Chapter 24

Kristen wiped her tears away as she reclined in the couch waiting for Bette to begin the conversation that took on a new level of seriousness. She crossed her slender legs in front of her, leaning against the arm of the couch, waiting for what she knew to be the inevitable.

“Remind me why I’m still here?”

“Because I wanted to talk to you and I asked nicely,” Bette said.

“Oh, I must have missed the yanking of my arm as a request,” Kristen smiled slightly.

“You know me better then that by now. I think there’s a lot that we need to clear up between us.”

“If I eavesdropped effectively I’m not sure what more there is to say.”

“Can’t you just humor me?” Bette asked.

“You’re going to do what I asked aren’t you?” Kristen said as she looked straight ahead.

“What’s that?”

“Not break my heart slow.”

Bette sighed as she focused on Kristen’s face while Kristen remained looking straight ahead.

“Want me to make it easy on you?”

“That would be helpful,” Bette said smiling to illustrate she was teasing her.

“I have always had to carry you haven’t I Porter?” Kristen’s question was met by a chuckle from Bette. “I think the words you’re looking for sound very similar to ‘Kristen although you love me with everything you are, I moved on’ to which I will smile and pretend it doesn’t hurt like hell.”

“You don’t have to pretend anything that you don’t feel.”

“Isn’t it easier that way?”

“It isn’t easier. I was there once upon a time remember?” Bette locked eyes with Kristen and smiled kindly in her direction. “I’m sorry that you came back here for something I can’t give you.”

“Are you happy with Tina?”

“Amazingly,” Bette said without hesitation.

“Then don’t you dare apologize for finding a love that touches you so deeply. It’s incredible to feel that isn’t it?”

Bette’s answer was a nod of her head.

“I don’t blame you that I took a risk in coming back here Bette and it didn’t work out,” Kristen said trying to smile through her tears.

“Doesn’t make me feel any better about it.”

“The love you have with Tina that’s touched you so deeply is like the love I have for you. Don’t ever feel badly about giving me what you could even if it were for a shorter time then I would have liked.”

Kristen saw the far off look in Bette’s eyes, the one that typically appeared when there was more to say as she worked to avoid the emotions at all cost.

“I know that look in your eye,” Kristen said as she put her hand on Bette’s thigh in comfort and friendship.

“I don’t have a look.”

“Your eyes are always a dead giveaway to your emotions Bette.”

“Curse the Porter eyes then,” Bette said smiling.

“Spill it.”

“I’d rather not.”

“Why?” Kristen pushed.

“Because it isn’t the type of conversation you have with an ex that came across the United States to be with you and you’ve let them down.”

“I’m a big girl,” Kristen said squeezing Bette’s thigh in comfort. “I’d like to think that, if nothing else, we have an wonderful friendship.”

“We do,” Bette said smiling at Kristen.

“Then let me be your friend and maybe I can help what’s bothering you.”

“You mean aside the extreme level of guilt I have that you’re sitting here having given up an amazing opportunity for me that I can’t reciprocate?”

“That was my choice Bette. I’ve always been a bit of a romantic and thought the gesture might win you back. What I don’t want is for you to feel guilty, but I can tell there’s still more. I won’t push you but I am here for you as your friend.”

“I’m afraid,” Bette admitted in a voice just above a whisper.

Kristen looked at her ex-lover with kind eyes, smiling at her, waiting for her to continue.

“Before you left me you made me realize that I was lying to myself and everyone else about my feelings for Tina, but I’ve spent so many years doing that it just felt natural not to act on them.”

“Boy I was smarter then I thought,” Kristen said half laughing. “What a thing to be right about huh?”

“I’m sorry,” Bette said feeling the guilt rise again at her need to hurt Kristen to stay true to Tina. “Oh and incidentally, you dated me for a while so you are very smart,” Bette said smiling at Kristen and taking a deep breath to calm her thoughts. “You knew how I was feeling before I could even recognize it enough to deal with it. It was just second nature to hide behind other relationships instead of outright dealing with my feelings and risk the hurt all over again.”

“It’s not hard to see the love you and Tina have for one another. I think that’s a huge part of why people that love you want you together, they see that in your heart the other one lives.”

“I’ve been avoiding it like the plague.”

“Why avoid what you so desperately want?”

“What if I hurt her?”

“You won’t,” Kristen said quickly to provide assurance.

“You know this because I did such a good job not hurting you?”

“I’m a big girl and knew what I was getting into when I started dating you. Sadly you’re very transparent, it’s almost like you come with an operator’s manual.”

Bette laughed as she elbowed Kristen in the sides. She was happy to finally be able to sit with her and talk about her feelings without the pressure of hiding her true ones.

“I’m not that bad.”

“Chapter one is entitled ‘How to Fake a Love of Art’ and I read that one twice.”

“You’re bad,” Bette said laughing at Kristen’s joke.

“Chapter two was very interesting because it explained how you can woo the masses with your sophistication and yet whip out a ‘fuck you’ better then anyone I know.”

“Ugh kill me now,” Bette smiled as she dramatically held her hand over her heart.

“Bette,” Kristen’s tone suddenly turned serious. “You’ll always let the past control you if you live the future in fear of it.”

“I try not to live with it, but the fear of who I am sneaks in when I least expect it.”

“You’re not the same person that slept with Candace.”

“I am that person Kristen, as well as the person that slept with some woman I can’t even name in New York when I was preaching from the highest mountain that I wanted Tina back. I sadly am the same person that had an extreme amount of hatred for Helena Peabody instead of just accepting my responsibility in losing my job. And for the ultimate past sin, I am the person that stole Angelica in the middle of the night at Shane’s wedding without one single regard for Tina’s feelings about it.”

“Bette, from what I know, she scared you and you reacted. I won’t say it was right because it wasn’t, but we do things in fear that don’t make sense when that fear goes away. You came back, even if it took a lot of persuasion, you still came back and look how far you and Tina have come in being positive, loving parents to her.”

“Even if I made that one right, I can’t take away Candace nor can I take away the twink I met in New York.”

“A night of sex doesn’t condemn you for life Bette.”

“The point is that I did it when I claimed to have been working so hard to get Tina back.”

“And if memory serves me right she was snuggled up to Helena Peabody not thinking about the impact that had on you. You both are responsible for the demise of your relationship.”

“I stole Angelica from her,” Bette said closing her eyes and shaking her head disgusted at her actions in the past.

“She went back to men,” Kristen said looking at Bette torturing herself.

“She did didn’t she?” Bette said opening one eye to look in Kristen’s direction.

“Checkmate,” Kristen said laughing. “Look, a lot of people know the real you Bette and love you all the same. I don’t think I’m risking much going out on a limb to tell you that I think Tina is at the top of that list.”

“Maybe she’s a glutton for punishment?”

“Your daughter idolizes you, that has to say something.”

“Oh,” Bette said sarcastically laughing. “You’ve missed the multiple rounds of arguments and disappointment etched in her face over this very topic as of late.”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re still trying to work on helping Angelica through her rough patches in school.”

“Meaning the despicable little moron that teased her about being the product of a bi-racial, lesbian relationship?”

“Yes that would be the rough patch.”

“So how are you trying to help her?” Kristen asked.

“We wanted her to understand why we made some choices we did. I guess for once we decided that complete honesty would be the best policy so we sat her down and told her about her donor and the process we went through to have her.”

“That’s not a bad discussion necessarily.”

“Well in that discussion came the obvious Angelica obsession with why we weren’t together during the pregnancy while Tina dated Helena.”

“Did you answer that?”

“Sadly, I answered her by telling her I had made a mistake and cheated with Candace. I explained my feelings at the time and why I felt that I had nowhere to find comfort.”

“So she knows that Tina had a miscarriage?”

“Yes.”

“She knows that you cheated with Candace and that Tina in turn dated Helena?”

“Yes she knows that too.”

“Her reaction?”

“I’m in a deep freeze with Ms. Angelica at the current moment.”

“I thought you might be,” Kristen said squeezing Bette’s thigh in a small gesture of comfort. “What were you trying to accomplish by this complete honesty thing?”

“Giving her enough knowledge to understand how far we’ve come and for her to stop asking everyone else questions to dig up additional information. We wanted to make sure there was nothing else she could dig up through conversations with others. Every single time she talks to someone this topic of conversation comes up and I just got tired of her hearing versions that have interpretation built into them.”

“I can understand that.”

“If we went to her and claimed to have told her the truth and she found additional information out after that, it’d negate our word and the information we did tell her.”

“I can understand that as well,” Kristen said to provide Bette reassurance on her decision to confess the happenings of the past. “I do have one question though if I may?”

“Always,” Bette said looking in Kristen’s direction to give her a focused audience.

“If you’re back together with Tina, and that’s what she ultimately wants, why not just tell her that and forego the lashings from your daughter?”

“Did you lose the fact that I said I was afraid?”

“No I got that part, just not the correlation to opening your soul for Angelica’s amusement.”

“Because the one thing I don’t want to do is get her hopes up that we’re together only to fuck it up again and not only crush Tina and I, but destroy Angelica in the process.”

“You’ve dated before.”

“Yes but they were people she didn’t like, no offense of course.”

“None taken,” Kristen said rolling her eyes.

“Kristen I barely survived when I lost Tina, my entire life spun out of control. If something happens this time, it’s not a relief to Angelica that the relationship is over because it is the one relationship that would be acceptable to her, her mothers back together.”

“And you fear that you’ll mess it up and take her on the spiral down if you break up?”

“Yes, exactly.”

“If you truly spin out of control when losing Tina, won’t she go on that journey with you anyway being that you’re a huge part of her life? I mean, when you broke up the first time, I got the impression from people that your group of friends even spiraled somewhat and ended up dividing and taking sides.”

“That did happen, but they weren’t my responsibility, Angie is.”

“The bottom line is that you’re together Bette, you and Tina are making this more complicated then it needs to be. Why not sit Angelica down and use your energy toward explaining that you’re working on being together, there are no guarantees in life, but you’re willing to try to the best of your ability to realize the love you have?”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“It is easy Honey,” Kristen said as she grabbed Bette’s hand and squeezed it, once again, in support. “You both are making this harder then it needs to be, even for Angelica. That little girl idolizes you Bette, I saw it every single time she looked at you, the level of respect and how proud she was that you are her mom. Taking yourself down a few pegs in her eyes isn’t helping Angelica and it isn’t helping you either.”

“Well it’s already out there, I can’t take it back.’

“What else does she know?”

“A lot,” Bette said sadly. “We made it as far as Tina and I being back together and me being passionately unemployed when Tina left me.”

“She knows about Henry?”

“Not yet, we didn’t get that far because the conversation was interrupted at that very point by Kit.”

“That’s a blessing in disguise there.”

“How so?” Bette asked.

“I’d avoid that at all cost. It’s confusing enough for an adult to understand Tina’s behavior to go back to men and frankly, I’m not sure Tina understands it even to this day. Try explaining that to a child that probably already has a small amount of confusion around sexuality being the product of a lesbian relationship.”

“It’s too late Kristen, she knows there was a reason we weren’t together and it was Tina’s decision. She won’t let that go, not Angelica.”

“Bette, in the time that we were dating, I grew to love your daughter as my own. That’s why going to New York was also so hard, I actually missed her although I am sure she threw a tickertape parade sending me out of town.”

“No, she actually wanted to call you to say goodbye but we hadn’t gotten to it yet,” Bette said.

“Aw, that’s a nice surprise but don’t sidetrack my train of thought. What I was saying is that in getting to know her and love her, I think I began to understand her a bit better. Telling her about Henry is not a good idea, not only will she feel that every woman that comes into your life or Tina’s is a threat, now you open the playing field to men as well.”

“You think Tina will go back to men?” Bette sounded scared at the thought.

“No,” Kristen reassured her. “Angelica might though because all she’s ever known is either of you in a lesbian relationship. She doesn’t know many men Bette, not in a position in her life to exert authority over her other then Angus and frankly, we all know Kit runs that relationship.”

“So you think that she’ll be confused even more about sexuality and be afraid at the potentiality of the playing field being opened up?”

“Yes I do,” Kristen said.

“I guess she’s more like me then I thought.”

Bette’s admission was met with silence for a minute until Kristen spoke to break the uncomfortable silence dwelling between them.

“Go talk to Tina, she’s the only one that can help you decide whether to tell her about Henry or not. It really is her story to tell as well so she’s bound to have an opinion on what she wants to do.”

“Yeah I suppose you’re right,” Bette said standing up and stretching. “What are you going to do?”

“I’ll likely go to a bar and drink myself silly to numb the pain and then regret that when I wake up with a major hangover.”

“I’m not worth that Kristen.”

“Let me be the judge of that.”

“You can come with me to Tina’s to talk?” Bette said smiling knowing how ridiculous the offer was.

“I’ll take the lesser of the two evils and wrestle with a glass or two of wine.”

“Call me tomorrow and let me know you’re ok?”

“I will,” Kristen said kissing Bette and holding her tight. “You’ll be fine in whatever you decide about Angelica because it’s a decision you make out of love.”

“I really want you to be happy Kristen,” Bette said as she returned the hug with an enormous amount of feeling.

“I’m not going anywhere so no need for ‘goodbye’ speeches. I want your friendship if nothing else.”

“That you have!” Bette said as she pulled away and looked Kristen in the eye to solidify her conviction to their friendship.




Kit looked up from her novel as Tina opened the front door and threw her keys down on the table that sat beside the entranceway into the house. The entire drive home Tina was on edge thinking of the conversation between Bette and Kristen that was taking place at the gallery. The bigger part of her trusted Bette to accurately convey the current status of their relationship, yet there was that small nagging part that wanted to be there to drive that point home. Kristen wasn’t like the other women that Bette dated, Tina actually liked Kristen and thought they were a good match. That created insecurity in Tina that she didn’t think could be quenched with anything other then time in a relationship with Bette.

“Hey Baby Girl,” Kit greeted her with a smile.

“Hey Kit. How was she?”

“An angel as always.”

“Right,” Tina said as she smiled and rolled her eyes. “Did she do her homework?”

“She was working on it in her room last time I checked.”

“She’s working in her room instead of out here with you?”

“She seemed to want to be alone so I didn’t push.”

“She’s still mad then I take it?”

“I suppose but I have no idea why and she isn’t talking so, once again, I didn’t push.”

“She’s mad because she’s realizing Bette and I aren’t perfect,” Tina said as she fell back into the couch next to Kit.

“How so?”

“We took on the ultimate game of 20 questions regarding our relationship so she would stop asking other sources and getting the wrong impression of what happened.”

“And?”

“Now she knows about Candace.”

“Ouch,” Kit said closing her book and throwing it onto the coffee table while she squirmed to get comfortable on Tina’s couch. “I bet my baby sister loved reliving that.”

“It wasn’t easy.”

“So basically what you’re telling me is that now Angelica feels the need to punish Bette for a mistake that happened years ago even though Bette seems to do a fine job of doing that herself?”

“Basically yes that’s what I’m telling you.”

“Well good luck with that one,” Kit said as she got up and grabbed her book getting ready to leave to drive home.

“That’s it?”

“That’s it,” Kit said with a smile.

“No advice?”

“No advice.”

“Why?” Tina said in shock.

“Because I’m the Aunt that knows enough to let Bette, as well as you for that matter, stumble and find your own way through parenthood.”

“But we need experienced and helpful advice!”

“It’s a little too late for that, you already let the cat out of the bag that Bette cheated. Anything, in my opinion, that takes away from the ‘hero’ vision kids have of their parents at a young age is not a good thing. When she’s older maybe you should have told her, but right now she’s too young. Unfortunately, you’ve started walking down a road and can’t turn back without some severe backtracking.”

“That’s your advice? Backtracking?”

“No, my advice is to tell you that I don’t always know everything so I’m staying out of it,” Kit said as she bent over and kissed Tina’s cheek. “Good luck and let me know how it goes.”



Alice scanned the club looking for a table to sit and begin her perusal of the crowd for any interesting women that were new to the club scene.

“This is depressing Dane.”

“You say that every time we come to a club so why do we go?”

“We’re looking for Helena,” Alice said smiling at Helena who was walking beside her.

“I don’t need help in that department Alice.”

“I know,” Alice said in a mocking tone. “We’ll just say it’s to humor me.”

“Why is it that the club scene never changes?” Dana asked. “It’s like nobody seems to even notice each other anymore.”

“We just need to warm up to it,” Alice said trying to comfort Dana. “There’s Shane dancing, she seems to get noticed.”

“Some things never change,” Dana muttered.

“Hello,” Alice said in a seductive voice as she looked at the bar in the far side of the club. “Hot babe at 9:00 Peabody.”

“Ugh,” Helena rolled her eyes and looked in the direction of Alice’s eyes. She spotted a woman in a business suit, slender, longer hair, sipping a martini.

“What do you think?”

“I think she looks like my clone,” Helena said discouraged.

“If you don’t open yourself to possibilities Helena you’ll never get laid again.”

“At this rate I’m ok with that.”

“That’s depressing,” Alice said shoving her friend playfully. “I’m going to go scope it out for you and report back. Come get me if I’m not back in 10.”

“Will do,” Dana said obviously not paying attention to a word Alice said as she walked off to the bar.

Alice maneuvered her way past dancing couples, a fight that seemed to have erupted over a misunderstanding coupled with a spilled drink, and the bouncers that were naïve enough to think they could successfully break up a lesbian fight without major damage being done to either of them.

She stood behind the woman and smiled, wondering if she should approach her on behalf of Helena or herself. If Helena wasn’t interested, Alice felt she deserved at least one night of enjoyment if a relationship didn’t emerge out of the encounter.

“Can I buy you a drink?” Alice placed her hand on the woman’s shoulder to gain her attention.

“Thanks, but I have one already,” the woman smiled at Alice kindly. “Feel free to have a seat though.”

Alice smiled at the invitation and willingly sat down on the stool next to the attractive woman.

“I’m Alice.”

“Janie.”

“It’s very nice to meet you Janie,” Alice extended her hand and her best smile. Janie shook Alice’s hand and continued to sip her martini looking at Alice’s reflection in the mirror behind the bar.

“So what do you do for a living?”

“I’m in Sales,” Janie said smiling.

“Bet ya meet a lot of interesting people,” Alice said struggling already to continue the conversation with Janie’s simplistic answers. “I’m a reporter, I work for LA Magazine.”

“Any pieces I would know?”

“If you read LA Magazine then you’d be familiar with the infamous Top 10 lists.”

“Those are yours?”

“Yes those are mine and I run a radio program called ‘The Chart’ on a local station.”

“It sounds intriguing,” Janie said smiling. “If you’ll excuse me I see the person I’m waiting for.”

Alice watched in the mirror as Janie got up and turned around to greet what Alice assumed was her girlfriend given the kiss that occurred between the two. Alice shrugged her shoulders and ordered a shot not wanting to waste the trip she had made across the dance floor to get to the bar.

“That was impressive,” Kristen said sipping her glass of wine.

“Hardly,” Alice said smiling at her. “That was what I call a ‘crash and burn’ and I have sadly mastered that. How are you?”

“I’ve been better,” Kristen said without elaborating. “Can I buy you a drink?”

“Why not right?”

Alice ordered from the bartender and moved down to the stool next to Kristen. She faced forward, once again, using the reflection of the mirrors to facilitate the conversation.

“Is Bette here with you?”

“No,” Kristen said taking an even bigger sip of her wine.

“Do you frequent bars often by yourself?”

“Hardly, I haven’t been in a bar in years.”

“The scene has changed since then hasn’t it?” Alice took a sip of her diet coke and Malibu rum savoring the taste.

“It’s changed a lot.”

“So,” Alice said as she struggled to make conversation. “Wanna tell me why Bette isn’t with you?”

“No, but does that matter?”

“Of course it matters but it isn’t in me to give up a story that easily.”

“We aren’t together anymore,” Kristen said finishing her glass of wine and ordering another one.

“Oh,” Alice put her hand on Kristen’s shoulder in comfort. “I’m sorry, I thought you were good together.”

“You did?” Kristen smiled at Alice knowing that given her choice, she would also want Bette to be with Tina instead of anyone else.

“Actually I did and I can tell that it’s coming as a shock to you.”

Silence fell over the conversation between Alice and Kristen causing Alice to panic running through her most recent top 10 list of ‘conversation starters’ to fill the silence.

“So when an uncomfortable silence falls over the crowd LA Magazine recommends finding something we have in common.”

“Bette,” Kristen said. “We both dated Bette.”

Kristen ordered two shots and instructed the bartender to put the cost of them on her tab.

“To being the Ex,” Kristen raised her glass and clinked it against Alice’s.

“You know you eventually get over it don’t you?”

“How long did it take you?”

“Well I had no choice really,” Alice ordered two more shots and paid for them rather then putting them on Kristen’s tab. “We broke up right on the cusp of her meeting Tina so there was literally no way she even looked back. We’re great friend though if that helps.”

“One day it might help.”

“You want to talk about it?”

“I left to go to New York.”

“So you broke up with her?” Alice asked confused.

“Did I ever really have a chance Al?”

Kristen ordered two more shots for herself and her newfound friend. She once again clinked Alice’s glass with her own and both women threw their shots back. Alice laughed as a small amount of liquid slipped out of her mouth and down her chin.

“Ugh nothing is worse then a lesbian that can’t hold her alcohol,” Alice said laughing.

“I have a confession to make,” Kristen said laughing. “I’m already feeling this.”

“Is it helping?”

“It’s nice to laugh, it’s been a while.”

“Why did you go to New York if you wanted to be with Bette knowing she had to stay here?”

“Because I knew what everyone knows, whoever Bette is with will always take second place to Tina.”

“Oh I don’t know if that’s true,” Alice lied in an effort to make Kristen feel better.

“I know you’re lying.”

“I consider it more trying to make you feel better.”

“I appreciate the effort. Want one more?” Kristen asked as she waived the bartender over.

“I’m not sure I should, I’m feeling this as well.”

“You can share a cab with me.”

“Ok then,” Alice said as the shot was thrust in her hand. “To sharing a cab.”

Both women threw the shots back and grimaced at the burning sensation that coated their insides.

“Oh that burns,” Kristen said ordering two beers to use as chasers.

“I think it’s supposed to, it’s like the strength of gasoline.”

Kristen threw her head back and laughed feeling this was the best conversation she had yet with Alice over the years.

“So beside being the ex’s of a wonderful woman, I feel like I don’t know you well although I should. So, what else do we have in common?”

“Ah,” Kristen said feeling the room beginning to spin. “We both were left in the dust for Tina.”

“That won’t happen, Bette and Tina are in a good place now and won’t do anything to rock that boat if it makes you feel any better.”

“What if I told you that was exactly what happened, the boat is being rocked as we speak.”