with this smile? My jaw hurts from all this false politeness. Who’s next?!

This is awesome! Helena is my next “potential match-up”! This is going to be too much fun!

“Helena, is it? Wow what a beautiful name!” I say seemingly genuinely surprised to meet someone named “Helena“.