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    What Grief Has Made, Part Twenty-Six

    Story written on January 14, 2007 by windrider.
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    24 votes, average: 2.83 out of 524 votes, average: 2.83 out of 524 votes, average: 2.83 out of 524 votes, average: 2.83 out of 524 votes, average: 2.83 out of 5 (24 votes, average: 2.83 out of 5)
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    Number of Comments: 1
    Words: 1269
    Story Shortlink: https://lesfan.com/?p=64000
    Author Notes:

    Bette: Nowhere to run

    But there was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. In less than an hour, she’d be seeing Tina again. Sitting at the same table with her. Not alone, she told herself, I don’t have to face her alone…not yet. Even so, she would feel the pain. She always could tell what Tina was feeling. Until lately, anyway, the last year or so. But there was no mistaking it this afternoon. At the hospital. They were both bleeding out emotionally and trying to hold it back. It was almost unbearable being in the elevator with her. Even harder once she’d realized that Tina wasn’t wearing her ring. And now she was going to see her again. How am I going to get through this?

    How did I get this way? She wondered. She felt so lost, so out of control. Obviously she’d lost control, or … what? She wouldn’t have turned to Candace? She wanted to believe that, really wanted to believe it. That it was just a loss of self-control. It’s more than that, Bette. You know it is. She nodded at that inner voice, the one she despised so much. She hadn’t heard it in a long time, either because she wasn’t listening or because she’d managed to silence it. But it was always asking questions, always raising doubt, always asking why or why not. And “because” was never a good enough answer.

    That fight with Kit was a good example. When her sister had practically accused her of passing. “Maybe you let people see what you want them to see.”

    It made her furious that Kit would suggest she wasn’t sensitive to her racial background. Oh, really? asked the voice. Just listen to yourself. She had argued with that voice all the way home as it asked raw and edgy questions she didn’t want to think about. Was she trading on her light skin, her smooth hair? Why was she always attracted to pretty young blonde white women? Why didn’t she date women of color? Did she think the CAC would have hired Kit, even if Kit had had her background? Did she get the job because she “looked white”?

     

    So did Yolanda. Who played up the “angry young Black woman” angle way too heavily as far as Bette was concerned. But what really angered her is that Yolanda called her, in front of everyone. And woke up that voice again, the one that said, y’know, maybe she’s right. Maybe you’ve got some issues you need to work on. Bette hadn’t wanted to hear that. She could barely admit that she was afraid she wouldn’t be a good parent.

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