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Tina, Tiny Pieces Chapter 26
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Tuesday morning, at the office of Tina’s therapist
If you knew that you would die today,
Saw the face of god and love,
Would you change?
I thumb through a magazine, stopping occasionally on an article or a recipe or an ad. I stare at the page, I see words that I cannot decipher, I look closely at pictures whose images I do not absorb. I tap my foot. I glance around, nervously, self-consciously, although I am alone. The receptionist – young, bored and beautiful – smiled artificially and told me Dr. Saperstein would be with me shortly.
I do not recall a time when I have felt this tired. I am not sleepy. I yawn but only because it stifles the tears that seem so ever-present. My eyes do not droop but the lids seem to weigh a hundred pounds apiece.Â
I set the magazine down on the chair next to me. I pull my purse up from the floor to my lap. I pull it tightly to me. I feel so exposed. I feel naked. I feel ashamed. I have no idea what I will say.Â
There is so much, it seems, that I could say — and yet nothing that I truly want to. Â
If you knew that love can break your heart
When you’re down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
I left this morning without a word. I took Angelica quietly to the car, relieved to close the door, grateful to turn on the engine, safe in the cramped confines – because it was just her and me.Â
I do not know if Henry was gone already – our bedroom door was closed. I slept in Angel’s room, on her floor. I’ve been there every night since Saturday, since Henry and I came home from our disastrous dinner with Scott and Sarah.
I rub my back, smiling ruefully. If this is going to continue, I’ll need to make some sort of provision. A sleeping bag. I chuckle, and then stop myself. I glance quickly at the receptionist who drops her head fast. I tell myself she probably sees a lot of people in here who laugh at nothing. I silently wish I’d kept the magazine open, then she’d think I was amused by something I’d read.
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Welcome back. There is no need to apologize for your absence. You are entitled to have a life. I hope that your time away has been enjoyable. Oh, and thanks for the post.
Tina has A LOT of shit to lay out there and work through. Her best bet when the therapist asks why she’s there is to simply say, “I’m a fuck-up.” She’ll be asked why she’s a fuck-up and she can go from there. I just realized that this reminds me a bit of mariebrandt’s “Introspection” which I recently read. The main focus is one character, except here Tina is the main focus whereas Marie had Bette in the spotlight. Let’s hope this therapist doesn’t suck and Tina won’t be afraid or too stubborn to open up for real.
With every author’s note and chapter, I fall a little bit more in love with you. Which is kinda awkward for me since I don’t even know your first name :). Seriously though, this chapter was wonderful. There were a couple of times I had to stop and reread a line because it was so powerful. You have an economy of words that is amazing. Thanks for coming back :).
Would you change? Tina doesn’t accept change very well; especially if the changes are of her own doing. But that doesn’t just apply to Tina; Henry needs to ask himself the same question. I understood the ripping of the bedspread. In Henry’s heart of hearts, he feels that Tina has ripped apart anything they have shared; the bedspread being the last vestiges of what they were supposed to have. By tearing it apart, he finished the job she started. Now, there’s nothing left but a big gaping hole in the center. I think that hole represented his heart; especially when he said, “you never loved me.” SkyCaptain’s comment said it best – he may not have known Tina, but he knew the life she walked away from. It seems that he thought Tina would change. I don’t feel sorry for him though at all. He is the classic case of ‘Ego Gone Wild’ – He has spent most of this story trying to pretend that Bette never existed; hence Tina’s life with Bette didn’t exist either. Even though Tina has realized that she needed to seek help, she has taken the 1st step, yet as long as she continues to blame everything and everyone on everything that has gone haywire in her life, then her progress is for naught.
1 more thing; its great to have you back Kid. LASTKID FOR PRESIDENT – MOVE OVER HILLARY! Kid, with the gift of words you possess, you’d have the Iraqi’s holding hands and singing kumbaya
Well i loved all your reasons for being away from this story….and believed most of them…lol..honestly!!!….BUT only because you came back with a chapter that kinda blew me away!…Reading word for word Tinas thoughts..and feeling compelled to blink occasionally..This was so very heartfelt,sad and thought provoking…but im warming towards Tina…something i was finding hard to do in some chapters…This is purly down to your extraordinary writing…So Welcome back…and Thanks for coming back with another amazing chapter…Looking forward to more when you get a chance!
Man, I so enjoy this story…it’s like I’m reading it and I’m hoping that more pages miraculously appear so that it never stops. Weird – I think that I can relate to a few of the feelings that Tina is feeling – that whole unraveling feeling touches my heart…thanks for a great story and please, keep ’em coming!
One night, some years ago, a friend of mine and I thought we spotted a UFO. It took us about 5 seconds to decide to turn the car and chase this slow, low, oddly-lighted craft. After about 10 minutes, we got close enough to see that it was an old prop plane with some kind of lighting on the sides for ads or something. We were disappointed. I have no idea what we would have done had the thing landed and we still thought it was a UFO. Since then I have often wondered whether our actions were crazy or courageous.
Lastkid, it was so great to see a post from you. I am so into this story. Frankly, I surprised that Henry has not yet thrown Tina out. I’m glad she is seeing someone…the next person I would like her to see is a real estate agent…and she needs to get her act together so she can hang on to that job of hers.
Always a delight to see another chapter from you kid and your daedal author’s notes are as entertaining as ever – welcome back!…….Tina’s behaviors are so deeply ingrained that the are second nature to her. Her need for the therapist AND the receptionist to perceive her as ‘normal’ doesn’t even register on her radar. To live in fear that even something as simple as a casual laugh will be misconstrued as a sign of someone that is a ‘nutjob’ is enough to make anyone tired. And Tina is tired because she is shouldering a world of burdens of her own making and skating on the fringes of depression and Alice noticed it long before Tina did……I’m curious to see if “Makes you turn around, Makes you try to explain, Makes you forgive and forget” is a harbinger for a good resolution or confirmation that the hurdle is just too high for Tina to scale……Tina’s half-truth about not having any help with Angelica is just another example of her ability to manipulate reality. She doesn’t have, or until recently, didn’t have any help with Angelica because it was her idea to be the sole parent – with both Bette and Henry. She continues to conveniently eschew responsibility for her part in how her life has turned out……Tina may not be in a rehab facility, but she is still clawing at the bugs of self-doubt and self-loathing that are eating her alive……Every now and again we get a glimpse of a Tina that is tapped into her psyche with comments like “…final, crashing crescendo I’d expected, perhaps even hoped it would be”. This Tina knows that she subconsciously sets things up to fail, orchestrates situations to suit her will – she’s just too afraid to acknowledge it for more than a nano second. Anything longer would require her to look more closely at herself……Henry’s petulance and his animus towards Tina at dinner is nothing new, he isn’t skilled enough to process his anger and frustration and so he acts out instead……The most striking thing for me about this chapter is that what Tina failed to see with Sarah is that Sarah took her at face value. Despite an akward evening, obvious contempt for Henry and startling revelations Sarah still made herself available to Tina, even though she really didn’t think that Henry would do anything unseemly. Tina doesn’t need to put on a facade – she can be liked, even worried about – warts and all by someone whose only perception of you isn’t very pretty……Henry’s accusation that it has always been about Bette isn’t entirely true – it’s mostly been about Tina – Bette has simply been the catalyst for Tina’s demons……Tina tells the truth when it benefits her and usually as a weapon, when it doesn’t – her ability to prevaricate is used to sway opinion and circumstance……On some levels, Henry is much more aware of Tina’s actions that she knows. He knew that the buttons on the duvet were metaphors for Tina’s struggle with Bette. Now Henry attacks the very symbol of Tina’s angst and whom he perceives as the interloper. I was expecting to hear him shout “Out damn spot!” as he tore through the fabric of their lives. In his attempts to destroy the duvet, I wonder which relationship he was truly trying to vitiate – his and Tina’s, Tina and Bette’s or his own vicarious one with Bette?……Tina never talked about IT because it would it would mean that she would actually have to listen to someone else and possibly risk being emotionally exposed herself. It would also mean that perhaps the public patina of their relationship would be exposed as well. By trying to obfuscate what happened between Bette and Candace it makes it much more difficult to distinguish the genuine from the simulacrum…….Although Tina objurgates her mother for her viewpoint on how to handle infidelity, Tina is really not all that different from her mother. The humiliation of Bette’s affair in effect, caused Tina to try to widow herself. She removed herself from Bette and the life she knew before the affair – only the ghost of her former existence won’t go away……Tina’s dislike for Dan Foxworthy is typical once again. Who wants “I” centered statements, when you live in a “Me” world?……Now, with a new therapist and Tina repining for her old life there is a small interstice between moving forward and taking two steps back – there is a light, albeit small, at the end of the tunnel if Tina chooses to see it as a way out and not as a vanishing point…….Your chapters are always top notch and this one was no exception! Excellent as always Kid, just superb!!
Apology accepted Kid. You’ve been sorely missed BY ALL, well especially by me.Everyday,for like the past 2mos, i’ve been waiting for this chapter. Alas, it here. FINALLY. I’m glad it’s seven pages. But i want 10 or more pages next time LK. And i don’t wanna hear anymore excuses from you!LOL.I don’t care if you get kidnapped by the damn taliban, you better find a computer to type on. LOLAnyways…Well Tina is breaking my freaking heart LK. When will it ever stop? This heartache. This is coming from a Tina shipper. I love the woman, but she’s screwed up. I’m glad she’s seeking help. I don’t think she’s laying blame on others feet, perhaps she’s finally aware of her own faults in her marriage to Bette. She’s admitting that she didn’t communicate with Bette, when Bette wanted to talk about the affair. Tina is taking baby steps, but at least she’s aware of her Fuckedupness. I still hate Henry. I felt slighly guilty for hating him, but he’s an asshole. They need to break up, and Tina needs a fresh start. I don’t think you physically need to kill Tina, cus she’s mentally dead. The woman is not Living. How is she raising Angie? So much thoughs in one’s head is just not good. Hope the therapist provides some serinity for Tina. She needs it bad. Or maybe she just needs Bette? LOL/ Post soon LK. Your writingthis story is addictive.
Another engrossing peek inside Tina’s psyche. Tina’s mom is a seriously frosty gal and while T set out to be a different person she has that same capacity to withdraw and leave a frozen path behind.You write the intricacies of her thought like no one else.You don’t need to apologize for the length between the chapters because your work is always worth the wait.
I’ve just had the immense pleasure of discovering your work! Somehow I’ve missed out on your wonderful story until now. And now I’m haunted by it. Your prose is achingly mesmerizing. I couldn’t do anything for an entire day until I finished reading every word. Thank you for sharing your gift!
It is time…
A lot of us really hope you’ll continue the story, I guess any time before 2010 would be nice :D
Wish you would consider resuming where you left off. Or writing something new.
it’s been since the latter part of ’06 that you last posted. i just found your story and stayed uptil 2@3 0’clock in the morning, because it is so dam good,i just couldn’t stop reading.What went wrong? please try to finish it. you got a good thing going here, and i’m sure, and even you, want closure. thank you for giving us a great story, just please finish it. sarm
i don’t know whats happen in your life, but u have a great story here, i just got to the end, and dam, its not finished. please, can u see fit to finish this great story? i’m sure i’m not the only one that wants to see how it ends. thank you. you are a great writer, and would like to see more from u.
I have been making a pest of myself over the years by proclaiming my adulation again and again. Kind of stalkerish. Today was the first time that I listened to Tracy Chapman’s Change, the lyrics to which which you have excerpted throughout this chapter. I found it oddly calming after finishing the chapter and recommend it as perfect. Also, if anyone wants to discuss the story, there is the Author Spotlight thread or PM me.
Last kid where are you dear? I just re-read your story and it is just as good now as it was 7 years ago. I hope you haven’t forgotten about your fans or the characters that are in limbo in this awesome story. Please come back to us and post soon.
Well, lk, you never disappoint. Your stories are off the chain. Aren’t I articulate? Your author’s notes are just freakin’ funny and clever. I have lost my car in malls , airport parking lots and most recently in a football stadium parking lot where I spent the better part of 30 minutes looking for my vehicle in 115 degree heat. Remember it’s AZ. Oh, yeah, it’s a dry heat. Fuckin’ lies..it’s just freakin’ hotter than Hades. Tina is a fucking nutjob. Hopefully, she can be helped. Reunite w/Bette?? crazy I know but I a a die hard TiBettaholic. LK, you’re the best!
Welcome Back. And your back in a big way. Tina,Tina Tina, what to do now. Great Chapter. Thank you
Thank you for another excellent, engrossing chapter, lastkid.
I’ve been wondering the last few days when you’d be back. Thanks for the update–its great! Sad, scarey for Tina, but great.
Poor Henry, he’d go insane if he’s still staying with Tina like that. He really should consider of a divorce. I’m worrying about Angie. Tina seems quite mentally unstable at the moment. It’d do no good to a baby.
God..Tina is just so fucked up. Glad to see you made it back to us. I’m sure we aren’t as exciting as the summer you had. ; ) Please post soon
Lastkid love you comments especially number 2, lol. Its a start for Tina going to see a shrink, I’m hoping she is going to get there in the end, will there be some sunshine passing Tina’s way soon, those dark clouds need to just break up a little bit so some sunrays can get through. Thanks LK always a pleasure to see a post from you.
Wow…welcome back…you have been missed. This Tina has alot of work to do to get back to sanity. She needs to get away from Henry…you want to feel sorry for him but then again he knew she was with someone but yet he slept with Tina…he knew she was a lesbian before but now it’s driving him crazy. Did he think she would get over it overnight…that she could spend 8 years and have a child with someone and just get over it? Have another drink Henry and shut the f*ck up….lol. Please post soon.
Wherever you’ve been and whatever you’ve done to come back with such a strong chapter, I wish we could bottle it. The essence of what you do would be priceless. …I’ll come back later with specific comments about the content of this amazing chapter. For now, thank you!
Yeah, that Condy, what a bitch! But at least she’s more comprehensible than the little greenies. To think they come all that way and choose to communicate with us in crop circle symbology that none of us get. But then, that’s a better attempt than anything Tina’s tried to date. My goodness, she may actually be prepared to admit to having a role in her own life. Let’s hope so, anyway.
your totally forgiven for having a life and sounds like a fun summer. it was worth the wait. as always it was excellent. thanks.
Real life gets in the way of F?F sometime, but we know that there is a real life. Tina has a lot of problems.which she can’t it all on Bette or Henry. Nor her friends. Some of her problems started in her childhood. thanks for Posting.
hey lasty, here I am!! I am glad to see you again and hope your summer has been enjoyable with any of the aforementioned and various diversions! I vote for the drinks and many channels! I thought of you just today, earlier, yes BEFORE you posted, as I saw a video of a cat trying to climb up a plastic slide, and just succeeding in..sliding, and I wondered how your dog was doing with his slide tricks. Now, I was going to email you and beg you to post because I have been bored out of my mind this summer and there has been nothing but Bette and Tina fics everywhere one looks til I wanna kill someone, like Tina, oh yeah I already wanted to kill tina, but now I really do, especially since I know damn well she is gonna sit in that therapist’s office and blame everything on Bette..so please please please can I kill Tina?? Just once? What do you mean I tend to use run on sentences? Not a bit of it. Can’t you use your powers for good just ONE time and write a wee little fic about a happy Bette with anyone else..no wait, not Alice or Jenny or Lara or max or..ok not just anyone else but someone hot like Shane or Helena..yeah…pleeeeeeeeeease? I promise I would protect you from the tibetters who really are getting out of control. Pretty please, with sugar on it? Love ya …don’t be a stranger!
Always great to see an update.
Wowie. This was intense. Brilliant as always. Oh and I loved loved loved your excuses. I’m gonna go cry now. Your quotey things in your story made a big sad painful knot form in my throat. Some fool in our neighborhood is shooting fireworks. Do you shoot fireworks on labor day at 12:26 am. WTF?
Good to have you back. You don’t have to make anything up but let’s be real, we all prefer anything but reality right? That’s why we’re all here in the first place. Anyhow, this is some deep stuff and I love it. Keep it up kid.
hi, i am a big fan of your story. I love the way you write. And i think that the fools over at the L-word should put you on their writing team because you are very creative. I hope you post soon because i can’t wait to see what will happen with my favorite couple.
helooo~~yup. it’s time. it’s time for u to continue the story!
Hey babe. This story both unnerves and appeases me. It’s a weird combination, but I like it. Where’s the rest of the story? It’s most definitely time. ;)
I read this story the first time around, at a time in my life when I was deeply depressed. Tina’s experience resonated with me, and I sobbed my way through so many of the chapters. So desperately sad the way we ruin our lives. Last week one of the regular posters here mentioned they had gone back to re-read this, and it prompted me to come see which story it was. So now it’s 8.36 am and I just spent the night reading through all 26 chapters again. I sobbed my way through it again, recalling how I felt the first time around, so similarly to the deep pit of sadness that Tina is experiencing. You probably don’t read these comments any more, but if you do I’d love to see how Tina gets herself through this. She has the gift of Angelica and her friends, and in time will come to cherish the love she had for Bette, even if it can never be the same. Some people go through life never finding their one true love. I hope Tina realizes how, even through the suffering, she has a lot to be grateful for. Thanks so much for this story.
Almost a copy of Socals 2010 comment – i also read it back in 2006 & have just re-read it – where ever you are it would be empowering to read how you get tina through this – its such a deeply moving & compelling story you tell – i was shocked to get here & realise you never finished it. Would love if you felt like revisiting this powerful story & finishing it!