It is common knowledge that certain things can trigger memories and emotions.  A sight, smell or felling.  I find that feelings trigger the most emotions the most.  Happiness, pain, discomfort.  I find discomfort to produce most of my memories.  Maybe that’s because I spend the majority of my time uncomfortable.  This crawl space is tiny, dusty and just plain filthy.  It doesn’t bother me much though.  I’m just used to it by now.  You can’t do what I do comfortably.  Its God’s way of evening the playing field I feel.  I wish this guy would hurry up.  I’m sweating so much its running in my eyes now.  The salt is making them burn.  I look through the dirty grate and see the same wall I’ve been staring at for over 3 hours now.  It’s clear he’s not home or maybe sleeping.  But the phone has gone unanswered so I assume he’s simply not here.   I feel as if I’m going to black out.  I think back to the last time I felt this discomfort…

10 years ago.  Arizona

Finally a day off.  It was beautiful out.  If you could call 100 degrees in the heat beautiful.  But the sun was out and the birds were chirping.  It was the first I’d seen of either in months so to me it was beautiful.  I sat outside at the deli in the small town.  I myself wasn’t what you could call an Arizona native but my family had moved here after I left for college so I often frequented this small town.  I really loved this deli.  Something about it was so simple.  I came here so often the owner, Harry, had come to know me by name and face.  Whenever I had time off work I would come to my parent’s house and head directly to the deli.  Working in that fluorescent light, recycled air filled office gave me an appreciation for the open air.  So here I sit at a small table with an umbrella doing a horrible job at blocking the sun.  I was enjoying a ham and cheese sandwich that sounded simple enough but far surpassed anything I could have gotten in L.A.  As I take a sip of my Snapple she strode by, her blonde hair glistening in the sunshine.  She gracefully glided right past me as she smiled warmly towards the door.  I dunno if it was the sun to her back or her aura I saw but something around her shinned bright orange.  Just as quickly as she had appeared she disappeared into the store.  For the 10 minutes she was in that deli is how I feel right now.  Hot and uncomfortable.  I had a decision to make.  Sit and let this blonde beauty walk out of life forever or take a chance and talk to her.  I sat frozen on what to do for what seems like an eternity.  The hands on my watche seemed to be on sleeping pills as they crept by.  After the small eternity she emerged once again from the deli.  She once more smiled at me as she strode past me.  Her long lean legs stretching out in front of her.  I was so taken by them that I had even noticed I had spoken.

Bette:  “Excuse me.”

To my surprise she stopped turned and smiled at me once more as she pushed her long locks out of her face.  I had no choice but to rise and speak to her.

Bette:  “Hi”

I’m ripped from my memory as I hear the front door open.  I hear the heavy footsteps of this bastard in the front of the crappy little apartment.  I already know how this is going to go.  As soon as I know I have enough time to emerge from my hiding place without being seen I’ll come out, more then likely break his neck and be gone.  I like it better that way.  No evidence.  Guns are too loud, knives too messy.  The others use weapons.  I don’t.  No one ever suspects me.  I’m like a ghost.  In and out.  No fingerprints, weapons, or evidence.  Now is no different.  I hear the bathroom fan click on.  Perfect.  I slide out this filthy crawl space finally.  I take the time to stretch a bit then stand right next to the bathroom door.  He soon comes out and never had any idea of what hit him.  Snap.  He’s gone.  I close the vent.  Brush away the paint chippings from the grate and I’m gone.  One last disgusting pig on the earth.  At least that’s what I tell myself to get through each night.