The line begins to blur PT 9

CH 17

11 months  later

There is a game I play

tried to make myself ok

tried so hard to make the pieces all fit

smash it apart just for the fuck of it.

The first twenty four hours away from her I spent looking for her.

I  don’t know why I let her leave. I don’t know why I didn’t try to talk to her or reason with her. I guess maybe it was the way she looked at me like she was doing me a favor. The truth was I did not know this woman. I didn’t know anything about her. Her favorite color? I never asked. The only thing I knew about her was how I was really fucked up in love with her.

I went to her Mom’s house but she was not there. I knocked and knocked and no answer. I picked the lock and looked around, nothing it was like no one lived here. No pictures on the walls no food in the cabinets no beds in the bedroom. Did she move? I called Mark and asked him where she went. He said  he didn’t know. He was lying he knew where she was. He told me to focus on other things. He said maybe I should move on. He hung up on me. I called him back and I asked was she with him, he just hung up on me.

I went home and got really fucking drunk, stumble on the floor drunk. I was really fucked up by this. I put that song Pop use to play when he thought about Mom.

”Just what the truth is…..I can’t say anymore….cause I’ll love you , yes I’ll love you oh how I’ll love you.”

Pop loved The Moody Blues. He would get piss drunk and cry about Mom. He would lock his room door and then this song would be on repeat and I always knew what it meant. I always wanted to ask him if he was sorry about what he did to her. But I never did, would Carmen feel bad about what she did to me?…..of course it wasn’t as extreme as Pop but it fucking hurt.