Chapter 17

Bette pulled up in the driveway and saw one lone light that was purposely left on to illuminate the entranceway into Bette and Tina’s house. Bette was familiar enough with the small gesture to know that Tina was concerned with her safety, rather than allowing her to stumble in the dark while making her way inside.

Bette shut her car off and stared at her house for a moment before shaking her head and exiting her car. She walked up the front steps and put her key in the door as she had done countless times before. Slowly, Bette opened the door, and closed her eyes upon being greeted by the familiar scent of the place she called home.

Bette placed her keys on the table near the front door and walked slowly into the room. She let her fingers touch the shiny wood of a table that Tina insisted on buying at Pottery Barn despite Bette’s objection regarding mass production of furniture. The argument she presented was that mass production of furniture was simply a way to remove any originality in design. It fell on deaf ears when Tina brought the table home. Bette couldn’t help but smile now, given that within a week of the table arriving, she simply loved the way it accented the room perfectly.

She walked past the couches and chairs and into the kitchen, the same room she hardly could visit during the time she and Tina were apart. She always labeled the kitchen as ‘Tina’s room’ simply because of her love of cooking. Bette hadn’t rearranged anything in the kitchen, even after all the years that she and Tina were separated. Bette flipped on a small light over the sink to help her see around the kitchen and was greeted with a note strategically placed on the kitchen counter for her to find.

Bette picked the note up and smiled at the familiar handwriting. Her eyes became lost in the perfect strokes that Tina used to create her message. Bette always admired Tina’s handwriting, because even when rushed, it was perfect penmanship rather than her own scribbling. The note, simple and familiar, was a comfort to Bette once she stopped and read it. Tina had told her there were leftovers for her in the refrigerator, but because she had not slept well the night before, she had gone to bed early after ordering Angelica to do the same.

Bette hadn’t realized the sheer amount of stress that both she and Tina had encountered within a 24-hour period. Bette hadn’t slept either, but the adrenaline she had running through her body didn’t allow her to recognize how tired she truly was. Bette slipped the note into her back pocket, not wanting to take anything for granted given Megan’s sad story, and opened the refrigerator.

“Fuck the leftovers,” Bette muttered as she reached around them and grabbed a bottle of Grey Goose vodka.

Once Bette had the cold bottle in her hand, she grabbed the nearest glass and walked outside into the night air to think. She sat down on the chaise lounge near the pool and unscrewed the cap to the bottle of expensive vodka. She poured herself a healthy amount in the crystal glass and took a large sip, draining the glass of its contents. She grimaced as the potent liquid traveled down her throat and settled in her stomach. The moonlight reflecting off the water of the pool mesmerized Bette momentarily. She looked at the perfectly manicured garden that surrounded the pool, unable to separate in her mind the beauty of it and the work that Tina put in to grow her favorite flowers and plants.

Bette closed her eyes and took a deep breath in, her senses being attacked by the amazing mixture of scents from the flowers surrounding her. Bette thought back to when Tina first moved into her home and became lost for hours outside working on the garden. She had chastised Bette for allowing the herbs to overtake the backyard and tried to give her lessons in planting. Tina quickly gave up and adopted the upkeep of the foliage in the backyard as her chore and had worked on it ever since. When they were apart, Bette hired a service to take care of the landscaping, unable to cope with the feelings of loss as she traipsed through the garden.

“This entire house has Tina’s touch to it,” Bette muttered as she drank another shot of vodka. “I remember how much that hurt when she wasn’t here.”

Bette allowed a few tears to escape her eyes and travel slowly down her cheeks. She made no attempt at wiping them as she rapidly blinked to clear her clouded eyes of the fresh tears threatening to follow suit and cascade down her cheeks. She took another sip and grimaced, shaking her head to choke down the taste of the shot she had just consumed.

“Why bother when you hate the taste of that stuff?” Tina asked from behind her.

Bette quickly wiped her tears away and turned to face her wife.

“What are you doing up?”

“Hot flash,” Tina explained as she sat down next to Bette on the chaise lounger. “I was hoping for an uninterrupted night of sleep but I suppose that’s too much to ask for.”

“So you came out here to cool off?”

“I did,” Tina smiled lovingly at Bette. “Imagine my surprise when I saw you sitting out here. What’s your excuse?”

Bette took another shot as Tina watched concerned about her behavior and posture. Tina could tell that Bette was bothered by something, but she wasn’t talking which made Tina’s mind race with the possibilities.

“You never answered my question.”

“Which one?” Bette asked as she put the crystal glass down on the cement to refill it quickly.

“Why bother when you hate the taste?”

“Several reasons,” Bette said as she smiled at Tina for the first time since she invaded her private moment. “I guess to lessen the pain and because I have no ability or energy to make a martini which is what I really wanted.”

Bette filled the glass once more and held it up to see the light reflecting off the glass. The liquid swirled inside the crystal glass, but Bette moved her focus from the colorful glass to Tina’s eyes before she downed the entire glass of vodka.

“It’s easier if you just tell me what’s bothering you,” Tina pointed out making no effort at stopping Bette’s drinking binge.

“It isn’t that simple to explain,” Bette countered. “This is easier.”

“Since when does Bette Porter shy away from a challenge and take the easy way out?”

Bette contemplated Tina’s question before answering. Tina was right that she typically did not shy away from challenges and risks, yet her life was just as she wanted it now and that held a certain comfort that outweighed risk at any given moment.

“Sometimes the risk isn’t worth it.”

“I don’t believe that,” Tina said softly. “If it’s worth doing it’s never easy, but the payoff is worth the trouble.”

“I don’t know that I believe the payoff is always worth it,” Bette said as she blinked back tears.

Tina placed her hand on Bette’s thigh to offer comfort, but didn’t push hoping Bette would continue talking. When Bette made no effort at explaining her current mood, but instead reached for the bottle of Grey Goose, Tina placed her hand over Bette’s to stop her forward progress toward the bottle.

“I’m not sure this is the example we want to show Angie at this given moment.”

“Fuck living an example,” Bette said in anger as she tried to grab the bottle once again.

“You’re not going to drink yourself into a state like our daughter did.”

“Why won’t you just let me have my fears?” Bette asked slightly annoyed.

“Why live with fears when I may be able to help calm them?”

“Really?” Bette challenged with an arched eyebrow. “How certain are you of that?”

“I’m not certain, but I’m willing to try.”

“And if it’s something that directly contradicts what you want?”

“Then we work through it,” Tina simply said. “I can’t fathom what has you this upset through.”

“In a word?” Bette challenged and paused for dramatic effect. “Babies.”

“My wanting another child has caused you to drink yourself into a state of aggression?” Tina challenged beginning to feel her defenses rise.

“The potential outcome of having another child has gotten me frazzled more or less.”

Tina grabbed the glass from Bette and filled it with the clear liquid once more handing it back to Bette with a smile.

“Trying to take advantage of me if I keep drinking?” Bette teased.

“Something like that,” Tina smiled back. “I want you relaxed for our discussion of the lists if that’s what we’re doing at this given moment.”

“Mine isn’t done.”

“Does it need to be?” Tina challenged.

“I want to discuss something else,” Bette stood up and began to walk over to where Tina had planted smaller palm trees near the entrance of the house. “Do you remember when you planted these trees?”

“I do,” Tina nodded unsure of the direction the conversation was now taking.

“It was a week before the Buddha statue was arriving,” Bette began to relay the story fondly. “It took you an entire weekend to get the soil right for them to be transplanted. You spent the better part of the following week nursing them to health with that ridiculously expensive plant food that had to be shipped in special to the store. I remember getting so upset at the cost of something as simple as plant food, but do you remember what you told me?”

“Trust me,” Tina whispered. “You’ll be happy with the end result and how it’ll look.”

“You did, but you also told me that after they survive because of your stubbornness, I’d never be able to look at them without thinking of you.”

Tina waited for Bette to explain the message behind the story she just relayed.

“When you were gone, when I messed up and you left me, I couldn’t even sit out here because the memories were too painful. Did you know, when you said it, how dead accurate that statement would be?”

“I didn’t know you didn’t sit out here.”

“I never could,” Bette walked over to where the statue was centered among some rare foliage. “I walked into the house and for years, all I could think of was you. You were everywhere, even when I had to take the pictures of you and I down when Kristen moved in. I walked into the house and all I could see were the memories we made through the years we were together.”

“I remember those being a comfort to me during the time we were apart,” Tina said fondly. “I can even remember reliving some of those last year when we reunited so to speak.”

“I remember fighting them the entire time we were apart,” Bette said not picking up on Tina’s teasing manner. “I couldn’t even be alone in my own house because you were everywhere.”

“Why is that such a bad thing?” Tina challenged. “This was my home for a good part of my adult life Bette. It’s understandable that after all that time the house would hold memories for you.”

“I can’t lose that,” Bette whispered as she turned away from Tina and looked at the pool once more.

“You won’t,” Tina wrapped her arms around Bette and felt the tears falling off Bette’s cheeks and onto her forearms. “What has you so rattled Babe?”

“Megan.”

Tina felt her own posture change at the mere mention of Megan’s name. She swallowed hard as her mind raced finding a correlation between Bette feeling she would lose Tina and Megan. She closed her eyes feeling her insecurity begin to rise in her throat. Bette felt the change in Tina’s demeanor and turned in her arms to confront her wife.

“What’s going on?” Bette challenged.

“You tell me.”

“Meaning?”

“What does Megan have to do with you losing me?” Tina shot back, cringing at the sound of her own voice.

“Shockingly for you,” Bette began angry at what she thought was Tina’s assumption. “She isn’t after me in any way, but particularly sexual which was your fear.”

Bette broke the embrace and walked back to the bottle of Grey Goose avoiding the glass altogether and drinking straight from the bottle. Tina stood rooted to the spot on the patio where they both had stood moments before, not sure how to approach Bette given her level of anger regarding Tina’s assumption.

“Is it so foreign to you that I’d understand someone wanting to have a sexual relationship with you? I know how amazingly beautiful and sexy you are Bette, I’d know better than anyone how those feelings can rage within someone when they look at you.”

“You don’t trust me.”

“This is not about you,” Tina dismissed Bette’s statement. “This is about my not trusting someone that has blatantly flirted with you in front of me. You slept with her in the past and I know that experiencing intimacy with you is not something that one often forgets.”

“Her partner died,” Bette said as she took another swig of vodka, but this time didn’t flinch as it traveled down her throat and settled in her stomach. Tina knew she was well on her way to intoxication.

“What does this have to do with me?”

“She broke down in front of me tonight Tina,” Bette simply said. “Her entire life went to shit in one moment when her partner died in her fucking arms.”

“Again, what does this have to do with me?” Tina asked as she moved closer to Bette.

“Aren’t you curious how she died?”

“I’m sorry for her loss,” Tina carefully worded her response. “I am curious how she died because I have a feeling that the cause of death is what has you so rattled and you are somehow correlating that to me.”

“She was pregnant.”

“She died during childbirth?” Tina asked shocked at Bette’s revelation.

“Not exactly,” Bette took another drink and sat down on the lounger running her fingertip around the opening of the bottle. “She was trying to cross a protest line at a clinic that catered to underprivileged women that were trying to handle their family situation the best way they could.”

“You’ve lost me,” Tina said sadly.

“She went to a clinic that was known for granting abortions,” Bette explained further. “But she wasn’t there for one. She was there because Megan couldn’t afford health insurance for them and they were receiving prenatal care from those types of clinics.”

Tina sat next to Bette and placed her hand on Bette’s thigh hoping to encourage her to continue.

“Her partner was hemorrhaging but the fucking protestors cared nothing about that,” Bette said in anger. “They cared about their agenda and let this poor woman bleed to death in front of them basically.”

Bette felt the tears begin to gather in her eyes.

“What you don’t understand Tina,” Bette began to explain further. “Is that I could barely survive when you weren’t in my life but I still knew you were ok! I can’t even think about you not being here, where I wouldn’t be able to at least see you, even if you weren’t with me.”

“We have excellent medical coverage Bette,” Tina tried to explain.

“I’ve talked enough about this,” Bette tried to shut the conversation down quickly. “It’s not worth the risk to me and it completely pisses me off that you can’t understand that!”

“I understand your fears Babe,” Tina responded quietly. “Your opinion hasn’t fallen on deaf ears.”

“Just uncaring ones.”

“Hardly,” Tina shot back. “But I was operating under the assumption that we would discuss this using your idea of the lists.”

“That was before I heard Megan’s story,” Bette sputtered. “This show means so much more now. Can’t you see how it’s her revenge and therapy for her broken heart?”

“I’m not one that’s big on revenge.”

“You may not understand it Tina, but put yourself in my shoes. How would you feel if I weren’t here because I died in some freak accident?”

“So I should never leave the house? Frankly I could get killed on the way to work, yet we can’t live our life as if the freak accident will always happen.”

“We also don’t need to invite fate to fuck us,” Bette said as she got up and walked into the house leaving a confused and angry Tina sitting on the lounger by the pool.

“Something is not right here,” Tina whispered to herself. “Call it whatever you want, but there’s more to Megan than anyone else sees and I’m not about to let her fuck me without a fight.”

Tina walked into the kitchen and grabbed a piece of paper from a drawer and a pen. She sat down at the kitchen table scribbling notes about what Bette had just revealed to her. She tapped the pen and bit her bottom lip as she concentrated on the notes she had just made.

“I don’t think you counted on me having a complete staff of researchers at my disposal Megan,” Tina muttered. “Researching this story for the ‘potential’ of a documentary is now their number one priority as of tomorrow morning.”

Tina leaned back and closed her eyes trying to will her newly formed headache to go away as she thought about Bette’s attitude toward expanding their family.

“It isn’t over Bette,” Tina said as she walked back outside to retrieve the bottle of Grey Goose before she was tempted to begin to mirror Bette’s behavior and drink herself into a fit of anger.

A similar scene was unfolding across town where one lone light also was shining to allow Megan the chance to read the papers that were unfolded and displayed before her. She poured herself a glass of cheap vodka with half-melted ice cubes left in her glass. She took a large sip of the clear alcohol hoping it would lessen the pain as she reread the papers in front of her for the fifth time that evening.

“I’m so fucking emotionally drained,” Megan said to the picture in front of her of her partner smiling back at her. “This is harder than I ever thought it would be.”

Megan let her fingers smudge the glass that sheltered the picture from the elements. She reached behind her and took out the glossy piece of paper that she carried for the better part of a year now. She stared at the sonogram picture allowing tears to fall freely down her face.

“I took the first step Baby,” Megan muttered to the picture of her partner once more. “I told Bette about you and god it felt good to unload some of that.”

Megan curled up in bed holding the picture of her partner tight in her arms. She drifted off quickly, drunk and feeling no pain, grateful for the progress she had shared with Bette but knowing that was the easiest part. What remained would weigh on her until she felt the time was right and all could be revealed.