Now I’m Nothing PT 4

I always had it in my mind that I would see her again. Really I did. It was the only thing I dreamed about beside how we ended it. It was a lot like that song, “everywhere I look your all I see, just a fading fucking reminder of who I use to be.” I had that problem a lot. I would see women all the time, which for one split second had me convinced they were Carmen. I usually wound up feeling pretty dumb about it. Hair would be all wrong, not the same height. Skin tones all wrong, and eventually not my Carmen. Once I followed a girl for three blocks thinking she was Carmen.

Strolling on the beach and all I can think about is seeing her. All I can think about is touching her, smelling her, the softness of her neck. Man I need a smoke but I left them at the beach house, with the love birds.

Did I want to catch up with everyone, no. they didn’t understand. All I heard at the time was “oh that’s just typical of Shane” or “she’ll find someone else” or my favorite “Carmen is just a bitch anyway.” I should have said fuck off. I should have said I love this girl and I want to make it work. But I didn’t.  If I had any guts I would have told her in person that day about my fears, no guts.

Does chance really blame fate?

I really need to tell her everything I could not say before. After that the ball is in her court.

If I sit out here long enough I’ll see the sunset. And sunsets will just remind me of Carmen, and the first and last sunset we shared.

L.A. 3 1/2  years ago.

 It was after we made love, after I found Jenny all bloodied in the bathroom, after we went to visit baby Angelica. Carmen had it in her mind that we needed to get away from all that drama. And she wanted to teach me to surf. I didn’t even know she knew how to surf. So many things I still don’t about her.