Chapter 23

Bette quickly pushed her chair away from Kristen and got up putting as much distance between them as she could, given the confines of her office. A flush crossed her face as she struggled to come to grips with what had just happened. She had put Kristen’s hand intimately against her thinking it was Tina’s. Bette’s initial reaction was nothing short of shock that her ex-lover was standing in front of her and had touched her so personally not more then a minute ago. However, as the shock wore off, a wave of guilt quickly followed when her mind drifted to her current lover, who was on her way to the Gallery to share in what was meant to be an intimate moment. It would likely now be classified as ‘uncomfortable’ at best.

“What are you doing?” Bette asked as she worked to control her body’s reaction to Kristen’s touch.

“In my defense, I pulled my hand away and turned you around to face me so you would know it was me.”

“That’s your defense?”

“Well I gathered you weren’t expecting me and merely grabbed my hand out of being caught in the moment. Believe me I didn’t expect that to happen either, I’m just as taken back by it as you are.”

“I hardly doubt that,” Bette said in anger.

“Don’t be mad, you grabbed my hand remember?”

“Kristen why are you here anyway? You left me to go to New York!”

“I know that’s how it seems,” Kristen said calmly as she looked at the couch that decorated one side of Bette’s office. “Can we sit?”

Bette stood there momentarily with her mouth agape and her eyebrow cocked in question at her ex-girlfriend.

“It isn’t how it seems, it’s what happened!”

When Bette made no effort to migrate to the couch nor offer Kristen affirmation on her request to sit, she moved a few piles of paper over and opted for sitting on the edge of Bette’s desk. She had done that very thing so many times before that it came natural for her to do it once more without hesitation.

“I’m sorry,” Bette said as she regained a small amount of her composure. “I’m just surprised to see you.”

“Am I getting you in the middle of something other then the obvious?” Kristen asked with a smirk tugging at the corners of her mouth.

“No,” Bette stammered. “I’m just…” Bette suddenly became very embarrassed by the current state her body was in as well as the action she had been caught doing in preparation for Tina’s arrival. In an effort to disguise her body’s reaction, Bette quickly grabbed her suit jacket off the back of her chair and put it on.

“Bette, it’s not like I haven’t watched you touch yourself before.”

“That was different.”

“Look I know you’re slightly thrown by what happened, but give me some credit for not taking advantage of your aroused state and continuing to touch you instead of just being angry about what just happened.”

“Fine,” Bette said annoyed. “Credit given where it’s due. What I’d like to know, however, is what you’re doing back in LA and at all places my gallery this late at night?”

“I wanted to talk to you.”

“About?”

“Why I left,” Kristen said slowly. “And how much I regret it.”

“Regrets? I thought you left for an amazing opportunity?”

“I did, but when I got there I realized that I can take myself out of the general area where you’re at, but can’t take you out of my heart. I needed to come back and fight for you.”

Bette exhaled the breath she hadn’t been aware she was holding as she closed her eyes at Kristen’s admission.

“If you tell me that you don’t love me, and that it’s too late and you’ve already moved on, then I have no choice but to beat myself up for making the biggest mistake of my life. But if you can’t, then there’s still a chance that you love me and we can make this work.”

“Kristen,” Bette started slowly.

“Bette, I know it’s amazingly corny, but the saying of letting something go to see if it was yours and comes back to you, that speaks volumes to me.”

“But I didn’t come back to you,” Bette said sadly, hating that her words would likely hurt Kristen very much.

“But I’m coming back to you, because I am yours,” Kristen allowed tears to well up in her eyes. “Bette I love you more in one minute then anyone could in a lifetime. All I’m asking is you give me that chance to show you.”

The sight of Kristen beginning to cry melted Bette’s resolve. She did love Kristen, but the things that were said before she left for New York were accurate and Bette couldn’t continue to ignore them. She couldn’t continue to use relationships with women that genuinely loved her as a means to hide and avoid her feelings for Tina.

Bette walked over to her and stood closer, her hands at her sides, trying to determine the best course of action to comfort her ex-lover without making the situation worse. She put her hand on Kristen’s shoulder and gently rubbed it in an effort to calm her down.

“I love you,” Kristen said looking deep into Bette’s eyes. “Wherever you are, I want to be. I don’t care about my career if I can’t share it with you. I may have had to go to New York to discover that, but I did discover it. I just want another chance.”

“To be in a relationship with me?”

“Yes, to make our relationship work,” Kristen said as she wiped her tears and then held onto one of Bette’s hands loosely. Kristen hooked her index finger around Bette’s and slightly dangled their hands over her lap as her thumb caressed the back of Bette’s hand. Bette made no effort to pull her hand away, missing this type of contact between Kristen and herself.

“Have you moved on? I mean, I haven’t been gone long enough to totally unpack my boxes, so I can’t imagine you’ve mourned our relationship and moved past it already.”

The small level of guilt that Bette was working to push down suddenly welled up creating a lump in her throat that she found difficult to swallow. She had pushed Tina into keeping their newfound relationship a secret, not wanting to rock the foundation they were repairing, by allowing outside influences to sway them. Yet, as Kristen began to pour her heart out, doubts circled in Bette’s head that perhaps another reason she wanted to remain silent was a fear that she was moving too fast.

“Maybe I’m giving our relationship too much weight given the look on your face and the position I found you in, you’re obviously expecting someone aren’t you?”

Kristen tried to pull her hand away as Bette hung onto it tighter.

“Kristen,” Bette said softly. “Don’t do this.”

“Do what?” Kristen got up off the desk and wiped her fresh tears as they cascaded down her cheeks. She turned her back to Bette, wanting to preserve some dignity after she had swallowed her pride and crawled back to LA and Bette in an attempt to reconcile with the woman she loved with all her heart.

“Shut me out.”

“What am I supposed to do Bette?”

“Talk to me.”

“I thought I was trying to,” Kristen said as she half-heartedly laughed as a means to cover up her embarrassment at assuming that Bette hadn’t moved on. “I guess I thought I might still have a chance being that I haven’t been gone that long, but I should have known better, you’re Bette Porter.”

“Stop minimizing what we had Kristen.”

“Do you honestly think I’m minimizing us? I’ve crawled back here on my knees hoping that you’d find it in your heart to love me again.”

“I do love you Honey.”

“Just not enough to take me back?”

“It’s not that easy,” Bette said as she gently placed her hands on Kristen’s shoulders and turned her around to look in her eyes. When Kristen focused on the floor instead of Bette’s eyes, she used her finger under Kristen’s chin to tilt her head so that they could maintain eye contact.

“It can be, I’m here, and love you with everything I am,” Kristen pleaded.

“I never doubted that.”

“I wanted nothing more then to wake up with you every morning until the day I died Bette. I never lost sight of that.”

“But you think I did?” Bette asked defensively.

“I think that I’ve loved you more then you’ve loved me, but what I didn’t know is that to have you in my life, I could live with that. I’m OK to be the one that loves you more as long as I have that chance.”

“It’s not ok to not be loved by someone the way you should. Kristen, you are an amazing woman and deserve that without question.”

“Let me worry about that, my heart belongs to you Bette.”

Kristen stepped forward so her body was within Bette’s arms, begging to be held as she felt her heart breaking. Bette quickly held onto Kristen as she let tears cascade down her cheeks and onto Bette’s suit coat, dampening the material.

“Shhh,” Bette said in a soothing voice while she stroked Kristen’s back. Kristen slid her hands under Bette’s coat to get closer to the woman she loved. She allowed her hands to roam Bette’s back as she leaned her head on Bette’s shoulder and worked on slowing her tears.

“Do you still love me Bette?” Kristen asked as she leaned into Bette’s neck, unable to help herself and allowing her lips to gently graze Bette’s skin.

“I’ll always love you Kristen,” Bette said honestly. “But I can’t allow you to love someone, and be with them, when you deserve better then what they can offer.”

“Isn’t that my choice?”

“Not when that someone is me,” Bette said as she held her ex-lover closer.

The vibrating of Bette’s cell phone jolted the two women out of their intimate moment. Bette’s mind began to race, she knew it was Tina informing her that she had arrived and needed to be let her into the building given the time of night.

“Excuse me,” Bette said softly as she untangled herself from Kristen. Kristen, on the other hand, remained holding Bette’s hand just as casually as she had before. She wanted to have some physical contact as a means to gain comfort. Bette looked between Kristen’s eyes and their hands as she opened her cell phone after confirming it was Tina calling by looking at her name scrolling across the screen of her phone.

“Hey,” Bette said uncomfortably.

“Your wish is my command Baby. I’m here so all you have to do is let me in and experience the most mind blowing orgasm you’ve had in, well, a day or two,” Tina chuckled as she approached the main entrance looking for Bette to appear to let her in.

“I’ll be right there,” Bette shut her phone quickly causing Tina to hold her phone away from her ear to see if, indeed, the connection was lost. A look of confusion crossed Tina’s face as she stared at the phone. Bette had indeed cut their sexual playfulness short by hanging up on her.

“What the fuck?” Tina said as she shut her cell phone and threw it back in her purse. She waited by the door, slightly annoyed, until she saw Bette’s shadow on the floor as the gallery lighting cast her shadow with ease. She looked up and saw Bette standing before the door, working to unlock it, so that Tina could walk inside.

“Hey T,” Bette said in an exhausted voice.

“Hi,” Tina said cautiously.

Bette leaned in and gently brushed her lips against Tina’s, but pulled away as Tina attempted to deepen the kiss. It was as if the conversation they had earlier, which prompted Tina to leave her office and drive at record speeds to the gallery, had never happened.

“Baby, what’s going on?”

Bette’s eyes averted Tina’s as she quickly scanned the gallery around them as if searching for something. Tina grabbed both of Bette’s hands causing her to stop her perusal of their surroundings and stare into Tina’s eyes.

“Bette?”

“Um,” Bette was stalling for time.

“Babe?”

“I just,” Bette wasn’t able to complete a sentence while staring into Tina’s eyes knowing what just happened between her and Kristen.

“Baby I drove all the way over here to see you. Obviously something happened to change your mood from earlier. But, I’m still here, so please talk to me about it so I can understand.”

“Ugh,” Bette sighed in exasperation at the turn of tonight’s events. She dropped Tina’s hands and put her own over her face and leaned forward toward the floor in an effort to gain control over her thoughts and the conversation she was now about to begin.

“Bette,” Tina put her hand on Bette’s back and rubbed lightly to try to relax her lover.

“Kristen’s here,” Bette said as she stood back up and looked Tina in the eye.

“New York Kristen? As in your ex Kristen?” Tina’s eyebrow was raised in question as well as in challenge.

“That one, yes.”

“Why?”

Bette took a deep breath in and let it out slowly as she closed her eyes and let her head fall back so she was looking up at the ceiling.

“Where is she?”

“My office,” Bette said sadly.

“Why is she here Babe?”

“She’s coming back from New York.”

“She just went there, she can’t even be unpacked yet!”

“Tina,” Bette scolded as Tina raised her voice. Bette’s eyes darted to the hallway that led to her office to ensure that Kristen had not heard Tina’s voice and came out to investigate.

“She wants you back doesn’t she?”

Tina’s question was answered in silence, which told her what she needed to know.

“So she wants to pick back up like nothing ever happened?”

“I didn’t say that,” Bette pointed out.

“In not answering a question, you still provide an answer.”

“Tina just stop for a second,” Bette said as she worked to reign in Tina’s anger. “I know you’re mad right now…”

“I’m actually not Bette. Sure I’m shocked, but I’m not mad. There’s nothing to be mad at really. Regardless of what she wants, you and I are together and I’ve learned to gain security through that.”

Bette just stood staring at Tina with a look of dread on her face.

“What?”

“Tina,” Bette said in a calm voice knowing that Tina wasn’t going to be happy with the turn of events with Kristen arriving.

“Bette,” Tina said back to her in a mocking tone. “Why are you so on edge?”

“Because she’s in a delicate state right now….”

“And you don’t want me to throw her right over the edge basically?” Tina said interrupting Bette’s mid-sentence.

“Tina,” Bette said as Tina walked past her and down the hallway that led to her office at a fast pace. “Will you wait?”

“I won’t throw her over the edge Bette, but I do want to know what she expects to get from you coming back.”

“Can you please just let me handle this?”

“Why?” Tina stopped mid-stride almost causing Bette to run into her as she practically ran to catch up to her before she made it to her office.

“Because I can.”

“I never said you couldn’t.”

“No you didn’t but you’re acting like it.”

Tina bit her bottom lip as she contemplated Bette’s demeanor wondering what had transpired between the two former lovers. Tina struggled in an internal battle that quickly escalated into an all out war inside her head.

On one hand, Tina wanted to know exactly what had occurred in the intimacy of Bette’s office. Yet, on the other hand, she knew that it would serve no purpose other then to upset her if she received confirmation of the conversation she imagined the ex-lovers to have had given Bette’s current state of mind.

“I’m not trying to act like I don’t think you can handle it Bette,” Tina said quietly as they were closer to Bette’s office at the end of the hallway. “But if you expect me to turn around and not share in some time with you after I’ve driven all the way over here, that’s a lot to ask.”

“Time with me?”

“Yes, time with you.”

“Look,” Bette said as she grabbed Tina’s hands and wrapped them around her waist while she let her hands begin to explore Tina’s back. “Let me take care of this situation and talk with her. After that’s done, I’ll swing by the house and we can spend some time together then.”

Tina stared into Bette’s eyes with a look if disappointment reflecting in her own.

“Do you have any idea how worked up you got me?”

Bette’s answer was merely a smile as she brushed her lips against Tina’s lightly and then pulled back to look into her eyes once again.

“You know we won’t have any privacy with our daughter home don’t you?”

“We can finish our ever-popular game of twenty questions if her homework is done,” Bette said smiling at Tina.

The panic began to rise in Tina as she looked away to hide the reaction she was sure would be easily read in her eyes. She did not want to talk to Angelica about Henry, the conversation between Helena and herself began replaying in her mind. Helena’s words echoed in her ears as she heard her say over and over there was no purpose in telling Angelica the sins of the past, she wouldn’t understand as she had proven given her reaction to Candace.

“Ok,” Tina said forcing a smile on her face. “You win. You handle things here and I’ll meet you back home.”

“I’ll be there as quick as I can.”

“It shouldn’t take too long to tell her we’re back together and she should resume her original plan of moving to New York for her amazing career opportunity.”

“I don’t want to be harsh.”

“Bette,” Tina said slightly angered. “Some things just end and there’s nothing to feel sorry about. She left you, which is something I think you’re forgetting.”

“No I’m not, but there’s no reason to hurt her more by rubbing another relationship in her face.”

“You’re not rubbing it in her face, she knew how we felt about one another, which is the primary reason she left.”

“Ok,” Bette conceded. “Give me an hour and I’ll meet you at your house.”

Bette quickly ended the conversation and walked Tina out to her car. She turned around and made sure that Tina had started her vehicle and was pulling out of the lot before she went back inside and locked the door, setting the alarm once again to the gallery.

She marveled at how quiet the gallery was, the only noise coming from her heels as they hit the tiled floor on her way back to Kristen and the dreaded conversation she knew she’d be having.

She slid the office door open, noticing that Kristen was not standing where she had left her a few moments before. Her eyes scanned the office quickly when her eye caught a slender leg moving to turn her office chair around.

Kristen turned the chair around to meet Bette’s gaze. Tears were running down both her cheeks as she visibly struggled to gain her composure. It was obvious she had overheard the conversation between Tina and Bette even though they were trying to be quiet.

“Why didn’t you just tell me you had moved on?” Kristen said in a shaky voice, obviously hurt that Bette had taken almost no time in rebounding with her ex-wife.

“Kristen,” Bette started as she walked forward seeing the light bounce off the fresh tears sliding down Kristen’s face.

“It would have saved me a lot of humiliation.”

“Will you please just listen?” Bette pleaded as she knelt before a woman that she had loved very much. Seeing the pain that she had just caused her in having a conversation with Tina too close to her office door broke Bette’s heart.

“I’m going to go while I still have a shred of dignity left.”

Kristen quickly got up avoiding all eye contact with Bette as she searched for her purse to get her keys. The walls seemed to be closing in quickly, she was desperately trying to hold her remaining tears in until she was out of view of Bette and the gallery. She was quickly losing that battle.

“I don’t want you to go,” Bette said as she grabbed Kristen’s arm to still her.

Kristen turned around, searching Bette’s eyes, looking for anything that could offer her a sign of hope that she wasn’t wrong in coming back to fight for the woman she loved.

“Please stay,” Bette said in a soft, loving tone as she led them to the sofa in the corner and pulled Kristen down to sit next to her.