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A Life I Never Meant Chapter Nineteen
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Dear Tina,
As I write this you have probably already landed in New York and on your way home. It feels like there is so much that I should have told you while you were here and yet I never found the right time or the right words to explain everything that has been happening.
First of all I should thank you for finding Carmen. I don’t know how you did it but she came to see me, and we talked. About so many things that we should have talked about years ago. I never wanted to love her, it felt too difficult to give something of myself that no-one ever wanted before. When I first told her that I loved her it was like opening myself up to a whole world of opportunity that I never knew existed. To be fearless in love Tina, it’s a gift that you only get to have maybe once in a life time. When she was with me I felt like I could do anything, take on world and win.
No-one really changes that much though. There’s always something in the back of our minds saying that too much change is a bad thing. To have our lives turned around so completely is one of the most unnerving experiences that a person can have. Only the really brave embrace that, and when push came to shove I wasn’t that person. I retreated when I should have been moving forward, sinking when I should have been swimming. Ultimately I let a good thing go.
Funny how instead of letting the wounds heal, we continually pick at the scab of our loss, like somehow that makes us feel more alive. Given half a chance I’d change almost everything about that time, leaving her in the way that I did. She said that I humiliated her. That cut me deeper than anything. How could I have been a person that would be that to someone else? That fact that I loved her makes it worse.
Do you think that there are some things that aren’t ever supposed to be forgiven? When I think about my father now, I just think about the man who abandoned me once, which I could just about find it in my heart to forgive. But the second time, there’s something cruel about that. I guess that the people we will always hurt the most will be the people closest to us, there’s just a bigger chance of that happening, given that we have to make ourselves vulnerable to let people get that close. I don’t think that I want to be that exposed again.
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Girl, this voice from the grave stuff is kind of creepy. But will Tina pay attention?
Shane is really Yoda. I am one of those diehard TiBetters and believe that w/love and forgiveness, all is possible. Bette and Tina will always be soulmates; two bodies sharing one mind, one heart, one soul.
Wow. That was some piece of advice from the other side, so to speak – that is really gonna shake Tina, she’ll read Shanes words and know how short life really is.
my god! what a powerful chapter…
Oh man…*sniffs*
Aha so Ally is all yours huh? A character that makes it even more difficult hmmmm? Its all good. Like I have written in the past I have no idea what to expect with this story, unpredictable to say the least, and Shane’s death has made it even more frought with uncertainty. But I like, I like this very much keeps me on my toes so to speak. Thanks
Jeepers creepers and spookie, what will Tina do will she take on board Shanes words of wisdom from the other side, will her life be with Bette or Ally? Citygirl only you know and you aint giving much away.. Looking forward to what you have in store for us. Thank you.
OMG, how many times more are you gonna make me cry with your rally intense chapters?? That was so awesome, I loved it! And I love Shane… anyways, please continue soon!!
That was Yoda at her very best, getting right to the heart of the matter. Since she is no longer with us, tina can not argue the merits of the letter, she can only know that Shane is correct and she must talk with Bette and get over it or get back to her. The latter think is the correct position to take. thanks for a powerful letter.
At this point I have absolutely no idea what will happen with Bette and Tina. You have weaved such a masterful tale, the possiblities are endless. As a diehard Tibetter, I’m pining all my hopes on the outcome of your previous writing, and keeping my fingers crosssed. However, your writing has persuaded me to really like Ally. Maybe she can hook up with Alice? :). Thanks City
Seems as if Shane got the last word. :) This reminds me of Johnny’s letter to Pony Boy sort of, except Johnny probably knew he was going to die.
I soooo miss Shane..only her to write a letter like that to Tina. Now i think Tina will finally decide what will she want..Bette or Ally. Post soon!.
God that was powerful. Please have Tina go back to Bette to claim hers.
I like the complications with ally, but please let bette and tina together ok? like others few wiriter of this site you also have a fun club. thkts
Hey Citygirl, let Tina please go backto Bette!! They are made for eachother!!!
Shane may have passed abway but sometimes it’s the words of someone who has passed on that will deeply affect you. The force is stong and will continue to live in a way that does not need a physical body! LOL!! As a Tibetter, I too am hoping that B&T will end up together. Nevertheless, I will be happy with wherever you lead us.
It seems so end for Bette and Tina, even Shane agree that Tina should be with Ally. And, I can’t believe that Alice, Bette’s best friend, set Tina to date with Ally? I really like this letter very mcuh, it makes me tearful…
I hope that she picks Bette
the tone of this letter does sound like shane sort of telling tina to choose ally, even though she gives advice about claiming bette back… i hope i’m wrong and tina will talk to bette and choose her…powerful letter
So what are saying!!! Tina is going to choose Ally.
Bette and Tina will never be together from the title of this story.I relly dislike reading a story that I think is a Tibette story and than find out later one of the other chooses someone else. But Iam hook on this story and I have to read it to the end.
Wow this is amazing. Too bad Shane had to die but hopefully Tina will listen to this letter and talk to Bette. Don’t be scared of your feelings Tina, if you don’t want Bette let her go.
wow…that was a very moving chapter…i love how unpredictable your story is and i’m totally looking forward to the next chapters!!! =)ps – u rock! =)
Maybe Shane can pull some strings from on high??
wow that was one incredibly written letter – I wish I had a friend who could tell it like it is with so much clarity. It actually made me not care what Tina does as long as it’s honest. Your writing blew me away today – thank you.
that was something else..please post soon
Great writing Citygirl! It’s amazing your ability to evoke different emotion/reactions after each chapter. I have to say that I really don’t give two shits about Tina and for all I care she can go do something to herself. I have to say I like Ally and if she can take tina away for good I’ll be even happier. I hope Shane’s death gives TIbette CLOSURE and that’s it. It’s a shame that death and weddings are really the only effective devices that can bring people together. I have no idea where you are going with this story and it’s great. It keeps you on your toes! Post soon!
I have to comment again. Today, I read this article about Uma Thurman and here’s what she said about love and relationships. It gave me hope for our gals. Yeah, I know they are fictional. Uma said,”You need to want to be forgiving. If you love the person then you’ll forgive the unforgivable.” Since they are soulmates, I believe they can be reunited.
HEy CG, That was beautiful and tender. What a wonderful gift for Tina. Shane’s letter was full of truth and honest emotions. I do hope that all the gals can get some form of closure from Shane’s death. It would be a pity if they didn’t learn from it and follow their heart’s desire. Ally has been a rock for Tina and now, Alice however Tina needs to sort out her true feelings for Bette. I do hope that Bette and Tina can find a way back to each other especially after Shane’s death. This, like Dana’s, has shaken the friends to their very core but is also a catalyst for realizing how short life is and how little time there often is to enjoy it. This gives them the opportunity and excuse to capture their dreams. These last two chapters have been everything that they should have been; gentle and heartfelt; raw and intense. Thank you so muvh for this thought provoking storyline. Your Loyal Fan.
OMG. That really was a very intense and powerful letter. Great writing, girl. Will Tina claim Bette as her own?
R.i.P Yoda. That letter was very important for Tina imo. She needs someone else to tell her these things. And who else but the yoda herself. I love this chapter. I believe Tina is coming back, and she’ll claim hers. If it’s ally fine. if it’s Bette Good. just as long as Tina and Bette talk and have a conversation. They really need to talk CG. And neither can move unitl they talk about the past. Stories like these, make me happy. Very susepensful.
A voice from the grave, but will Tina listen??? – I think she will!!!