“Tina?”


“Yes?”


“There’s still some things that I need to talk about.” Bette released their embrace and looked down at Tina.


Tina took a deep breath. “Okay.”


Bette walked over to the couch and sat down. She retrieved her wine glass and took a sip. “Why did you have such a hard time with me being out of work? You seemed so angry about the entire situation.”


Tina walked over to her wine glass, picked it up, then turned and leaned against the desk. “I’ve been trying to figure that out. I know that in my mind I thought that you would just bounce back and find another position. We agreed that you would work and I would stay home and take care of our family. I guess when that didn’t happen, I felt betrayed in some way. You were supposed to take care of us, of our family. You were so nonchalant about our financial situation, and I was worried because we had a baby to take care of.”


Bette looked over at Tina. “Tina, we were okay financially for a while. I just wanted to find a job that I could love, that would fulfill me. After the CAC, the last thing I wanted was to jump into another pressure cooker, especially now that we had Angelica. I always planned to take care of our family.”


“I know that now, Bette. I guess I was so stuck in the idea that we each had our roles, and that you weren’t fulfilling yours. I was angry that I felt the need to go back to work to support us, and I was resentful that you were now getting to stay home with the baby.”


“No one forced you to go back to work, Tina. That was your choice.”


Tina walked over to Bette and sat down. She ran her hand through her hair. “I know. I just had these expectations for our life, and things changed. I didn’t handle the change very well. I got angry and resentful because you weren’t being who I thought you should be.”


“So how did men come into all of this? Have you always had feelings for them and just never told me?”


“No. I think that I needed a dominant personality in my life. You were always that way, so in charge and sure of yourself. Then I look up and you’re studying Buddhism and finding your passion. I wasn’t ready for that, especially with Angelica with us now. So when someone offered to be in charge, I let them.”


Bette tried to process what Tina was saying. “So you needed someone to dominate you?”


“No, not exactly. I wanted to feel as if someone else was in charge. I always felt as if you took care of me on some level. Especially when I was trying to get pregnant and after I did. I liked that feeling, I guess, and I went looking for it when it wasn’t there anymore.” Tina was trying to make sense of what she had felt.


Bette shook her head. “Tina, you made the decision to leave Alphaville in order to work on our family. I never said that you should do that.”


“I know. But once I gave up that position in our lives and you became the sole breadwinner, I found that I kind of liked being taken care of. I didn’t have to worry about things because I knew that you would take care of them.”


Bette stood up and walked over to the bottle of wine. As she poured herself another glass, she was still attempting to understand what Tina was saying. “Tina, I still don’t get how losing my job at the CAC had anything to do with your feelings for men.”


“Bette, you are the strongest woman I know. You can hold your own with any man or woman in the world. I love the way you make me feel when you’re taking care of me. When you started looking inward, I guess I felt neglected. Not that I had gotten over the affair and would let you in anyway. You were focusing on yourself and your life, and I still felt the need to be cared for. No other woman could ever take your place. So, when I started getting attention from men, I just went with it.”


“So you were looking for a caretaker?” Bette still wasn’t sure that she understood.


“I guess so, in a way.”


Bette inhaled. “So what are your feelings about men?”


Tina stood up and walked over to refill her wine glass. “Bette, my feelings for men are the same as they were before I met you.”


Bette tilted her head and looked at Tina. She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the rest of this.


Tina continued. “When I was with men before I met you, it was due to an expectation by society that I would grow up and get married. To a man. That I would be in a relationship. With a man. The great heterosexual paradigm, right? Girl meets boy, girl falls in love with boy, girl marries boy and makes babies. Boy takes care of girl. Everything was so black and white.” Tina walked back over to the couch.


“But then I met you. And my black and white world turned into Technicolor. I didn’t start living until I found you. I didn’t know what love was until I met you. So, I had to rewrite history. Girl meets girl, girl falls in love with girl…”


“But it didn’t end that way, Tina. Girl went back to boy.”


“Because I was looking for the security that I thought I needed. The security that if I couldn’t get with you, I could only get with a man.” Tina stared into her wine glass. “It was easier if I was with a man. Society doesn’t ask too many questions.”


Bette looked at Tina. “I thought you didn’t care about what society thought.”


Tina stood up and walked to the window. “Bette, I’m not sure what I was thinking at the time. I felt as if my safety net was gone. So I went with what I knew. I guess I chickened out on some level.”


Bette looked confused. “What do you mean?”


“I looked out at the world and felt as if I didn’t fit in. And for some reason, it did matter to me that I didn’t. I think Angelica had something to do with it. I had a daughter who would have to grow up in this world, and she shouldn’t have to feel like an outcast.”


“So you were attracted to men because of Angelica? Tina, that makes no sense.”


“I know that growing up biracial is not easy. You told me that. So if she had a traditional family…maybe things would be easier on her. On me.” Tina sighed. “Look, I know that this sounds like a copout. I admit that I got scared when things didn’t go according to plan and I made some stupid mistakes.” Tina looked over at Bette. “I know that this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. But the bottom line is that I am not sexually attracted to men. I can MAKE myself if I need to. I guess for a while I needed to. Getting into a relationship with another woman would have been too complicated. Plus there isn’t any other woman that I want other than you. So I opted for the easy way out.”


“Tina, how do you make yourself attracted to men?” Bette was curious about Tina’s statement.


“Bette, even you know the answer to that. You slept with guys in college. How did you do it?” Tina continued. “I know it’s crazy, but it’s the truth. I thought I needed someone, someone that couldn’t be you because I couldn’t fully forgive you.”


Bette stood up and walked across the room. “So how am I supposed to believe that you are not truly attracted to men? If I take the dominant role in our relationship then suddenly you’re a lesbian? Is this some kind of butch/femme thing?”


“No, Bette. I gave away my power when I stopped working. The power differential turned out to contribute to our downfall because of my stupid way of thinking. I know now that I don’t need anyone to take care of me. Not in that way. We need to be on equal ground in order for our relationship to work. And I need to throw out all of my expectations and be willing to compromise and negotiate when necessary. I’ll say it again: I AM NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO MEN. Period. I know that I have not acted that way lately, but it’s true. All I want is you. I hope that you will give me a chance to show you.”


“I’m not there yet, Tina. Not even close.” Bette walked back over to the couch and sat down.


“I expected that.” Tina looked over at Bette. “I just want a chance with you. I’ll wait forever for you if I have to.”


Bette continued to try and wrap her mind around what Tina was saying. “So, what you’re telling me is that if I had jumped up and taken over our lives when you told me you had feelings for men, none of this would have happened?”


“I don’t know, Bette. All I know is that I made some really stupid mistakes. I accept the blame for that. I really made a mess of things. It is what it is. I fucked up, and now I want to try to make things right.”


Bette exhaled. “I don’t understand why we couldn’t talk about any of this before.”


Tina walked over to Bette and sat down. “We never learned how to talk to each other again, even after we reconciled. All of our conversations were basically about Angel.”


“Well, how do we learn now? I mean, we’re doing okay now, how do we keep going?”


Tina ran her hands through her hair. “We are making progress. We have to keep hearing each other out. I know that some things are painful and hard to hear, but we have to get everything out. What do you think?”


Bette sat back on the couch and looked at Tina. She stood up, took a few steps, and turned around. “I propose that we set a few ground rules.”


“Such as?” Tina was curious.


“We both have apparently become masters at running away from our problems. That has to stop. So, I propose that we agree to hear each other out. No more running away. We face things together.” Bette perused the appetizers on the desk. “Okay?”


“Okay. That sounds fair.”


“We also have to stop trying to protect each other’s feelings and not dance around things. I know that I can be a hothead…”


Tina smiled. “You think?”


Bette laughed. “Anyway, I can be somewhat stubborn and I know that you have tried to keep things from me in the past. I have done the same thing with you. Protecting each other’s feelings has done nothing but undermine our relationship. No more. If one of us gets angry, then so be it. We can’t tiptoe around things that need to be addressed.”


“True,” Tina nodded. “But Bette, what if things get to be too much? What if one of us gets overwhelmed by what’s going on?”


Bette thought for a moment. “Then we have the right to say that it’s too much and take a timeout of sorts. But we have to agree to revisit the issue and try to resolve it.”


“Hmmm…a timeout. I like that idea.” Tina sipped her wine thoughtfully. “That could actually work.”


“Okay, then. We agree on the rules.”


“Rules sound so harsh, Bette.”


“Guidelines, then. Better?”


“Better. So, where do we stand right now?”


Bette walked over to the window. She turned around and sighed. “I think that we need to order another bottle of wine. I need to talk about…Henry.”