Part 15

The escape

A few days later I called Marina. It was a wonderful day, the sun affectionately warmed my face as I was on my way home and I thought that this evening was perfect in order to take a little walk in ‚The Lake People Park’. Marina seemed to be glad to hear my voice. I could hear the easement in her voice, when she assured without thinking. „No, no, no, I have time. Tonight is great. Let’s say about five at the south entrance?” That came so fast and unmistakably that I, if I had even wanted it couldn’t have said „no“ any more.

Maybe it’s also understandable, because I had never been reliable in former times. I constantly allowed that vocational appointments came in between my dates with friends and they were of course always so much more important than everything else. ‘Jesus, how very much you must have suffered from that, Tina. For just how damn important and significant you thought of yourself, Bette Porter, as if the world only turned around you and your fucking job. And I turned and turned, always further and further, faster and faster until everything in front of my eyes began to blur. It was completely logical that I had lost more and more reality, had everything around me forgotten. How small and tiny you are, Bette Porter, how naïve to believe that all others would also see you so in the center. I really messed it up, not only with you, but I also hurt my friends, and even Marina probably had the feeling today that, if she did not confirm pretty fast, I would have backed away again.

Directly next to the south entrance of the park stood a small bench. I sat down on it and watched the playing children on the lawn. We had wanted a child ourselves too. We both wanted to have a family and children were inevitably necessary for us. You were ready to quit your job in order to dedicate yourself completely to the family, and the child in our home. Everything was like a matter of course for me. And I never asked you, how you would actually be with that, whether you would be really fulfilled and lucky as mother and housewife. But still more badly is that I never wasted any thought on how it would be, if I were the mother and housewife and you would have continued your job. No, it was never a question for Bette Porter all the time.