A Means To An End 8

I’ll take the burden full blown
And then we’ll, I’ll be there, no

Do you think I care?

No fist to fucking save you from
No fist to fucking save you from
No fist to fucking save you from

Ch 17

The rain hits the windshield.

 Pelt. Drops. Wipe. Pelt. Drops. Wipe.

 Carmen crashed out about ten miles back. She was coming down from her high of life on the dark side. It’s not a thing she is accustomed to. Her feelings driving her away from her fears. We made out ok. Just a bunch of tens and twenties totaling up to 578 dollars. Not bad. Not great. I look at her peaceful her head on the window, seatbelt cutting into her but she doesn’t notice. I love her; it’s a simple truth, the only truth.

 There has not been much in the way of stop since we met. There was never really a getting to know you faze. I can’t actually recall a real anniversary that we could honor our feelings with. Nothing about us has ever been safe or normal. It’s been a merry go round, roller coaster that goes backward with momentary glimpses into happy futures, death in disguise and on and on and on. What ever peace that has been allowed has only ended in pieces…and like that liquid metal guy we just keep on reforming and moving on. Is it luck? Was it fated to be?  When exactly will The Terminator come grenade launcher in hand and break us up leaving no pieces to reform?

What example of positive thinking can I give myself when things just keep coming? No end in sight for the countless people I have wronged. I guess what I am trying to say is; I understand Conrad and his hate for me. he is right I didn’t care that Dana died. I shed more tears at the end of “Where the day takes you” than for Dana. I just didn’t care. A woman who I was in love with…..or the idea? I was in love with the idea of Dana. My Hollywood wife and her wine and her money and refined taste. She lived a life I never thought I would. And she was brutally murdered by my enemy and I felt nothing. I didn’t loose sleep. I had no lingering doubt or guilt in my mind. To be honest a part of me felt like she deserved what she got. It’s a part of me that I am not proud of. A part of me that is brutal and hateful. Fueled by things in me wrapped in venom and other parts that tick like a bomb. It’s lethal. A part I try hard to not let out. That part of me that makes my hands shake and sweat collect on the back of my neck. Yeah that part of me that agreed with Pop and his actions toward my own mother. The real dark truth of me was my pure hate and contempt for women as a whole. I learned that woman can’t be trusted, that they lie for the simplest things in life. Then I met Carmen. I knew that women where a game to me. When Dana told me she never wanted to see me again and I stumbled down and down angry at her for making me feel at all, then Carmen showed up and I knew she was the one. Her lies where not the lies that most women told me. she never lied to me about how she felt and I never thought of Dana again. Dana was a liar. I was a possession to her. And she is dead and I never thought about her at all. That dark part of me. Bitter at all the women in the world because of the example my mother left me with. I didn’t have a chance against the woman snoring next to me. She is my goddess and I worship at her temple nightly. If someone were to kill her…for real kill her. I would make it my life’s mission to destroy that person. So I understood Conrad well. We are relation in our hate fueled by love. Conrad made one mistake though; Pop always told me “don’t start things you can’t finish.” There is no way in fucking hell that he is going to hurt the only good thing that came out of that mess with Havoc. No way. Conrad has an issue with me; he knew where to find me. Taking Marco and making Carmen scared and miserable was a waste of time. That dark part of me wants so bad to make him the way of the dinosaur. And if something happens to Marco or Carmen because of this; that darkness is going to choke Conrad Voynow till his eyes pop out of his face. The darkness will smile bright happy to return to it’s rightful place.