Chapter 19

The sound of stiletto heels meeting the expensive marble flooring in the gallery hallway provided enough of a warning that someone was approaching where Megan sat, deep in thought. Once the sound broke into Megan’s thoughts, she wiped the tears from her eyes and turned her back to the door to buy some additional time to compose herself.

Hearing her visitor clearing her throat to announce her arrival, Megan turned around surprised to be standing face to face with Tina Kennard-Porter.

“Oh,” Megan was thrown off her game for a brief moment but recovered remarkably. “I thought you might be Bette or Jordon. Bette’s not here, she left not too long ago.”

“I know,” Tina said calmly. “I watched her leave.”

“Why would you do that and then creep into the gallery?” Megan challenged folding her arms across her chest defensively.

“I hardly would say I crept given I have the keys and the code,” Tina countered. “Anyway, it was you I wanted to talk to and I didn’t see a need to involve Bette in the discussion.”

Megan hardly knew Tina, but there was no mistaking she had an agenda and Megan’s job was merely to listen while Tina revealed it. She pulled up a stool and kicked a rolling one that Bette used throughout the day in Tina’s direction.

“Have a seat.”

Megan’s eyes diverted from Tina’s to the file folder in Tina’s hand with Megan’s name written neatly on it. Her curiosity was peaked, yet she wanted to remain on equal footing with Tina, and decided to listen carefully to what was said before making assumptions and revealing something she was not prepared to do.

“Thanks,” Tina sat down on the stool and crossed one shapely leg over the other.

Tina laid the file on her lap without opening it and stared at Megan for a brief moment. She could feel her emotions welling up and fought to swallow the lump in her throat.

“Care to share what’s on your mind?” Megan asked, nervous being alone with Tina for the first time. She knew her interaction with Tina was a large key to the future turning out as she had hoped, yet she hadn’t done her homework to know much about Tina.

“You actually,” Tina said in a steady voice. “I suppose I should start with apologizing to you.”

“I haven’t thought about the other day at breakfast since I walked out of the restaurant,” Megan shot back surprised at Tina’s apology for what Megan considered her blatant behavior.

“I’m not apologizing for that,” Tina said simply, working to control her emotions. “I stand by what most would call woman’s intuition regarding you wanting something from my wife.”

Tina’s statement was followed by silence so she continued to talk.

“What has bothered me is that I’ve been unable to figure out just what that is.”

Megan swallowed hard trying to avoid Tina’s piercing blue eyes that seemed to stare right through her.

“I came here tonight to give you a chance to tell me what exactly that is,” Tina announced the agenda item for the discussion. “My apology is for invading your privacy and having someone on my staff create this file for me based on what Bette shared with me last night.”

Once again silence fell between the two women and Tina began to tap her fingers against the file in her lap. Megan was speechless knowing exactly what news Tina was referring to, but not understanding exactly how much Tina knew.

“Nothing?” Tina urged Megan to open up. “I didn’t come here to fight with you Megan.”

“What did you come here to do armed with that file then?”

“Talk,” Tina said simply in an understanding voice. “I said I was sorry about invading your privacy, but I won’t apologize for protecting the people that mean the most to me. I’m not wrong that you want something from Bette am I?”

“No,” Megan shook her head and wiped a tear away that had barely fallen on her cheek. “But you already know that if you have my life neatly tucked in a file there under your hands.”

“What I don’t understand,” Tina’s voice had an underlying softness to it. “Is what exactly it is you want? I don’t think it’s Bette anymore.”

“No,” Megan admitted once more.

“But I’m not wrong that you presented it that way,” Tina continued to talk in a manner which seemed as if she were asking questions rather than making statements. “Why would you pretend to want to be with my wife when that isn’t the case?”

“A test,” Megan simply answered picking imaginary lint off her thigh.

“Were you testing Bette,” Tina paused for effect. “Or were you testing me?”

“Both.”

“Did we pass?”

“With flying colors as they say,” Megan offered a small smile as she began to relax and study Tina as she interacted with her.

“What was the test?”

“How strong your relationship was.”

“I see,” Tina continued to drum her fingers against the folder in her lap. “Can you tell me why?”

“You’re very intelligent Tina,” Megan said with a small chuckle at the irony of the situation. “You should already know.”

Megan’s statement was met with silence from Tina’s direction so she continued to talk having gained control of the floor.

“I suppose I should be cursing myself that I didn’t follow my own words of wisdom about planning too long before the rug gets ripped out from underneath your feet.”

Tina arched her eyebrow in question as Megan continued to talk.

“I’m not ready to talk about what is going on with me and surely, I would have discussed it with Bette first, but here you are already armed with the answers you’re asking me about. You can draw your own conclusions from it if you read between the lines.”

“Why not just talk to me about it and save me from the potential of making incorrect assumptions before I talk to Bette myself?”

“Are we just talking?”

“Just talking,” Tina confirmed. “I’ll hold my questions until the end.”

“Oh no,” Megan laughed. “Feel free to interrupt me because ultimately, as an artist, I hardly ever involve others in my life and I’ve grown to hate the sound of my own voice these days. I find I’m talking more now than I ever have in the past.”

“Pick a point to start then,” Tina agreed eager to know more of Megan’s agenda. “I’ll agree to interrupt you when I have a question.”

“Fair enough,” Megan took a sip of water and stared at Tina finding compassion in her eyes. “As you know, I met Bette years ago, even before she knew you. She owned her first gallery and I was a sculptor she wanted for a showing.”

Tina nodded her head in agreement with the facts as they were relayed.

“My choice was between Bette and this other woman, to this day I can’t remember her name, and I was so struck by Bette that there was no question that I’d offer her the show.”

“You slept with her,” Tina said more as a statement than an accusation.

“I did,” Megan nodded. “It wasn’t a relationship, but as far as meaningless sex goes, she was the most gentle and kind person I’ve ever met. Even when we both knew our intimate relationship was nothing more than just sex for sex’s sake, at that point nobody ever touched me so gently and genuinely cared for me in every way. She has this amazing way of drawing you into all that is Bette Porter without you even knowing it’s happening. To be there just makes you feel….” Megan paused choosing her words carefully. “Like you are the only woman in the world that matters.”

Tina smiled at the description of Bette causing Megan to chuckle at her last statement.

“You know that already about her or you wouldn’t be with her all these years.”

“I do,” Tina agreed wanting Megan to continue her story.

“I never forgot that,” Megan began again. “I’ve always been fond of Bette and followed her career. I considered her a friend.”

Tina stopped drumming her fingers and offered a small smile as consolation while Megan continued to talk.

“But years had passed and we lost touch,” Megan took another sip of water and began to play with the label on the bottle as she spoke. “Then I moved to the South of Italy to become ‘inspired’ once more. I met another American there and for the first time in my life, I believed in love at first sight.”

“Janet,” Tina whispered.

Megan nodded as she swiped at another tear that had fallen from her wet eyes.

“I truly believe she was my soulmate in every way,” Megan said with longing in her eyes. “We were married when we were overseas and would have stayed there permanently, but she wanted to start a family and wanted them to be blessed with American citizenship and the rights that come with it.”

“So you moved back here?”

“We moved back and spent every dime we had saved trying to get pregnant. She obviously quit her job and was looking for something here while I tried to create and sell shows for money.”

“But you weren’t successful,” Tina filled in a few gaps and allowed the words to slip from her lips.

“No,” Megan agreed. “So when we found out Janet was pregnant we were virtually broke. We saved what money we could by visiting state funded clinics which were free to those that weren’t able to afford health insurance and adequate care.”

Tina blinked back tears as she listened to Megan describe, with emotion, the story that was contained in the file sitting in her hands.

“Most of those clinics were also those that provided family planning, up to and including…”

“Abortion,” Tina said quietly.

“Abortion,” Megan confirmed. “Near the end of Janet’s pregnancy, she started to experience some irregular bleeding. It seemed to come and go, depending on the day, and for a short period it went on for several days. We were told if that happened like that to immediately seek urgent care.”

“What was wrong with the pregnancy?” Tina enquired not having gotten that information in the research results she held.

“Oddly enough it was a common condition,” Megan allowed anger to seep into her voice which was quickly noticed by Tina. “She had placenta previa which could have been treated. But when she was diagnosed incorrectly by one of the free health care clinics, the condition continued to worsen until a decision had to be made. We were far enough along where Sarah’s lungs were developed, but the placenta was completely covering the cervix and she should have never been allowed to deliver vaginally.”

“She did go through natural labor?”

“Well the stress of not being able to cross the lines and get help added to the situation and it threw her into labor.”

“I’m so sorry,” Tina said quietly feeling her own tears begin to wet her eyes and cheeks.

“Janet had a decision to make,” Megan continued feeling the pain of reliving the incident for Tina. “She begged me to save the baby if it came down to it, to basically let her go.”

“She was very brave.”

“She was a mom,” Megan simply said. “I know you would have done the same for Angelica.”

“Without question,” Tina firmly said not missing a beat. “My role as a mom is the most important thing I’ve ever done.”

“Janet felt that way as well,” Megan smiled with fondness as she remembered flashes of Janet throughout the pregnancy. “God it killed me, but when the staff came out seeing what was going on, I made the choice to honor her wishes and they began to work to get Sarah out under the guise of saving them both. But Janet had lost so much blood, nothing was working….”

Megan’s voice trailed off as she fell apart in front of Tina’s eyes. She put her face in her hands as her elbows were balanced on her knees and sobbed for what she had lost. Tina placed the file folder down and stood up, crossing the room slowly, and stood in front of Megan. It was the closest that Tina and Megan had been to one another, yet even the unfamiliar seemed comforting as Tina wrapped her arms around Megan and pulled her up into a full embrace.

“You have to feel this and stop locking it away,” Tina whispered as she held Megan in a hug waiting for her to calm down.

“They did what they could,” Megan continued to cry while remaining in Tina’s embrace. “But in the end they handed me my daughter and told me they couldn’t save Janet. A condition that shouldn’t have been life threatening took the life of my love.”

“I’m so sorry,” Tina stroked Megan’s back to try to calm her emotions as she felt her own threatening to spill over.

“My daughter looks just like her.”

“I have a picture of her,” Tina admitted. “She’s beautiful.”

“Thank you,” Megan sniffled and stepped out of Tina’s personal space. “Thank you for trying to help as well.”

“I hate to do this,” Tina cringed at the beginning of her sentence knowing she needed more information. “I have that information and, although you’ve said I’m rather intelligent, I’m still confused about something and need to ask you some questions.”

“Go ahead,” Megan said nicely.

“I know you’re not well Megan,” Tina began. “Why aren’t you receiving treatment?”

“I refused it.”

“I know that,” Tina said patiently. “But why not attempt treatment given the medical advances that are made daily?”

“They gave me a 20% chance to live Tina,” Megan said. “At 20% I’d rather die with dignity and be with Janet again in some afterlife. It’s funny how you find religion once you’re faced with mortality, as if you need to find it to believe that you aren’t just gone and there’s nothing left once you’re dead and buried.”

“I believe there’s more,” Tina said kindly.

“I do now too,” Megan agreed. “What life do I really have Tina when I only have a 20% chance to live, and if I did, I’d be sick most of that time? What life do I have when my heart will never love again?”

Megan wiped tears that streamed quickly down her face at this point and continued her discussion with Tina.

“I’m a realist, I won’t make it even with treatments Tina. I’d be irresponsible if I don’t make some sort of arrangements for my daughter, the one thing in my life that matters most to me. My mother is old and ill herself….”

Megan noticed the moment Tina comprehended what she desired from Bette and Tina.

“You want Bette and I to serve as guardians and raise Sarah don’t you?”

“She wouldn’t be a burden Tina,” Megan began to plead her case. “I’ve saved every dime so that she would never want for anything, including medical care. All this money that I’m reported to have made, is all in a trust for her that she can begin to live off of once I die. I don’t live an extravagant life for that reason Tina, my daughter is well off already. This show, my last statement against what happened to Janet, is a blessing in two ways. The first is that I get the last say and hopefully what happened to Janet will never happen to anyone else again. But the money that this show will make will allow Sarah and you and your family to be well off so that she doesn’t put a strain on your family financially. The money is yours to oversee for her.”

“It’s not the money,” Tina began to explain the shocked look on her face.

“I know you want another child before it’s too late.”

“I do,” Tina began before Megan interrupted her once more.

“I know that Bette’s sole concern is your safety and health. This can give you what you want, both of you. You add to your family while Bette has her fears alleviated because you wouldn’t be going through an actual pregnancy.”

“You make it sound so simple and it is the furthest thing from it.”

“She’s so young Tina,” Megan began to feel her heart break once more. “Eventually she won’t even remember me and you and Bette will be the only mothers that she’ll ever know.”

“Why us?”

“First because you and Bette remind me of Janet and I. I want my daughter to be raised with tolerance, by a lesbian couple, and in the midst of art and culture.”

“There are a lot of lesbian couples that can give Sarah a good life,” Tina argued.

“But I don’t know them like I know Bette.”

“Bette’s changed after all these years Megan,” Tina continued the debate.

“Not what’s inside of her,” Megan shot back. “I see the same person that drew me in and made me feel the most important person in the world every time I looked at her.”

Megan stared at Tina pleading with her eyes.

“You know I’m right,” Megan said softly. “You know it in your heart or you still wouldn’t be with her all these years later. You know her the best Tina and I challenge you to tell me I’m wrong.”

“I can’t,” Tina muttered in a soft voice.

“I’m not asking for an answer right now,” Megan sniffled as she wiped tears from her face once more. “I have enough time to finish the show and get it off the ground.”

“How long is that?” Tina asked afraid of the answer. “Are we talking months or years.”

“Months,” Megan said bravely.

Tina looked at Megan and the two sat staring at each other for a moment before Megan broke the silence.

“Don’t pity me Tina; just help me by taking care of Sarah as if she were your own.”

“This is a lot to take in,” Tina said.

“You are a mom Tina, you know how hard it is to think of another woman raising your child as her own and missing out on the lifetimes of ‘firsts’ and the joy a child can bring. It breaks my heart when I’m not with her. I know you understand how hard this is for me.”

“I do,” Tina quickly agreed. “I don’t know that I would be as brave.”

“Just promise me one thing,” Megan begged.

Tina arched her eyebrow as her answer waiting for Megan to voice her request.

“Think about it before you even talk to Bette,” Megan pleaded. “We can talk to her together. Let it sink in for a few days and we’ll talk again before we discuss anything with Bette.”

“I have to share this with Bette.”

“Not yet,” Megan begged. “I don’t want her pity or her answer before we’ve talked again Tina. I’m begging you for this one thing.”

The tone of voice, Megan begging Tina for her request, continued to ring in her ears as she pulled her car into the driveway and parked it. She shut the engine off, drained from the weight of the day, barely able to control her emotions that sat uncomfortably just below the surface.

“I’m begging you…” Tina could hear Megan’s voice as she shut the car off and tried to still her shaking hands.

Tina got out of the car and tried to take a few deep breaths before entering the house with her work that needed to be completed by tomorrow morning, but went ignored in lieu of paying Megan a visit.

Tina opened the door and was quickly greeted by Bette’s voice, as she was engaged in a debate with their daughter regarding her actions over the weekend. Tina remembered that the discussion of Angelica’s punishment was scheduled for tonight, but was emotionally drained to the point of feeling sick at the thought of taking on another issue.

“Hey Babe,” Bette said looking up from Angelica as she heard Tina walk in. “Are you ok?”

“Fine,” Tina answered feeling numb and working to block out Megan’s voice ringing in her head. “Why?”

“You look like you just saw a ghost.”

“Nothing like that,” Tina offered a small smile as she dropped her briefcase on the floor near the table and took a seat across from Bette, positioning Angelica now in between them.

Bette frowned at the look on Tina’s face, coupled with the fact that she had not greeted Angelica nor offered Bette a kiss hello, which was her usual routine.

“We were just debating what Angelica considers fair as a punishment.”

“Against?”

“What I do,” Bette answered.

“Any decisions?” Tina asked still fighting the images of Megan falling apart in front of her eyes.

“We waited for you,” Bette said concerned at Tina’s appearance. “Maybe you should change and relax a bit, you look a little frazzled.”

“I’m fine.”

“How was your meeting?” Bette asked thinking work had Tina upset.

“Fine.”

“I’m sorry Mom,” Angelica broke in seizing an opportunity seeing Tina’s weakness. “I know it was stupid and it will never happen again.”

“I don’t believe that,” Tina said feeling numb.

“I promise.”

“Your word right now,” Tina snapped at Angelica. “Your word means nothing to me until you earn my trust back. I give it once freely Angelica. Now it’s up to you whether you deserve it or not once it’s broken.”

Angelica let her tears fall in a dramatic fashion, praying inside her head for some leniency from one of her mothers, but knowing she wasn’t about to have her wish granted.

“All I can do is say sorry,” Angelica cried. “You have to trust me.”

“We don’t have to do anything of the sort,” Bette broke into the conversation.

Bette looked over at Tina and saw in her eyes things she had not seen a long time. Tina’s eyes were reflecting sadness, fear, stress, confusion, anger, and an overall concerning look. Bette laid her hand on Tina’s and caught her eye as she looked across the table to see what had covered her hand.

“Are you ok?” Bette asked very concerned at Tina’s demeanor.

“Maybe I will change and rest for a second,” Tina said.

She got up from the table and even Angelica looked worried about Tina. She looked at Bette and looked scared at her mother’s state of mind and blinked back tears.

“She’ll be ok,” Bette covered her hand over Angelica’s before getting up to check on Tina in the bedroom.

“Am I supposed to wait here for my punishment?”

“You’re grounded from everything other than school and working every weekend at either the gallery, the studio, or The Planet to keep you out of trouble,” Bette turned and faced Angelica with a seriousness in her eyes and voice. “And Angelica if I even so much as think you are hanging around with Tracy in any fashion, I’ll strangle her in front of you so you have a preview of what’s to come for you. Do I make myself clear?”

“No Tracy and manual labor,” Angelica repeated happy the punishment wasn’t worse. “For how long?”

“As long as I think it should be before we ship you to a convent,” Bette muttered as she walked down the hallway to check on Tina.