Coming up for air – part four

It was Monday afternoon when Tina pulled into the driveway. She was home after a day at work, phones ringing off the hook, people vying for her attention none stop. Home… she said out loud as if she needed to remind herself that in fact this was… home. She took off her shoes while she was still standing on the threshold, letting out a sigh of relief. She grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and went through the house and out on the huge balcony. If she placed herself in exactly the right spot she could see the ocean. It was Tina favorite place in her home… yes home…

The same thing happened every time she was left alone to think. Her thoughts wandered to Bette. Most days she didn’t let herself get carried away with this kind of thinking. It was heartbreaking… and it was not productive in any way. But she knew her thoughts would be interrupted in a short while so she let herself indulge in memories of the smile that could wake the dead. A warm rush went through her body. She shivered without realizing.

Tina was still waiting for the memories to fade. She wanted them to fade – sometimes. Other times she wanted to cling to the memories of Bette like they were her life raft. She had expected that over time she would remember less, that the days spent with Bette would get blurred. That the further away she got in time and space the less she’d be able to recall. In stead the details of her life with Bette seemed to increase in depth and power. The first months after she left, the bad times were all Tina could see. But as time went on the good times seemed to gain access to her mind, to take over the images in her head. Tina failed to understand why.

One of the memories that most frequently crossed Tina’s mind was the time when Bette made the promise to always be true. For Tina that promise had been the very foundation of their relationship. She believed Bette when she said she would never, could never, stray. It was such a bittersweet memory.