Larry King is in the course of happily interviewing a former president when his producer interrupts him on his earpiece for late breaking news. As they come back from commercials…

LARRY- “This is Larry King on ‘Larry King Live’. We have breaking news from England. Penny, over to you.” (The television screen viewers see is split into two, showing Larry and the CNN crew in England.)

PENNY- “Thanks Larry. This is Penny Principalica reporting live from London’s central hospital. The calamity that befell the stars of the tennis courts at Wimbledon now continues in the halls of this hospital. Over to you Larry.”

LARRY- “Well Penny you wanna tell us about the calamity?”

PENNY- “Sure Larry. It’s really quite fantastic.” (She stares at the camera…)

LARRY- “Penny I’ve got President Clinton sitting here waiting patiently so I can continue the interview. You WANNA TELL US about the calamity?” (Penny’s producer walks over to her and whispers in her ear…)

PRODUCER- “Tell the story Penny…”

PENNY- “I can’t…”

PRODUCER- “Why????”

PENNY- “It’s Larry King…”

PRODUCER- “So?!!!”

PENNY- “I thought he was dead…he’s still alive?”

PRODUCER- “He’s only 98….young wife…”

PENNY- “Oh my God…he’s my idol…”

PRODUCER- “Ok, Principalica…snap out of it…this could really make you a star!”

PENNY- (She turns to the producer…) “Really?”

LARRY- “Really???? Really what? Really calamitous? Really shocking?” (He turns towards off set and yells out to his producer…) “We got sound trouble or what? You know this kid’s getting on my nerves…” (He looks over to his guest…) “I’m so sorry about this, I’m sure it won’t take much longer.”

PRESIDENT CLINTON- “Oh it’s alright Larry, it all sounds interesting…can’t wait to find out what the news is.”

PENNY- “This is…this is Penny Pricipalica, reporting live from London…”

LARRY- “You already SAID that…” (Whispering off camera…) “Twit!”

PENNY- “Right Larry…the Sisters of Charity, Hope and Lost Causes, also known as the CHLC, is reeking havoc in this city today.”

LARRY- “Did you just say the Sisters of Charity, Hope and Lost Causes?”

PENNY- “Yes Larry!”

LARRY- “NUNS?!”

PENNY- “That’s right Larry…women of the cloth.”

LARRY- “So…what? Are they a terrorist cell? What???!!!!”

PENNY- “No Larry…the CHLC group has descended on this hospital where we also have the Vatican’s representative, the highly ranked tennis player Angelica Porter, and a group of radical feminists….”

PRESIDENT CLINTON- “Oh my Larry, that sounds like quite a mix!”

LARRY- “They being held hostage????”

PENNY- “What? Sorry? Larry?”

LARRY- “I said are they being held hostage???”

PENNY- “No Larry, no…we previously reported that a special envoy of the Vatican, a sister of the Order of Sapphist Nuns, was seriously wounded by a Porter serve, one of the fastest on record in women’s tennis at Wimbledon. Moreover, Larry, the Mother Superior of this order of Sapphic nuns was alleged to be a former lover of Angelica’s mother Bette Porter. We didn’t have confirmation at the time, but it appeared that Angelica Porter was alleged to be the love child of Bette Porter and Mother Superior Barnaby, formerly known as ‘Tina’. We now have more information coming in. Sources here at the hospital, who don’t wish to be named, now tell us that Angelica Porter, Mother Superior’s love child, was having an affair with the special envoy, whom we now know is named ‘Tina’. Apparently Larry, Bette Porter and her daughter were at one time victims of the envoy’s charms.”

PRESIDENT CLINTON- “Wow Larry, this more interesting than the backroom stuff up on the Hill!”

LARRY- (Turns to yell of stage…) “THIS is why you interrupted my show? THIS is why you interrupted my interview with Clinton? No wonder Amanpour disappeared! This is the twit that did it to her isn’t it! You trying to drive me crazy or what!” (He yells to his producer off stage…) I don’t care who’s listening, get her off the damn air! NOW!”

PENNY- “Larry???? Larry this is big news here in London…there’s word that the Pope himself is flying in from Rome…Larry….Larry…please Larry, this is BIG!”

LARRY- “Penny you TWIT…this is not BIG…this is CRAPOLA! What’s big is that I’ve got former President Hillary Clinton sitting here waiting to be interviewed on live television and YOU interrupt with late breaking news from the funnyfarm!!!!”

PRESIDENT CLINTON- “Now now Larry it’s alright, things can get hairy out there, I’m sure she’s doing her best.” (She’s close to 80 years old and kinda suffering from early dimentia at this point…)

PENNY- “Thank you ma’am…”

LARRY- (To Penny…) “DO NOT TALK TO MY GUEST you TWIT!!!”

PRESIDENT CLINTON- “Larry Larry it’s alright! Penny dear, you know I used to tell Bill, God rest his soul, if you’ve got nothing intelligent to say, well shut up…”

LARRY- “Thank you!”

PRESIDENT CLINTON- “Oh you’re welcome Larry. You know, when I was in the White House, we had a scandal that erupted with the radical feminists and the ensuing impeachment…”

LARRY- “Madame President those weren’t radical feminists…I think you’re remembering it wrong…you were rumoured to be having an affair with …”

PRESIDENT CLINTON- “Now Larry you know those rumours were totally unsubstantiated. Besides, Sheila was my Chief of Staff…a fine woman, you know what I’m saying Larry?”

LARRY- “Keeps ya young don’t it Madame President?”

PRESIDENT CLINTON- “Well yes sir it does. My new husband Earl is benefiting greatly from that period in my life, if I do say so myself. Now the radical feminists…”

PENNY- (Interrupting…) “Hello! Excuse me…LARRY???”

LARRY- “GET THAT TWIT OFF THE AIR!!!”

PENNY- “BUT LARRY WAIT, MY STORY…”

LARRY- “PENNY!!!!”

PENNY- “Larry?”

LARRY- (Pretending to be calm…) “Do me a favour?”

PENNY- “Of course Larry…”

LARRY- “Call me when the Pope gets there!” (Turning to the camera…) “This is Larry King Live, we’ll be back with former President Hillary Clinton after these messages.” (The commercials come on and Larry smacks his forehead and shakes his head repeating ‘twit, twit,’ then he yells off stage…) “Somebody get my agent!”

(Back in London, the nuns revived Sister Bertha, who was now sitting in a chair, and Bette’s crew and the fanfic authors had successfully revived Angelica. Nurse Frachett had sedated Sister Tina, ’cause she was just getting outa hand, so Tina was out like a light.)

BETTE- (To Shane…) “I don’t believe this is happening.”

ALICE- “Don’t worry Porter, we’ll figure this all out.”

SISTER BURNABY- (Hovering over the nuns…) “Sister Bertha…it’s going to be ok.”

SISTER ILLUMINATA- (Holding the fallen sister’s hand…) “Sister Bertha…It’s alright…Sister Tina is just confused. Her past life, and you know we all had one, is reuniting with her present. God will make everything clear…”

AMANDAMG- (To B&TF off to the side…) “I don’t think even God wants to touch this one with a ten foot pole…”

B&TF- “This is more complicated than OUR plots…”

MAD MAGOTT- “Speak for yourself…you remember TMerlin…”

SEAHURST- “Yeah, except look what happened to her…”

CHASEMENOW- “Shhh…let’s not get into that now…”

SISTER FEKLA- (Who was overhearing…buts her head into the discussion…) “Why? What happened?”

ALLYEMMERSON- (To Seahurst…) “Nosy little women aren’t they?”

SEAHURST- “Shhhhhh….”

SISTER FEKLA- “What? What happened to TMerlin?”

CHASEMENOW- “Nevermind…”

MAD MAGOTT- “She was banned…”

SISTER FEKLA- (Gasping…) “Baaaaaned?”

B&TF- “She just kinda lost it and…well…”

SEAHURST- “They sent her away…but I hear she’s happy now…talks to the flowers and walks the grounds…”

AMANDAMG- “…at the institution…”

SISTER FEKLA- “Uhhh ohhhhhh….”

ANGELICA- (To Bette…) “Mommie…I don’t understand…”

BETTE- “It’s the injury…your tennis ball jarred her brain…she’s remembering her old life. I guess after she disappeared those years ago she went through some psychological trauma and ended up in a totally new life. Her brain just probably put all the history of what had happened before way back into her consciousness.”

NURSE FRACHETT- “Well lass, that sounds about right! Dr. Willy was sayin somthin similar earlier before you got here. He’s in surgery wee Dr. Willy, but I’ll get him over to ya when he’s done and he’ll explain everything.”

BETTE- “Thanks.” (Frachett leaves.) “It’s ok Angelica. Tina saw you and since she only had memories of me from 20 years ago, and since you bear a striking resemblance, oddly enough, she must have just thought you were me.”

ALICE- “That’s so friggin weird.”

KIT- “Honey my head is spinning. I’m surprised I didn’t faint myself.”

SHANE- “Well maybe Dr….what did she call him? ‘Wee’ Dr. Willy?”

ALICE- “Guess he’s short.”

KIT- “Or notoriously cursed with other shortcomings…” (They chuckle…)

BETTE- “Do you think we could focus on the matter at hand guys?”

ALICE- “Sorry…”

KIT- “Sorry…”

BURNABY- (She comes up to Bette…) “Ms. Porter…”

BETTE- “Yes…”

BURNABY- “I think we need to give Sister Tina some space.”

ALICE- “Sounded to me like she wanted all you ladies of the cloth outa here…”

SHANE- “Al!”

ALICE- “I’m just sayin…”

BURNABY- “Well, ladies, I think she may just be confused.”

BETTE- “Sister…I don’t think she’s confused…apart from thinking her daughter is me…it seems she is psychologically recalling her former life. If that’s permanent then you have to let her continue…”

BURNABY- “Well she was brought to us for a reason…there’s a reason she didn’t stay in her former life and I don’t see why she should be catapulted back to it…”

MAD MAGOT- (To B&TF & Co….) “And just think, all this because of a tennis ball…” (The authors nod…)

SISTER ILLUMINATA- “I don’t know Mother Burnaby, maybe He” (pointing to the ceiling…) “has brought this about so that Sister Tina can find her proper road in life…”

SISTER AGATHA- “Amen Sister…”

SISTER FECKLA- “Amen Sister…”

SISTER LOWITIOUS- “Amen Sister…”

SISTER ESMERELDA- “Amen Sister…”

SISTER MARADOONA- “Amen Sister…”

SISTER BURNABY- (Looking a bit shocked…) “Wait, is this what you all think? You really feel this way about our fellow sister?”

SISTER BERTHA- (Tugging at Burnaby’s habit from behind her…) “Mother Burnaby…does this mean that Sister Tina’s years with us at the convent were just an aberration?”

KIT- (Turning to Bette…) “Sound familiar baby Sis? I guess one good turn deserves another…”

ALICE- “It does seem to have given her a few revelations doesn’t it?”

SHANE- “I dunno guys, maybe this episode is an aberration and the best thing for her is the new life she found at the convent…” (All the nuns sigh as they turn to look at Shane…) “What???”

BURNABY- (To Bette…) “I see you have a wise one among you.”

ALICE- (To Shane…) “Hey Yoda, what do you say we keep Tina and you go to the convent among your new flock here
and show ‘em a thing or two…maybe they will have a few ‘revelations’ of their own…” (Shane gives Alice a nasty look…)

ANGELICA- “But now that I’ve found her how can you take her away?”

BURNABY- “Oh dear, regardless what our Sister Tina decides, if she really is your mother, I’m sure that somehow there will always be a place for you in her life…”

SISTER LOWITIOUS- “Yes dear, perhaps you can come to the convent too…”

SISTER MARADOONA- “Yes young lady, and perhaps you can join us…”

SISTER BERTHA- “Oh yes, we could be such good friends…”

ALICE- “Lord love a duck…” (She pulls Angelica…) “Easy does it there sisters, the kid stays with us, you know what I’m sayin?”

SISTER AGATHA- “Now now, the sisters are just showing their open heart and friendship for the young woman…”

SISTER FECKLA- “Angelica we have a fine sports program, almost as good as our choir…”

ANGELICA- (All excited…) “Really Sister?”

BETTE- “Angelica, why don’t you go outside for a bit with Alice, Kit, Shane and the others?”

ANGELICA- “But Mommy…I wanna…”

BETTE- “Alice…”

ALICE- “Come on kid,” (she pulls Angelica…) “let’s take a break…”

ALICE- (To Sister Burnaby…) “I’m her earth mother…”

BURNABY- “Alright sisters, let’s step out for a bit.”

SEAHURST- “Come on ladies, let’s go join ‘em.”
(Everyone files out of the room. Bette stays behind. In the waiting room…)

PENNY PRINCIPALICA- (Running with her crew to Angelica…and pointing her microphone…) “Ms. Porter, Ms. Porter…do you have any comments?”

ALICE- (To Penny, putting her hand up protectively…) “Hey, watch it lady…”

PENNY- (To Mother Burnaby…) “Mother Superior any comments about the Pope’s envoy?”

BURNABY- “The Holy Father’s envoy? Where?”

SISTER BERTHA- “Hey! Aren’t you Penny Principalica!?”

SISTER AGATHA- (To Sister Illuminata…) “Oh no, here we go…”

SISTER ILLUMINATA- “SISTER Bertha!!! I think Sister Lowitious needs you over there…”

SISTER LOWITIOUS- “Damn…”

SISTER ESMERELDA- “Shhh…” (She smacks Sister Lowitious on the arm.)

PENNY- (To Sister Burnaby again…) “Is the envoy seriously injured?”

BURNABY- “What?????” (She sees the camera and stops to smile…) “Child, what are you talking about?”

PENNY- “The envoy from Rome Sister…”

SISTER ILLUMINATA- “Father Pernitious is here?”

PENNY- “Who?”

NURSE FRACHET- (She moves in…) “Alright then everyone settle down, this is a hospital. Let’s settle down…”

PENNY- “Sister…”

NURSE FRACHET- (To Penny…) “I think you need to leave…”

PENNY- “I’m from CNN…”

NURSE FRACHET- “And I’m from Northern Ireland…get yourself out of this area, it’s restricted!”

MAD MAGOT- (To B&TF) “I thought she was Scotish…”

B&TF- “You got me, I thought she was Welsh…”

SEAHURST- “Welsh? How do you figure that?”

CHASEMENOW- “Who cares?”

ALLYEMERSON- “She’s a Brit in any case…”

B&TF- “She said Northern Ireland…”

ALLYEMERSON- “Whatever…”

SEAHURST- “Ok, can we end this conversation?”

CHASEMENOW- “I just don’t understand -who cares about the nurse?”

SEAHURST- “Shhhhh…”

PENNY- (Penny frowns…) “But I have a job to do…freedom of the press…”

NURSE FRACHET- “Look lass, I have no patience for this silliness…wee Dr. Willy runs a tight ship…let’s move now…c’mon…”

KIT- (To Alice…) “I bet he wields a large wand of authority…”

ALICE- (To Kit…) “Wild wee Dr. Willy…” (They chuckle…)

PENNY- (To Nurse Frachet and indignant…) “You have no right to restrict the press!”

NURSE FRACHET- “Lookie here lass, if you don’t take that microphone out of me face, I’ll make you the next news bulletin, and it’ll be a wee bit painful…you’ll be the next marvel in modern medicine after I’m done with ya! Y’understand?” (A loud voice is heard from beyond the crowd…a baritone…)

VOICE- “Oy there people! Let’s break up this fracas…”

SISTER FECKLA- (To Sister Agatha…) “Where’s that coming from?” (Agatha shrugs. Everyone looks around from where they’re standing to see where the voice originates.)

NURSE FRACHET- (She gestures for the crowd to move…) “Alright, let’s move so he can get in here…”

ALICE- (To Frachet…) “Who?”

NURSE FRACHET- “The man.”

SISTER BURNABY- “What man?” (At that point, Shane and Alice feel pushing and they come apart, as do the nuns
and the authors, breaking the group into two little groups, one on Alice’s side and the other on Shane’s side.)

WEE DR. WILLY- “What say you Nurse Frachet?! What’s going on here?” (A very short doctor walks up to Frachet in the middle of the two groups…)

Sister Agatha- (Gasp!)

Sister Maradoona- (Gasp!)

Sister Evangeline- (Gasp!)

Sister Margaret Lowitious- (Gasp!)

Sister Feckla- (Gasp!)

Sister Esmerelda- (Gasp!)

NURSE FRACHET- “Dr. Willy Sir…” (The authors all look at one another and start to chuckle…Seahurst can be heard shushing them…)

BURNABY- (Sister Burnaby looks down at this little figure of authority from her 5’9 heights…looks way down…) “Dr. Willy?”

WEE DR. WILLY- “And you might you be?”

BURNABY- “I am the Mother Superior of the Sisters of Charity, Hope and Lost Causes.”

WEE DR. WILLY- “You don’t say.”

BURNABY- “I do and I would like to know how our Sister Tina is doing.”

WEE DR. WILLY- (He pans the circumference of the group standing around him and faces Burnaby again…) “Well then…follow me…” (He turns and as he proceeds the group quietly parts to give him room to walk. He heads out towards another area and they all follow.)

(Back in Sister Tina’s room…Bette had been standing next to Tina and just staring at her. She gets closer and periodically touches Tina’s hair. Unbeknownst to Bette, Sister Bertha had broken from the group and wandered back to where Sister Tina lay. She stood a distance from Bette and just watched. Bette touches Tina’s face gently. She is rediscovering the blonde. Slowly, she comes in closer and lowers her face to Tina’s.)

BETTE- (She whispers…) “I missed you…I really missed you…” (She leans in and gently affixes a kiss on Tina’s lips… Sister Bertha raises her arms, her eyes pop out, and she emits a scream of magnanimous proportions, causing Bette to raise her head a bit and Tina to awaken suddenly and lift her head swiftly…right into Bette’s forehead…) “OOOOuch…” (Nurse Frachet runs in…)

FRACHET- “What’s goin on?!” (Bertha raises her hand, her mouth hanging open, and just points to Bette and Tina.
Bette is looking at Bertha, while Tina, now raise up a bit, is looking at Bette…) “Well then…no need to scream, our sleeping beauty has awaken yet again I see!”

(Outside, Penny is trying to find a CNN anchor who will listen to her.)

ANDERSON COOPER- “Well folks it appears we have some breaking news. I understand our Penny Principalica is in London. Go ahead Penny…”

PENNY- “Thanks Anderson. I’m here at London’s central hospital. The famous physician Wee Dr. Willy is on the case today of the injured Papal emissary Sister Tina.”

ANDERSON COOPER- “Wait…Wee Dr. Willy? The Papal emissary…Sister Tina?”

PENNY- “Yes Anderson, the promiscuous Papal emissary…both Angelica Porter, the famous tennis player, and her mother Bette Porter at one time or another fell under the emissary’s spell…”

ANDERSON COOPER- (His eyebrows come dangerously close together…) “Penny…”

PENNY- “Yes Anderson…”

ANDERSON COOPER- “I think this exciting bit of news is best left for Larry King…over to you Larry…”

(Back at the hospital, Wee Dr. Willy is running with everyone following behind him as news broke of Sister Tina’s most resent awakening. They come upon Sister Bertha sitting in a chair being comforted by Nurse Frachet and Bette holding Tina’s hand and stroking her forehead. Sister Bertha is a bit excited…)

BERTHA- (To Frachet…) “But she’s a woman…”

FRACHET- “I know lass, that’s how it works ya know…”

BERTHA- “But I don’t understand…Sister Lowitious says…”

FRACHET- “Oh now lass, you forget what all them nuns tell ya…”

BURNABY- (To Frachet…) “Excuse me!!!” (Then she turns to Tina and approaches her. She goes up close and takes her hand.) “Sister Tina? Are you alright?” (Wee Dr. Willy scoots over to the bedside and tries to get to his patient. Sister Burnaby turns to her right, where Wee Willy was standing, but doesn’t see anything…then she looks down…) “Oh, Dr. Willy…”

WEE DR. WILLY- “Out of my way people.” (He pulls out his stethoscope and jumps onto the side of the bed, where he sits, sort of scaring Tina…) “Hello there, I’m Dr. Willy and I’m going to examine you.” (Tina nods. He examines while everyone looks on.) “Hmm…sounds good. So, tell me Sister Tina, how are you feeling?”

TINA- (Not remembering her awakening…) “Well, fine I think.

SISTER BERTHA- (All excited…) “They were kissing!”

SISTER BURNABY- “Who?”

SISTER BERTHA- “Sister Tina and Bette…”

SISTER AGATHA- (Gasp!)

SHANE- “No friggin way…”

SISTER MARADOONA- (Gasp!)

ALICE- “You’re kidding!!!”

SISTER EVANGELINE- (Gasp!)

KIT- “Holy mackeral…”

SISTER LOWITIOUS- (Gasp!)

ANGELICA- “Mamma…”

SISTER FECKLA- (Gasp!)

NURSE FRACHET- (To Sister Bertha…) “Easy there lass …”

SISTER ESMERELDA- (Gasp!) (Silence befalls the room for a moment, with murmuring and chuckling and gasping
among the fanfic authors in the background.)

WEE DR. WILLY- (Turning to Sister Burnaby…) “Are they done?”

SISTER BURNABY- “With what?”

WEE DR. WILLY- “The gasping…”

SISTER ILLUMINATA- Gasp!

SISTER BURNABY- (To Dr. Willy…) “They’re done.”

BETTE- “I think we need some privacy doctor.”

WEE DR. WILLY- “Alright, everybody out!” (He hops off the bed and flails his arms ushering them out.)

SISTER BURNABY- “I wish to stay!” (Bette nods to Dr. Willy.)

ANGELICA- “Mamma…”

BETTE- “Ok honey, come here.” (And with that, Dr. Willy takes everyone out.)
(Angelica walks over and stands next to Sister Burnaby. She takes Sister Tina’s hand.)
ANGELICA- “Mamma…”

TINA- “Hi…” (Tina has confused the passage of time, the past, and present, and seems to understand certain things, but not others.)

ANGELICA- “Mamma…you’re beautiful…”

BURNABY- (A tear streams down her face…) “Oh child…” (She strokes Tina’s head…) “He works in mysterious ways…”

TINA- (Turning to Bette…) “Who’s the nun?”

BURNABY- “Sister Tina honey…it’s me Mother Superior Burnaby…” (She smiles…)

TINA- (Looking at her carefully…) “Wait…yes…yes…I remember…you were there…I ran and ran and ran…like Forrest Gump I ran…ran away from everything and everyone and ended up at this big building and you…you were inside…you…hey, didn’t we have an affair…”

SISTER BURNABY- (In shock…) “Ahhh…uhhh….no dear…I…uuuummm…”

BETTE- “Tina this is the Mother Superior of the convent that took you in.”

TINA- “Oh…sorry Sister, I must be confusing you with someone else…”

SISTER BURNABY- “Yes…well…tennis ball on the head and all…must have been the concussion…” (Bette raises her eyebrow and looks at Burnaby…) “I…well, besides, I prefer brunettes…” (Bette does a double take…) “Yes, well…long story…I had a former life too you see…”

BETTE- “Right…”

ANGELICA- “Mamma…”

TINA- (Turns to Bette…) “Is she in shock still? She doesn’t say very much does she?”

BETTE- “She’s beautiful though isn’t she?”

TINA- “Yes, she certainly is…”

ANGELICA- “Oh mamma…” (She smiles and strokes Tina’s hand.)

TINA- (Whispering to Bette…) “Maybe she you should get her checked out. You know…CAT scan…head…”

SISTER BURNABY- “Sister Tina I’m so glad you’re feeling better. I’m going to step outside now. I think your fellow sisters would like to come in and say hello to you individually. They’ve been really worried.”

TINA- “Sure Sister, maybe later, and please call me Tina.” (Burnaby smirks, smiles and then leaves.) “Angelica? My little Angelica?”

ANGELICA- “Yes mamma…”

TINA- “You look so…you remind me of Bette…”

ANGELICA- “Yeah mamma, everybody says I look like her. But I think I look like you too.”

TINA- “You’re beautiful, just like Bette was when I first met her.”

ANGELICA- “Well she still is beautiful mamma.”

TINA- “Who?”

ANGELICA- “My mamma…”

TINA- “Oh thank you angel, but I must look like hell now…”

ANGELICA- “No mamma, my other mamma…”

TINA- “Your other mamma honey?”

ANGELA- “Yeah, she’s still beautiful, don’t you think?”

TINA- “I don’t know honey. I wish she and I were still…” (She looks away sadly and Angelica looks confused…)

BETTE- “Angelica honey, would you mind waiting outside for a bit?”

ANGELICA- “Sure…” (She kisses Tina and then exits.)

TINA- (Turning to Bette…) “She’s really hot…”

BETTE- “Who?”

TINA- “Angelica…”

BETTE- “Uh…yeah…um…Tina, you sure you’re feeling ok?”

TINA- “Yeah, oh yeah…I think so. So she’s really hot like her mamma…”

BETTE- “Who?”

TINA- “Why do you keep asking me that? Angelica…”

BETTE- “Tina…Angelica is your daughter…”

TINA- “I know that, silly.”

BETTE- “You sure?”

TINA- “Yeah, oh yeah. Wow, they grow so quickly don’t’ they?”

BETTE- (She chuckles uncomfortably. Her eyebrows together…) “Tina…”

TINA- “Can I go home?”

BETTE- “Uhhhh…”

TINA- “C’mon…please…”

BETTE- “Tina do you know who I am?”

TINA- “Sure I do. Now let’s go…I know you must still be upset with me, but I need your help…” (She holds up her arms…)

BETTE- “Tina, I don’t think you can get up…”

TINA- “Please, I don’t want to stay here anymore. All these nuns and strange people and the dwarf doctor…it’s all so confusing Kit.”

BETTE- “Oh no…”

TINA- “What? Kit, what’s happened? You look so old since the last time I saw you the other day, after the judge ruled in Bette’s favour. But don’t get me wrong, you look really sexy…really hot actually for an older woman…”

BETTE- “Tina…”

TINA- “You know, you make my body feel like it knows you…knows you really well…”

BETTE- “OKAY…just wait here, I’ll be right back…” (She turns and quickly runs out yelling…) “KIT!!!!!”

KIT- “What? What’s wrong?”

BETTE- “Kit…” (She’s upset…) “Kit she thinks I’m you…”

KIT- “What?”

BETTE- “She thinks I’m you…and by the way, she thinks I’m old but sexy for an older woman…”

KIT- “Excuse me?! OLD but sexy…for an old woman? Who does she think she is, Ms. Sister Virginal all of a sudden?”

BETTE- “Kit please…help…”

KIT- (She starts ranting…) “I tell ya, I’m gonna wake up that crazy woman from her ridiculous trance…telling us we’re old…messing up our lives years ago and now HERE she is again! I mean really…” (She walks into Tina’s room with Bette, Alice and Shane following…) “OKAY Kennard, I’m getting sick and tired of all of this. Let me explain some things to you before you drive us all bananas.”

TINA- “Who are you?”

KIT- “WHO am I? Honey, I’m ancient and drop dead gorgeous sexy, the sister of the old but sexy Bette Porter over here!”

TINA- “What?” (Bette is standing on the other side of the bed and holds Tina’s hand.)

ALICE- “Tina, it’s me, Alice…” (Putting her hand on Bette…) “And this is Bette..”

SHANE- “Hi Tina…it’s me, Shane, and this beautiful lady over here is Bette…Angelica’s other mother.”

TINA- (Looking at them all and then looking at Bette…) “Bette?” (Bette nods…) “Bette?” (Bette nods…) “Bette Porter?” (Bette nods…) “My Bette?” (Bette nods enthusiastically…) “My my my BETTE? BETTE?” (Bette nods frantically…)

KIT- “Oh for crying out loud…TINA, YES it’s BETTE!”

TINA- “Oh Bette! Bette, Bette, Bette…” (Bette moves in and bends down toward Tina…) “Bette…Bette…it’s you?”

BETTE- “Yes T…”

TINA- (She’s shaking her head slowly…) “But you look so old…I’m mean still sexy and all, but what happened?” (Bette frowns…)

KIT- (To Shane…) “I’m gonna hit her with another tennis ball…”

ALICE- “Tina hon, you haven’t been with us for like 20 years…have you looked in a mirror yet?”

TINA- “What?”

BETTE- “It’s a long story, but we think you lost your memory after the custody case, after you disappeared from our lives, and ended up in a convent where the nuns you saw took care of you. You recently suffered an injury…I’ll explain that later…and seem to have regained your memory from that last fateful day when we last saw you, except not the last 20 years that occurred after that.”

SHANE- “Yeah, that’s why Angelica is all grown up…”

ALICE- “Yeah, and why you don’t recognize us and why we all look so OLD.”

KIT- “Understand now Ms. Tina?” (Tina looks shocked and stares at all of them…)

ALICE- “Maybe you just need some familiar sights, sounds and feelings…and a lot of therapy…”

BETTE- “It’s ok Tina…I’ll help you work through it.”

ALICE- “Is that right Dr. Porter? And how are you going to do THAT?”

BETTE- “She needs me now Alice.”

KIT- (To Shane…) “She needs the Wizard of Oz…”

TINA- “Bette…I’m sorry…I’m sorry about everything.” (Bette comes back closer to Tina.) “I’m really sorry…please help me…”

BETTE- (She brings her face closer to Tina’s…) “Tina, I don’t know, I still care about you and I want Angelica to be happy but let’s take things slowly…” (Tina, a little impatient for recovery, grasps Bette’s lips like they’re water in the desert and hangs on for dear life. The old Bette just can’t let go. Alice and Shane look on a little shocked.)

KIT- “Well then…let’s let the old sexy lady do her thing and bring Sister ‘Dorothy’ here back to WeHo …” (She pulls Alice and Shane out with her.)

The lip-locked estranged and former lovers continue their lip linking. Kit and the girls join Angelica outside, and the nuns and authors. Kit tells Sister Bertha she caused a miracle, causing Bertha to prostrate herself and start praying. Alice explains the status of affairs to Sister Burnaby, who sheds a tear, though no one knows if it’s for the miracle of Tina’s transformation or for the realization that she can never have Bette. Sister Illuminata explains to Sister Lowitious why she’s got it all wrong, while Wee Dr. Willy and Nurse Frachet explain things to Angelica. Some of the other nuns surround Shane, who seems to have mysteriously captured their attention more effectively than any of Sister Burnaby’s lectures, and Sister Feckla stands surrounded by the fanfic authors, as they explain to her why authors are banned and the comi-tragedy of TMerlin’s career in the fanfic world.

THE END