Listening to the breeze outside my window, I realize that although the birds are singing and the house is a blaze with visitors, I am alone in my journey.  No one knows of my past. Nobody knows of who I really am in the present. They look at me at face value and assume for themselves of who I am and what I am about. I don’t give them anything extra to think about. I leave everyone to assume whatever they like about me. Their opinions don’t really matter.

But then I think. If their opinions of me don’t really matter, why is it I haven’t come out to any of them and told them I am attracted to females? Could it be that I don’t want to lose any of their love? Maybe I don’t want to be viewed as a lesbian. Whatever it is, I don’t do anything about it. My private life is my private life.  It’s nobody else’s business unless I invite them into that part of my life.

Someone who knows of exactly who I am is my best mate Capri. She and I have been best mates from high school.  We didn’t get along at the beginning, but once we gave each other a chance, we realized that we both had many things in common. The being attracted to girl’s part came later in our friendship. We both didn’t look at another female and felt something until we left high school. She told me about her feelings for another woman one evening and I thought nothing of it. I accepted her for she was and loved her unconditionally.  It wasn’t until she told me of her attractions to the same sex that I started to view woman differently myself. I don’t think it was her influence. More of the fact that I allowed myself to be me and not to conform to the ideals that society had in place on me from the beginning of my life.

With that thought, there is a knock on the door. None other then my cousin’s wife and her 1 year old little girl. Rolette by name, Rolette by nature. This woman was a gossip queen, whose opinions were always right and never wrong. It would always be a gamble to say something personal in front of her. You had her trust for a minute but the second she walked out the door, your secret would be safe with the whole family. I greet her, letting her and her adorable baby, then go back inside my room, back to my escape from their reality.

Now, before you ask, this isn’t one of these stories where I rant for 25 chapters only to tell you in the end that I find love with my best mate. There are many fish in the sea and I’m on my journey to find exactly what I want out of life.  This is going to be a honest memoir of my life so far. Join me in my journey. You can call me J.