Shane was on her way home. She was really tired of all the shit that had happened recently. It seemed impossible for her to handle with it on her own. Her family, that she always aspired to find, proved to be her childish illusion. She lost her father twice. She couldn’t come to terms with that goddamn situation, so yes – he doesn’t exist for her anymore.  It was so painful to realize that probably she was just like him, no, she couldn’t just say ‘yes’ at this wedding and perhaps turn Carmen’s life into suffering. Shane escaped in Austin, she didn’t know why, she hoped to find her mother, someone who could just support her, though she didn’t think that she deserved this support. And she found, yes, she found some people who confirmed that her mother was dead. Although Shane almost didn’t remember her it hurt her, she felt like she had lost something really important, essential,  she felt really weak and tired and decided to come back to L.A. and to see her friends. She couldn’t come back just a few days after wedding because she was really afraid, she was afraid that they probably hated her, or anyway blamed her for the things she had done, and that was right but she wasn’t prepared to hear out their reproaches, but now she is ready to face her guilt. Cowardice of her father, the death of her unknown mother wore her out and she thought that if her friends didn’t except her she would just fuck this life off, now there was nothing left for her except drugs. And besides, Carmen would be much better without her.

She opened the front door with her key, she entered and suddenly she heard jenny snoring and couldn’t help but smiling, it was so familiar as if nothing awful had happened before. Everything was fine here with her roommate.

Shane didn’t mean to wake her friend up but while she was trying to go round the sofa as quietly as she could jenny suddenly said "hey" not opening her eyes.

Shane tried to define whether this "hey" was angry, indifferent.. or… friendly?

"hey"Shane said quite uncertainly " have I waken you up?"

"no, I was just dozing" – jenny said and smiled friendly " c’mon, don’t you wanna give me a hug?"

Shane smiled and hugged her friend.

"you look pale" said Jenny"I really missed you, I know you probably had to figure out something really important for you but we worried, you know, I’m so happy you are back"

   shane looked confused

"what?" Jenny asked " what’s wrong?" she caressed her cheek

shane was about to cry when the front door broke open and Alice ran into the house screaming for Jenny, not seeing her and Shane on the sofa.

"Jeeennn! I need to tell you something, where the hell are you?" she shouted " I give you 5 seconds to come up to me no matter what are you doing know! I’m sorry to break you creative process but, shit, am I talking to myself?" she suddenly realized.

"I am here, Alice, you don’t need to shout" Jenny said mildly

"Oh, here you are" repeated Alice not realizing that shane was sitting on the floor near Jenny " you know I’ve just got a call from Helena, and she is at some bar right now, I didn’t understand what the fuck was she doing there but she said that she had seen Shane’s truck through the window and she could swear that it had been exactly Shane’s car and I…. "

"Oh my god" she exclaimed when she suddenly noticed shane’s presence and she quickly hugged her "where have you been, man???" she continued to hug her and shane became even more confused

"Guys,"she says "I thought you probably hated me and"

"Are you mad or what?" Alice said " you could have called us or something! We worried so much, shane, jenny doesn’t sleep at all waiting for ya and I repeat the description of your sexy appearance every day during my radio show for someone to recognize you in the street and call me because when we came to the police they told us that…"

"Alice"Jenny said smiling " Shane’s here now, I guess she has already understood that we had worried, but let her tell her what happened"

"Oh" Alice said "but she said that we hated her but actually …."

"Sorry, guys" shane said in her low voice " I didn’t mean to make you worry, I just.. I was in Austin and I’d lost my mobile there.. and… "

"You were in Austin?" Alice looked shocked " why? Why didn’t you tell us? I could go with you… "

"I wasn’t suppose to go there, It was… just.. I don’t know.. I felt disgusted with myself after what I had done I decided that … I thought that I would find her, my mother, and.. may be she would remember me and I .. I needed a family …I hoped it would clear up something in my life"

"did you find her?" jenny asked worriedly

"she is dead" shane said sadly

Everyone became quite and both Alice and Jenny hugged Shane more tightly

"we are sorry" Alice said

"It’s ok" shane said "I don’t almost remember her. She is just a stranger for me. But anyway, I don’t know I kind of feel pain or something. I thought that probably I could have the mother. But I can’t, that means I’m disgusting, my mother left me, me father also did  and besides he is so full of crap and I took after him"

"Don’t say so!" jenny said "you are not disgusting. We do need you and we don’t care who is your father and …"

"yes, shane," Alice added "we are your family and nothing can change it, you know. We are so close, how could you think that we hated you?! We are there for you no matter what happened or what you’ve done "

"thanks, Al,thanks jenny " shane said very quietly, she almost whispered it ‘ I don’t know what would I do without you. Just thank you for everything you do for me…"

"please, shane. we know each other for ages, you could just come up to me after this goddamned wedding and tell me and we would " Alice said, but jenny looked at her as If she was mentioning some inappropriate subject

"yes" shane gasped "I dated the most beautiful and careful girl, I could have a family but I screwed everything up because I had met my  father asshole , no, because I am a piece of shit. I disappointed her.. and you …I know…."

"shane" jenny said "You hurt her, yes, she was really shocked and heartbroken but.. you know .. we all make mistakes, and sometimes in those very important and responsible moments of our life when feel like we know what we are going to do next we suddenly realize that we just can’t, that our heart tells us another thing, and we just follow our feelings, we do unconsciously what we feel, and it may hurt others but who knows may be it is just better for both of you"

"and we don’t blame you, you should know" Alice added "you can always rely on us and now you’re gonna go with us and have a dinner and tell us how have you been, ok?"

********

 

"and what do you think about his last album? Actually I think It’s so not his style!" Bryce said

Carmen was distracted a bit, it was 2 am and she was sitting at some bar with her new friend, Bryce was trying to talk about music but she quickly found out that Carmen wasn’t listening to her.  She was really beautiful, she had big grey eyes and rumpled black hair, sometimes she reminded Carmen of Shane but she tried to avoid thinking about her. It did her no good.

 "hey, Carmen. What’s up? " Bryce inquired " it is the second time we meet but you still haven’t told anything about you!"

"eh, I thought you were telling something about the music, not about you" she said

"but, hey," Bryce smiled "I told you almost everything yesterday, don’t you remember?"

"Ah, yes you did" Carmen smiled praying that Bryce wouldn’t ask her anything in more details

"so.. what about you? Bryce said "I only know that you are Carmen you are Dj and you are starting new life"

"why?" Carmen asked a bit surprised "why do you think that I am starting…"

" ohhh, please, don’t tell me you don’t remember!" Bryce answered " yesterday we were a bit drunk but anyway, not so…. "

"Oh, ok, sorry" Carmen interrupted. "I remember"

"so.. I want to know more about you. You know you are so stunning I wonder how can you be free? I mean.. without a girlfriend, you probably cheat her or you are a player or…"

"No" Carmen answered " I am just free. I am just…. Well I had kind of relationship but it is over now, you see"

"ok, was it hard one?" Bryce asked with  concern in her voice

"yes kinda… well" Carmen gasped, she suddenly felt need to share her pain with somebody "ok, you know when you are dating a girl who fucked a half of the city you are always suspicious, kinda, you always expect her to cheat you or something, but when you live with her for 3 months and everything goes so damn cool and you are happy and well… certainly there were problems" Carmen suddenly remembered  Cherry "and… anyway.. one day this sexy girl, the love of your life comes up to you and says ‘will you marry me?’ and you just can not believe in your happiness, you say ‘yes’ and here’s the wedding with all these friends and family around and you are the bride wearing that goddamned dress and everyone is watching you and..well.. but where is the other bride, huh? Where is she? She is out. She passes, do you understand what I mean?" Carmen didn’t notice that she was almost shouting.

"shhh" Bryce said and caressed Carmen’s hand "you don’t have to… I just.. I’m sorry Carmen, I truly can not understand how can anybody in this world leave such a gorgeous lady at the altar, she is a bitch, but, it’s high time to forget her. She didn’t love you, she is just a monster, how could she do something like that! Carmen you are amazing" Bryce cupped Carmen’s chin

"thanks" Carmen whispered, wiping a tear from her cheek, she was really about to burst into tears "so  I try to move on, as I said you yesterday and I really want to forget Shane…"

Bryce looked at Carmen

"shane? is it her name?" she asked pensively

"Yes, Shane Fucking McCutcheon" Carmen said through her teeth.

"holy shit, I can’t believe it!" Bryce exclaimed.

"what? Do you know her?"

"well… I…."Bryce mumbled uncertainly" yes I do know her"

"so?" Carmen inquired "will you tell me, please!!"

"well.. she is my … friend" Bryce.

"a Friend?" Carmen sneered "C’mon, Shane have only few friends and I know them all, but the rest is… well you fucked with her or something?

Bryce blushed

"No, man!" she answered " we are friends since Austin’s time. We were in the same foster together. We lived in one room, and then she run away. And I am new in L. A. so I didn’t know she lived here now!"

"oh no, I am trying to forget someone but something still reminds me, even the girl I met at Milk yesterday" Carmen tried to sound indifferent but she was really curious about Shane’s past

*********

"and coffee in Austin’s cafes really sucks" Shane said gulping down her coffee.

"It depends on  people you drink it with" Alice said

"Oh, don’t say that you make Shane’s coffee taster!" Dana smirked

"and what’s up with Tee? Haven’t you called her, Al?" Jenny asked

"she promised to be here in 10 minutes or something" Al said

" I bet you have interrupted her fucking with that perverted jerk" Bette said angrily

Bette didn’t look nice, she had rather big bruises under her eyes her hair was messed up and it was only Shane sudden appearance that made Bette go out of her house, since Tina left her she definitely changed her lifestyle for the worse, keeping her pain inside and nothing could help her.

 "hey, Bette" Shane put her hand on Bette’s shoulder, "nobody can decide for her. She did it. And probably she needs time. But I’m with you"

"we are all with you" Alice said "I guess Tina lost her reason, she probably needs some kind of therapy, madness can be cured, you know?"

Nobody found this joke really funny. Girls just gasped.

"Here I am" Tina said, hugging Shane "I worried, thanks god you are all right"

Indeed, Tina also didn’t look nice, she seemed tired and exhausted. 

Suddenly Dana’s mobile rang,

"Excuse me guys" she stood up

"what?" Alice asked " why can’t you answer it right here?"

Dana said nothing and moved away from Alice and answered the call. It was Lara.

"hey" she said "I just wanted to make sure everything is right with you"

"yes" Dana answered briefly "you know I’m busy now, I’ll call you later,Ok?bye"

"and?" Alice inquired "was it your coach? Or your agent? Or your mom?"

"why are you so fussy about that? Dana answered nervously "just give me some free space, ok?"

 Shane rolled her eyes. Nothing has changed there.

Suddenly Shane spotted quite familiar figure. No, it wasn’t her Carmen, but it was Cherie the last person she wanted to see now, Cherie was the first problem she and Carmen had to deal with. She appeared suddenly and messed things up, no, certainly it was mainly Shane who messed everything up, but with Cherie she was out of control.

Cherie approached a little and waved to Shane to come up.

"Oh, no, this fatal woman again" Alice grumbled "I bet she is over fifty or something"

"yeah, it would be better for Shane to keep the distance with her, if she wants to get Carmen back" Jenny said

"Carmen was really angry, it won’t be that easy!" Dana noticed

"oh, but it doesn’t mean that Shane should jump right in the producer’s wife bed just because it isn’t that easy to get Latina back! Since when did you become the supporter of easy ways?" Alice asked

 "Oh, no, I can’t stand this any longer" Dana gasped and stood up, "I’d better talk to Shane later"

"Where are you going?" Alice also stood up

"Pleaaase, I’m so sick of your remarks! Let me just have AN HOUR without you!" Dana said and went out of the Planet.

"Hey, AL, just, leave her" Bette said

Alice buried her head in her hands "Fuck" she mumbled.


 

*****


 

"Hey" Cherie said rather friendly "sorry, I didn’t mean to come here but I… well I went to WAX about three days ago and you weren’t there and I couldn’t find you so I thought that you were probably here.. and.."

"so what do you want?" Shane said rather impolitely

"I need to talk to you"

"so.. I’m here"

"Not here" Cherie said "Now I see you are busy and.."

" I am not, I’m having a dinner with my friends," Shane said "If you want I can talk to you"

"Ok, listen,  Shane, tomorrow I’ll be here at 9 pm so please come I need to tell you something" Cherie didn’t look the way she used to look, she was sad and kind of pensive.

"I can’t" Shane answered

"Tomorrow is Sunday. Please, come"

"Cherie, listen, I’m not going to…"

"I know. But I need to talk to you as a friend, please, I’ll be waiting" she said and came out.

Shane bowed her head.