The Only Mistake PT 3

CH 5

If it looks broken, that’s just the picture.

That’s how you know…

I stare at the ceiling; I tried really hard not to cry. I tried really hard not to see Carmen in my mind. Then light would flash and I’d see her smile at me all foggy in my head. I gulped down the water on the nightstand, but it wouldn’t choke down the feeling and before I knew it I was crying. And I hate crying it makes me feel like a kid. It’s that choking kind of crying, and there is no end to it. I catch my breath long enough to rev up for more pathetic tears. I needed a drink.

Dana won’t let me have any, not while I am on my meds.

What meds? I didn’t feel anything except this sucking chest wound Carmen left me with. When this bullet hole heals it will be complete I think to myself. There will be nothing left. No glimpses, no reminders, no taste of her feel of her, no walks on the beach, no this is not fair. I did the right thing, I tried to save her, and she just goes back to her normal life. Unaffected, untouched this is fucking bullshit. It’s when I feel angry that I stop crying like a baby. It’s the anger and the pills, it’s the fatigue of what happened these last few days, and it’s me falling asleep and dreaming.

In this dream Carmen and I are in a room. The room is bathed in light, light so clear and crisp it makes everything feels like a snow capped mountain. It’s warm though not hot or humid but warm. We are in one of those canopy beds. We are bone tired and she is just lounging like cat on top of me, the feel of her body it’s driving me wild but, I let her sleep. That Jack Johnson song “Sexy Plexi” was playing softly in the back round. I kiss her forehead as she sleeps. She smiles a little in her sleep. I whisper that I love her in her ear. It’s the kind of dream that seems to last forever. It doesn’t and I wake up wet faced and angry. There are no more happy endings I think. I light a smoke and walk out to the balcony. It’s night time. The water looks nice and cool and I could care less.