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Feelings… Chapter 9
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“Tina, I don’t know if there is an easy answer to that question. But remember, I didn’t go after her…she pursued me! So to say I ‘chose’ her would not really be accurate.”
“I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t—she was beautiful….”, Tina reluctantly admitted. “But apparently she wasn’t ‘black enough’ for Yolanda—”
“What would you know about that, Tina? You’ve never experienced not fitting in anywhere! You know that when Yolanda called me out in group, it was certainly not the first time I’d had that experience! All my life, I’ve been the ‘square peg in the round hole’, so I always had to find my own niche in the world. And I couldn’t ever be mediocre—I always had to be the best at whatever I did to prove my worth.
“But that’s beside the point. Yes, I was very much drawn to her for the reasons I’ve told you. And yes, she filled a void for me. Look at our circle of friends, Tina. I never wanted to admit this, but sometimes, it was hard not having other people who looked like me in my life on a regular basis. So maybe subconsciously, I was looking for more of a connection there.”
“But did you have to sleep with her? What was I lacking, Bette? Was I not satisfying you? In contrast to her, was I no longer as beautiful in your eyes? You always resented the fact that women were attracted to you because of your ‘exotic’ look, but couldn’t that be part of what drew you to her?”
Why does she keep pushing this point, Bette wondered. She never had doubted her love and attraction to Tina before the carpenter came along. But she recalled feeling those full lips against hers for the first time, and it excited her so. Bette pondered those moments when she could have stopped that first kiss from ever happening—why hadn’t she told Candace not to kiss her? If she had, she would have avoided all the pain that she’d been suffering and had inflicted on Tina since then. But she didn’t. Candace broke the kiss, realizing she had crossed a line, and she left. But Bette stood there and burst into tears. For the longest time, she thought it was out of guilt about the kiss, but eventually, she realized that it was much more than that. She understood that she had a longing for a connection with someone who would just understand her—to whom she didn’t have to explain what it was like being biracial. Someone who just was, and could just let her be! Even though they didn’t specifically talk about it during their lunch, she just resonated with the carpenter. And it scared her because it had been so long since she had felt that same level of resonance with Tina. She understood in hindsight how they were so out of sync with one another then, and they bickered more than ever. Part of it was also because of the tension about the baby. Had she been delusional about the conversation about seeking a black donor? Why was it that she hadn’t thought to invite any of her black friends to the party where they were screening potential donors. None of their friends obviously knew any—that party was as white as the driven snow; she was the only person of color there!
Bette started looking over her whole life at that point. Besides Kit, who else was there? They were overcoming their estrangement because of Kit’s wild lifestyle that she was trying to normalize. For so long, she never knew when she could—or if she could—count on Kit to be there. She had a handful of black colleagues but didn’t spend much time with them. Bette loved her circle of friends, but sometimes, she felt frustrated by that intangible missing piece.
“Maybe you’re right. It had nothing to do with you being less desirable—it was all about me, looking for a different sort of connection. I wanted you, Tina—and only you. But we weren’t being sexual then. Like I said before, so much of our sex life was tied to getting you pregnant. Then, we lost our baby, and that wasn’t the time to press the issue. I really wanted that type of closeness with you, Tina, but I didn’t know how to talk to you about it. I did assume that that’s not what you wanted, though.”
“So instead, you found someone outside our marriage to sleep with while I was at my most vulnerable. Makes perfect sense to me, Bette—‘I can’t get any from my long-time life partner, and I’m tired of her blonde hair and pale skin. Hey! I’ll sleep with this beautiful carpenter that I get to work with every day. She looks like me, and I’ve wanted that for sooo long…..’”
“Tina, STOP IT!!”
“Why? You know I’m right! It was so convenient—she was working right under your nose, and you could flex your schedule to fuck on demand! When was the first time, Bette?”
“I’m so sick of this, Tina! You keep coming back to this same fucking question! How many times have I told you that you are wrong about why that happened? That doesn’t even have anything to do with how this conversation got started. Why don’t you tell me the first time you decided to cyberfuck Daddyof2 or whatever the fuck his name is?"
TBC
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Ok I got a lot to say about this chapter. First, darn it took you long enough to post it. Second I don’t really thing it was all a racial thing for Bette. Yes she and Candace had that in common, but I feel it was all the attention that Candace was giving Bette. Let’s not forget the woman in New York that she slept with. Someone who was on the dance floor staring right at Bette, who wasn’t biracial or black. Third, if Tina wants details, I feel its only right for Bette does tell her. It might hurt but I think it will help Tina understand the type of relationship that Bette and Candace had. I feel Bette’s reluctance to tell her is because she really doesn’t know what it was all about herself. Shane said it best, it’s all about sex. Another thing, I clearly remember Bette telling Foxworthy that it’s not all about sex. Great update baby waiting for the next chapter.
So glad you’re back….I really missed this story! They’ve got a lot of ground to cover…please keep them talking.
Yeah Tina explain that one! Then we’ll get back to your question. I’m glad this story is back. PPS
Glad to see this post. I am not sure the reason for Bette sleeping with Candace except for feeling totally out of touch with Tina and probably life in general. She had not mourned their lost son and continued to work as if nothing had happened. But in the dark recess of her brain he was there along with the pain of losing touch with all that was around her.
Bout damn time! lol I have to agree that Candace gave Bette attention and at a time when she was vulnerable and could’ve used some attention. Bette could be a hardass but we knew she was hurting and maybe the sex was a way to stop the pain for a little while. That doesn’t make it right though. I’d like to think I would never cheat but I can’t tell the future. I don’t know if I’ll have it easy when “the one” comes along. I just know I’m not one to say, “Oh I’ll go cheat on my partner today” and I really don’t think Bette did that either. As for the cybersex, I really don’t know. It would’ve been a hoot in DaddyOf2 had been a woman though!
Hey Arkaycee, good to see you back my friend this good chapter. Yah Im with Succulent1 and can’t wait to see more, thanks!
Very good chapter! you take long time to post it again but the wait is worthy with this intense chapter. I think that Bette should try to explain Tina how she felt in that moment how far away she felt and all her doubts about her marriage because when Bette went with Kit to have dinner with David while they wait for him the little talk between B&K just show how insecure Bette was about her marriage, now Tina has a lot of thing to explain too and it will better if the try to explain each other and try to don’t push so hard in order to both be calm. i really really hope read soon more about this
Its always good to read your words. If there is one thing these 2 need is communication. I agree with the Succulent1 about it not having to do racial backround, but one does tend to be atracked to others they have things in common. Keep it comming.
that was way too short…please post very soon.
Well, it’s about time! Thanks for a complex, realistic and well written chapter. I think the affair was about emotional starvation, grief and timing as well as race. I’ve wondered why Bette didn’t have more people of color in her tight circle of friends. A one page chapter is alright if you post more often.
Hey Arr, so glad to see you back indeed. But did this chapter have to be so short ? It’s a bit frustrating. Very good though, as usual. In fact, I really hope you won’t make us wait 3 more months for an update… Pleeeaaaase… Anyway, once again, it’s terrific having you back in fanficland.
WOW!, I don’t know how you do it, but you keep on doing it. All those questions and answers I have about the downfall of there relationship, you simply put them in words so that I can analyze them in a better way than I could ever do on my own…you’re gifted. Thanks a lot.
I guess we can call off the search party now…Tina hurt Bette when she was skeptical about the black donor. You made some really good points in this story about Bette not having many black friends or influences but I think it boiled down to losing touch and not being intimate and close at a time where they needed that connection. There were a few times where I think Tina knew Bette wanted to connect but she pushed her away. When Bette came home early and Tina went to the gym…Tina knew Bette was trying to reconnect with her…she chose to ignore it. Have that done enough times and then have someone come on to you and shower you with all this attention when you are at your wits end on where your life is going and see how we fair in a situation like that. Bette just needs to tell Tina how she was feeling and how that led to her cheating. Tina can either accept that and try to move forward or walk away. Please post again real soon.
ok, i think you did a great job writing Bette’s feelings…and i think although some people maynot agree with it, I truely believe that it could well be an issue for Bette. This post? TOOOOO Short!! Shame on you!! Just for that…no soup for you!! LOL. Get to crackin on your next post.
Goodness gracious….Bette I wish she’d just open up and Tell Tina the real deal. I mean she’s thinking these things, but she’s not saying much as far as I’m concerned. I was always under the impression that Bette broke her first kiss with Canda.., but that’s besides the point. I guess i just never saw much interaction between B&C,So I’m not really sure if they infact had sooo much in common per se. But this is your story, its juicy and very realistic..but Daddyof2 is up in this equation..where in the world did he come in? Please post soon..preferably before I turn 30! LOL
Hey there, Glad u r exploring this. I am a bitrcial woman… and I did see issues with Tina on the L WORD around this matter but most people seem to either want to avoid it or deny it….so pleasz carry on with this …aorry its taken me so long to read and to comment just been flat tack myself and have spent hours catching up with FANFIC.
I have to admit, I always wondered if race didn’t play more into the Bette/Candace thing… though I really don’t think that was what it was ALL about. Tina wanted to know, now she’s finding out. I’m glad they’re talking, even if it is more like shouting… intense, but I love it.