(Somewhere in a familiar place and time among familiar faces, sights and sounds…)

SHANE- “What is love, anyway?”

ALICE- “Don’t be pedantic.”

SHANE- “Pedantic?”

ALICE- “You sound like Mona and her little tirade the other day.”

SHANE- “You know that was rough.”

ALICE- “Yeah well…I think she got what was coming.”

SHANE- “Because she stood her ground?”

ALICE- “Because she didn’t.”

SHANE- “What? Of course she did.”

ALICE- “What are you talking about? At the first sign of trouble she skedaddled.”

SHANE- “She was being true to herself and to Belinda.”

ALICE- “She broke her heart is what she did.”

SHANE- “I don’t think she was in love with her, I think…”

ALICE- “Hey! You’re the one saying love ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

SHANE- “No, no, no…I’m saying some people like to throw that word around like a favourite catch phrase or an expression of some superficial…” (Alice moans…) “whatever…you’re not listening to what I’m saying.”

ALICE- “I’m listening…I just think you got it all wrong.”

KIT- “Who got what wrong?”

(They both say hi to Kit.)

ALICE- “Shane here…she just doesn’t get it.”

SHANE- “It’s too early in the morning to be reasoning with you Alice. Kit, good to see you. I gotta go, late for an appointment.”

ALICE- “Dakota waiting for you?”

KIT- “Dakota? I thought she was gone…”

SHANE- (To Alice…) “None of your business.” (To Kit…) “She’s hanging in there Kit.”

KIT- “Good for you.”

ALICE- “Poor thing doesn’t know what hit her.”

SHANE- “Goodbye Al!”

ALICE- “Later.” (Shane leaves.)

KIT- “Why do you keep hassling that poor girl?”

ALICE- “Hassling? Me? Hassling? Don Juan doing her rounds and I’m hassling? I tell ya Kit…she’s really gotta take stock ’cause she’s given up on true love and thinks she’s happy.”

KIT- “Okay Miss Alice, I think you need to fix the antennae. Shane ain’t never given up on love. She may be a little afraid of the real thing and what not, but she knows when it’s real. She knows what she’s looking for.”

ALICE- “Oh yeah, except when it stands in front of her and smacks her in the face, then she just runs.”

KIT- “Oh now let’s not dwell on that past history. I think she’s grown since then.”

ALICE- “Whatever…you shoulda seen her take on the Mona and Belinda thing.”

KIT- “I don’t know Alice, I kind of think Shane is right.”

ALICE- “Oh come on Kit….”

KIT- “Wait…I don’t want to get into it. Besides…what’s up with this ‘Dakota’? She seems to be sticking around.”

ALICE- “Poor thing…she’s fallen hard.”

KIT- “True love?”

ALICE- “I dunno, but if it is, it’s not like Shane would notice or…”

KIT- “Yeah, I know…if she notices she’ll run…”

ALICE- “Now you’re learing…”

KIT- “No, I’m just repeating your tedious refrain.”

ALICE- “Fine, mock me…what do I care.”

KIT- “How about another coffee, Miss Lovemaster…”

ALICE- “You heard?!!!”

KIT- “Honey, everybody heard.”

ALICE- (Putting her hands to her face as she shakes her head…) “Gawd.”

KIT- “One latte coming right up!” (Kit starts chuckling as she rises as Alice strains herself in embarrassment…) “It’s ok Alice, I think most of us were too drunk anyway…”

BETTE- “Well, if it isn’t the Lovmaster!” (Alice head drops to her hands on the table as Kit chuckles some more…)

KIT- “Hey there…coffee?”

BETTE- “Yes ma’am.” (Bette sits next to Alice and consoles her with an arm around her…) “It’s ok Al, it’s not like everyone heard.”

ALICE- (Lifting her head in some hopefulness…) “Really? Just you and Kit?”

BETTE- “No, more like everyone except for Shane…and that’s only because she came late.” (Alice moans as she drops her head back down and Bette laughs.) “It’s ok Al, it’s nice to see you’ve got someone special. Look at it as a positive.”

ALICE- (Bette can hear her muffled voice…) “She keeps me up half the night every night…”

BETTE- “The Lovemaster showing her a thing or two eh?”

ALICE- “Oh gawwwwd….” (Bette chuckles.)

BETTE- “So, Lovemaster, will your new student last you think?”

ALICE- “Gawwwd.”

BETTE- “She’s sweet…what’s her name? Marianthi?”

ALICE- (She raises her head and looks at Bette…)

BETTE- “What?”

ALICE- “That was 3 lovers ago…this one is Penelope…”

BETTE- “Oh…sorry…what, are you taking lessons from Shane or something?”

ALICE- “Oh shut up…don’t talk to me about Shane…”

BETTE- “Dakota’s still around, so she must be doing something right.”

ALICE- “Yeah, keeping her up at night.”

BETTE- “What does THAT mean?”

ALICE- “Poor thing, she won’t know what hit her when Shane dumps her.”

BETTE- “You don’t know that. Give her a chance Al.”

ALICE- “The writing’s on the wall Bette…she’s already spewing indifferent little comments about love.”

BETTE- “About Dakota?”

ALICE- “No, about Mona and what’s her name…”

BETTE- “Oh that, well…not sure that was about love to begin with.” (Alice stares at Bette and squints…) “What?!!!”

ALICE- “You’re all just lost I tell you!”

BETTE- “Oh is that right, Lovemaster!”

ALICE- “Well…if the title fits!”

BETTE- “You’re incorrigible.”

ALICE- “I’m wise.”

BETTE- (Pushing her buttons…) “And how old is Penelope?”

ALICE- “Oh just leave me alone will ya!” (Bette starts laughing.) “And you should talk, you Lothario!”

BETTE- “LOTHARIO?!”


TINA- (She makes her presence known as she moves closer, after hearing the previous few seconds of the conversation…and catching Bette and Alice off guard…) “Hi…sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt…I…I wonder if you could help me out. I think I might be lost.” (Alice looks at Tina, then at Bette who is just staring at Tina, blushing at the thought of her ‘Lothario’ title being heard by this stranger, then Alice looks back at Tina again. The blonde smiles shyly…) “Sorry, I shouldn’t have interrupted, I’ll go ask the lady at the bar.” (Bette and Alice don’t quite manage to get a word out as Tina starts walking to where Kit is. Alice turns to look at Bette…)

ALICE- “Standing at attention are we?”

BETTE- “What?”

ALICE- “Sexy blonde lady…she seems to have gotten a rise out of you…”

BETTE- (She looks at Alice, annoyed… and then gets up and approaches Tina before she manages to get Kit’s attention.) “Hi. I’m sorry we weren’t more helpful. Alice and I were in a bit of an involved conversation. Would you like to join us for coffee? Maybe we can help you find your way. Not many lost souls show up here.” (Tina chuckles…) “I mean…”

TINA- “It’s ok. I…I’m Tina…” (She extends her hand and Bette takes it, smiling.)

BETTE- “I’m Bette.”

TINA- “Pleased to meet you. For a minute there I thought you were ‘Lothario’…”

BETTE- (Blushing…) “Sorry…Alice sometimes…well…”

TINA- “Sorry, I’m just kidding…I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation.”

BETTE- “It’s ok, I…well…it’s a total mischaracterization, I assure you!”

TINA- (Nodding and smiling…) “I’m sure…”

BETTE- “So, will you join us?”

TINA- “Sure.”

BETTE- “What’s this about you being lost?”

TINA- “Well, I think I’ve either got the wrong café or wrong time or I’ve just missed the boat entirely. I was supposed to meet someone here but they’re never late and it’s been a while. I’m new to the city, my friend doesn’t have a cell and I’m in a place called the ‘Planet’ but I’m thinking maybe it was Plante’s, which I just came from…I didn’t write the name down but my friend is neither here nor there…” (She sounds a little exasperated…) “I must sound confused, but it’s been quite a trip and I just got in this morning, so…”

BETTE- “Don’t say another word. Let’s head to our table and we’ll order some coffee and see if we can figure this out.”

TINA- (Tilting her head a bit and feeling taken by the pretty lady’s kindness…) “That’s sweet of you, thank you.” (Bette guides her to the table.)

BETTE- “This is Alice.” (Tina extends her hand before she sits.)

ALICE- “Hi there.”

TINA- “I’m Tina.”

ALICE- “Very nice to meet you Tina. Have a seat.” (Alice keeps sneaking a peak at Bette while assessing this ‘Tina’. Bette sits next to her, with Alice on Tina’s opposite side.) “So, did I hear you correctly? You’re lost?”

TINA- “Yes, I feel silly, but it’s my first time here, I just arrived, and I think I’ve gotten my directions mixed up and my friend doesn’t have a cell and is probably worried about me by now.”

ALICE- “Oh I’m sure she’ll figure out what happened.”

TINA- “Well I hope so but this really sucks. I was dying to see him. I miss him so much and now I’m both lost and probably freaked him out by going missing.”

ALICE- (She looks at Bette…who looks like her favourite painting fell off the wall and into a mud puddle…) “Dying to see him…well, I’m sure he can’t wait to see you either.” (She looks back at Tina.) “I’m sure everything will work out. He’ll find you, you’ll find him…we’ll figure all of this out. Not to worry Tina.”

TINA- “Thanks, that’s really nice of you.” (She looks at Bette, who smiles and nods politely, though somehow sadly.) “Coffee is on me, what can I get you both?”

BETTE- “No no, I’ll get coffee…you can get it next time…” (She rises.) “Latte?”

TINA- “Sure.” (She smiles and Bette stands looking at her smiling back. Alice looks at the two of them and tries to assert a reminder of her existence…)

ALICE- “Sure…I’ll have a latte too.”

BETTE- “Hmmm? Oh, yeah, sure. I’ll be right back.” (Bette walks off.)

ALICE- (Shaking her head…and then looking at Tina…) “So, has your friend lived in LA long?”

TINA- “Well not too long, but a little while now and it seemed like it was a good idea to come out.”

ALICE- “Distance can be a bitch.”

TINA- “For sure.”

ALICE- “You been together long?”

TINA- “Hmm?”

KIT- “Hey, can I bring buy some croissants or something for you ladies? Bette’s wating on the coffee. Should be just a couple of minutes.”

TINA- “Oh I’d love some, thanks.”

KIT- “Hi, I’m Kit by the way.”

TINA- “Hi Kit. I’m Tina.”

KIT- “Be right back ladies.”

ALICE- “Bette’s sister.”

TINA- “Oh, Kit?”

ALICE- “Yep. She’s the best.”

TINA- “They both seem nice.”

ALICE- “Hearts of gold actually. Good friends.”

TINA- “How about you?”

ALICE- (She smiles playfully…) “Me? Oh I’m hell on wheels! Total troublemaker.”

TINA- (She laughs…) “I think you’re sweet.” (Alice blushes and grins profusely.) “You’re very perceptive Miss Tina!” (They both chuckle.)

ALICE- “So, where you from?”

TINA- “Out east.”

ALICE- “You staying long?”

TINA- “Good question. I’m not sure.” (Alice looks at her a little perplexed.) “I’m lost in the figurative sense too. Got a lot to figure out.” (Tina looks a little shy about the subject.)

ALICE- “Well then, this could turn out to become quite the adventure. You me, Bette, and WeHo…all finding each other…kiddo, you ain’t lost no more…consider yourself found! Well…something like that. But don’t worry, you’ll figure it all out.”

TINA- “I sure hope so Alice. I sure do hope so.”