Chapter 20

Tina sighed as she held a mug of hot tea in between her hands in an effort to warm herself against the cool night breeze. She rolled her eyes aggravated that sleepless nights were becoming the norm for her, but this time she was more troubled with the reason rather than the inconvenience. She shivered as she snuggled down in the lounger near the pool and felt the cool breeze pass over her legs. She was wearing a pair of khaki shorts and an older Yale sweatshirt that she had confiscated years ago from Bette loving the feel of the fleece against her skin.

“I’m begging you Tina…”

Tina blinked back tears as her mind continued to replay her interaction with Megan earlier that evening. She looked at her watch and saw the hands proudly displaying 1:15 as if it were taunting her. She took her list of pros and cons out of her pocket, her debate with Bette now seeming trivial given Megan’s suffering and likely future.

Tina’s eyes skimmed over the list of pros, many of them equally important as the one listed below it. Her list of cons was rather short as they surrounded Bette’s fears of Tina being too old to carry a child to term and deliver without complication.

“Megan’s right,” Tina sighed as she spoke quietly in the silence of the night. “Most of my pros don’t require a pregnancy.”

She chuckled as her eyes met the first two on her list that Alice had insisted she list high to grab Bette’s attention and quickly.

“Insemination sex and horny trimesters do though,” Tina laughed. “I just don’t understand why pick us Megan?”

Tina of course expected the question to be rhetorical given she was alone outside. As the air grew colder, she shivered and drank more tea to warm her from the inside.

“What I wouldn’t give for a damn hot flash now,” Tina muttered.

Tina mentally reviewed her list of items to tackle once daylight broke. She knew she had to see Megan as soon as she could to further discuss her request. Tina knew herself well enough to know that part of the reason she wasn’t sleeping was because she didn’t make a practice out of keeping things from Bette. Lying next to Bette as she slept peacefully, unaware of the future they were being asked to accept, Tina felt guilty and had to remove herself from Bette’s presence.

Bette had so lovingly tried to communicate with Tina when she had barricaded herself in their bedroom under the guise of changing into more comfortable clothes. Bette quietly sat on the bed and watched Tina change out of her work clothes, offering her time and patience for Tina to share what was so obviously weighing her down. Tina simply asked for Bette to give her time, but promised to share it soon with her. Despite the look of panic and uncertainty that flashed in Bette’s eyes, she simply stood up and held Tina close to her and agreed.

Tina cringed as she remembered the early appointment she scheduled with Dr. Wilson to discuss Bette’s fears. Before her discussion with Megan, Tina planned on meeting with Dr. Wilson to discuss Bette’s fears so that she could adequately address them when they sat down with their lists. Unfortunately, Megan’s painful past derailed that discussion, but Tina planned on addressing Bette’s fears regardless.

Tina walked back into the kitchen and found her briefcase quickly searching for a pen and paper to write her day out to ensure she didn’t miss any of the pressing things she needed to accomplish. She chuckled at how dependant she had become on her laptop’s calendar function, but given she didn’t bring her technological conveniences home, she was forced to use an old-fashioned method of keeping track of lists. Tina pulled a pad of paper out quickly, but in searching for a pen she began to dig deeper in her briefcase uncovering Megan’s file of information.

“Don’t do it,” Tina muttered to herself. “It won’t help you forget and be able to eventually fall asleep.”

Tina cursed herself as she reached for the folder and walked back outside to review it once more in private. She opened up to the first page and saw Megan’s basic information glaring back at her. Included in that information was a cell phone number for Megan that Tina had missed in her first perusal of the file.

“I have to tell her that I’m telling Bette,” Tina said quietly. “I owe it to her to tell her to her face.”

Tina scribbled what she knew of her schedule on the inside of the folder to see when she would be able to meet with Megan once more to discuss what Megan had asked of her. She remembered she had time before her appointment with Dr. Wilson, but after her appointment she was booked in back to back meetings at the studio until late afternoon. Tina dug her cell phone out of the side pocket of her cargo shorts and began to type a text message to Megan so that she would get it first thing in the morning when she turned her phone on.

Tina carefully thought about her words before hitting send to launch the message to Megan’s phone. She wanted to keep the message simple, yet polite and inviting so that Megan didn’t feel an additional pressure in her life given what she was already facing.

Megan,

Let’s talk as soon as you can this morning. Please feel free to call me at this number so we can decide on a time and place.

Tina

Tina hit send and quickly shut her phone placing it on the ground beside the lounger. She also placed the folder on the ground and leaned back into the lounger once more. No sooner had Tina begun to relax, her phone beeped indicating she had an incoming text message.

Her hands shook as she flipped her phone open and saw that it was from Megan’s number. She hit the read button, not even realizing that she was holding her breath.

Tina’s eyes quickly skimmed the message from Megan saying she was awake and Tina could call now to arrange a time and meeting place. Tina let her breath out before her shaking fingers dialed Megan’s number.

“Hello?”

“Hi Megan,” Tina said slightly nervous. “It’s Tina.”

“I gathered since nobody else really calls this late,” Megan laughed to ease some of the tension between her and Tina.

Tina chuckled at Megan’s attempt to lighten the situation with humor. Tina heard Sarah in the background as Megan began to talk softly to her in an effort to calm her.

“Is everything ok?”

“She’s either teething or sick,” Megan announced sadly. “I’m not sure which one, but I’m sincerely hoping it’s just her teeth.”

“I won’t take much of your time then,” Tina said kindly. “I remember what those days were like with Angelica. I wanted to see what time you’d be able to meet and talk again. I think it’s a good idea to talk about what you want from me in the short-term.”

“You want to tell Bette don’t you?”

“I feel guilty that I haven’t,” Tina admitted without thinking. “What’s your morning look like?”

“Bette is supposed to meet me at the gallery at 7:30.”

“I have an appointment at 8:00 that I need to keep,” Tina began to think aloud.

“Getting away from Bette is going to require some major effort. She thinks this show is my main priority so if I leave in the middle of the day, she’ll wonder why.”

“Believe me I know what Bette will think,” Tina said with a smile. “How early can you meet?”

“At the rate we’re going I won’t sleep at all tonight if Sarah doesn’t start to cooperate. You might as well come here since obviously you can’t sleep either.”

The flippant statement surprised Tina, but her curiosity of meeting Sarah outweighed the voice in her head that warned her it was not the wisest choice to make.

“Are you serious?”

“Originally no,” Megan admitted. “But if that works for you I wouldn’t mind you coming over. I’m just not sure how I’d manage to slip out of the gallery without Bette questioning me.”

“You wouldn’t consider it an intrusion?”

“Do you know where I’m staying?”

“Let me make sure it’s in this information,” Tina opened the file and smiled seeing Megan’s address. “I have it right here. It’s about 10 minutes from my house.”

“You’re familiar with it then?”

“Yes,” Tina shut the file and began to walk back inside whispering in an effort not to disturb Bette or Angelica. “Let me just leave a note for Bette so she isn’t worried if she wakes up.”

“See you when you get here,” Megan hung up without saying goodbye as Sarah broke out crying once more.

Tina shut her phone and slipped into the quiet bedroom, placing the note on her pillow to ensure Bette would see it if she woke up and saw Tina wasn’t there. She walked back out and grabbed her keys and purse, eager to discuss her thoughts with Megan, given that she had time to process a few of them since their earlier conversation.

Megan balanced Sarah on her hip as she bent down to pick up some toys that were scattered in the living room from playtime.

“Baby,” Sarah grabbed the baby doll from Megan’s hands quickly and hugged it.

Megan bent down to pick up another stuffed animal that Sarah demanded just as fast as she could pick it up.

“You can’t have all of these,” Megan smiled at her daughter. “Some of these have to go back in your toy chest before Tina gets here.”
Megan kicked some of the plastic Tupperware to the side that Sarah liked to bang on during the day. Megan’s mother came out to check on them, hearing the noise of Tupperware containers banging against one another.

“Is her fever any better?”

“I gave her Tylenol,” Megan said as she struggled to pick up the measuring cups Sarah had thrown around the room earlier. “We really need to make a practice out of cleaning up at night when she goes to bed.”

“It never bothered you before,” Megan’s mother sat down on the rocker watching Megan work to clean the room. “She only drags them back out in the morning and nobody ever comes over so what’s the point?”

“Tina is coming over,” Megan said nervously as she sat down with Sarah in her arms.

“Bette’s Tina?” Megan’s mother sounded shocked. “At this late hour?”

“It’s the only time we can meet with her job and me working with Bette on the show.”

“Do you know why she’s coming over?”

“I think it’s because she wants to tell Bette and I asked her not to without talking to me first.”

“You put her in a bad spot,” Megan’s mother quickly said. “She should share with her wife what’s going on, especially with something this big.”

“She put herself in a bad spot by researching me,” Megan said slightly annoyed. “I wasn’t ready to put anyone in any spot, but she left me no choice.”

Megan turned and faced the door when she heard the quiet knock. She looked at her mother with a smile adorning her face.

“Did you see how she knocked quietly?” Megan was proud of Tina. “She knows what to do Mom when it comes to kids. She didn’t want to disturb Sarah if she had fallen asleep.”

Megan walked to the door and opened it seeing a different Tina than the one she met with earlier. Instead of wearing an intimidating power suit, Tina was dressed very casual. Her hair was swept up drawing attention to her blue eyes that seemed to now have a softness that couldn’t be denied.

“Thanks for coming over,” Megan stepped to the side to allow Tina to walk through the door. “I just gave her Tylenol for her fever so I’m sure she’ll go down soon and we can talk uninterrupted.”

Tina stepped into the house, but didn’t take her eyes off the little girl in Megan’s arms. She was holding a baby doll close and snuggling her head into Megan’s neck trying to avoid Tina’s gaze.

“She’s a little shy,” Megan offered as an excuse for Sarah avoiding Tina’s smile.

“She’s adorable,” Tina said softly. “I’m sorry to intrude since you have your hands full, but I thought we should talk soon rather then later.”

“It’s really no problem,” Megan said as she led Tina to the living room and motioned for her to sit. “This is my mother Sandra.”

“Nice to meet you,” Tina extended her hand and shook the old woman’s offering her a genuine smile that caused Sandra to smile back.

“Can I get you something?”

“No thanks,” Tina sat down across from Sandra and Megan, as Megan just sat down with Sarah on her lap playing with her baby doll. “I wanted to tell you to your face that I plan on talking to Bette this morning about what we discussed.”

“Have you thought about what we discussed?” Megan pressed Tina.

“It’s all I’ve thought about since I left the gallery. But me keeping this from Bette has no purpose. It’s not a decision I can make on my own without her input.”

“I didn’t want you to make a decision as much as I wanted you to at least consider it and be comfortable with the idea.”

“I can’t get comfortable with an idea that I know is as big as this one,” Tina began to explain her mindset. “I can’t keep it from Bette and be comfortable with it.”

“I can understand that,” Megan said sheepishly.

“I think I’ll leave you two alone to talk,” Sandra rose from the couch and smiled at Tina. “It was very nice meeting you and I hope it won’t be the last time.”

Sandra excused herself and disappeared down a long hallway out of sight before the conversation, once again, commenced.

“I’m sorry I can’t just take my time and get used to an idea this big without Bette at least knowing.”

“I knew when I asked you to think about it before you talked to Bette it would be hard,” Megan began to speak. “I’m not looking for a commitment as much as I am looking for you to wrap your mind around it so that when you discuss it with Bette you both aren’t freaking out.”

“Oh she’ll freak.”

“You know her better than I do,” Megan said softly as Sarah began to whimper.

Megan held her close and felt her fever spike, causing her concern.

“Her fever just spiked,” Megan announced. “It’s too early to give her more medicine so I’ll have to do it the old-fashioned way.”

Megan got up and grabbed a washcloth from the kitchen as she balanced the tired girl on her hip.

“Can you hold her while I get a bowl of cool water to rub her down?” Megan asked hopeful that Tina would help.

“Sure,” Tina got up and took Sarah from her mother’s arms. “Her fever is high.”

Tina laid her cheek against the little girl’s head that rested on Tina’s shoulder. Tina took a deep breath and smiled at the scent of baby lotion that invaded her senses. Sarah’s hair was soft and smelled of baby shampoo causing Tina to inhale once more.

“I forgot how special babies smell when they’re this age,” Tina said softly as Sarah snuggled comfortably into the crook of Tina’s neck.

“You’re a natural,” Megan pulled a large bowl out and began to fill it with cool water. “I’m not sure if I should be thankful or jealous.”

“I’m sure it’s not easy for you,” Tina couldn’t even image the position Megan was in regarding her future. “I’m not sure how you have the strength to do what you’re doing.”

“I have no choice.”

“You do, you can fight and take treatment.”

“It’s too late for that,” Megan simply said. “I made my decision about that already. The tough part is knowing another woman will be the mother to my child. It’s likely I won’t survive Tina, my mother is old and ill herself, I can’t just leave my child without a future.”

“How do you do it?” Tina asked amazed at Megan’s strength.

“How do I do what? Hate you for having a possible future with my daughter but love you for being her family and knowing she’ll have an amazing life with you and Bette?”

Megan motioned for Tina to sit on the couch with Sarah and she quickly followed with the bowl of water and washcloth. She stripped the little girl of her pajama top and dunked the cloth in the cool water while Tina held Sarah on her lap.

“Dying isn’t the hard part of all of this,” Megan began to speak through tears as she began to wipe down Sarah to cool her off. “The tough part is knowing that the one person I love with all my heart will be someone else’s daughter after I’m gone. I want to make sure she’s well taken care of, that’s my job as her mother.”

“What about Janet’s family?”

“They disowned her when she came out to them,” Megan sadly said. “She hadn’t spoken to them for years before she died. I tried to contact them to tell them that she had died, but I wasn’t successful. I suspect it wouldn’t have mattered much to them if they didn’t want anything to do with her when she was alive.”

“That’s pathetic,” Tina said in anger. “As a mother I resent someone that would turn their back on their child because of the love they’ve found in their life. They should have just been happy she found love and rejoiced for her.”

“Not everyone is as open as you are.”

“Oh believe me I know,” Tina chuckled. “Melvin Porter being one of them.”

“A relative of Bette’s?”

“Her father,” Tina rubbed Sarah’s back to relax her even further. “He didn’t disown her, but he wasn’t the biggest fan of our relationship to put it mildly.”

“Did he ever come around?”

“When he was dying I think he did,” Tina said sadly. “It was so hard to tell because he was incoherent some of the time so I was never sure if he knew what he was saying or not.”

“I bet that crushed Bette.”

“She recovered I think,” Tina reflected on her answer. “She doesn’t talk about it much anymore.”

“Time will heal all wounds then?”

Tina saw Megan staring at Sarah sitting on Tina’s lap with tears in her eyes.

“She will always know you as her mother,” Tina tried to reassure in a kind voice. “Nobody could ever replace you or Janet in her eyes.”

“She’s too young to have to face all this loss so early.”

“She is,” Tina agreed sadly. “But she should know how much you and Janet loved her and wanted what was best for her.”

“If she isn’t with someone that can relay that to her,” Megan choked up and struggled to swallow. “How do you think she’ll come to know that?”

Tina remained silent knowing she did not have any answers to offer Megan. Sarah began to lean her head on Tina’s chest and close her eyes, drifting off to sleep.

“When do you plan on talking to Bette?” Megan asked quietly.

“When she wakes up.”

“So the next time she sees me, she’ll know I’m dying and asking you to raise my daughter,” Megan stated knowing she didn’t need confirmation.

“Does that make you nervous?” Tina asked.

“In a way it does, but in a way I’ll be glad it’s all out in the open.”

“She’ll want to be there for you,” Tina simply stated. “I know her well enough to know she won’t take this as well as we might hope.”

“Because of what I’ve asked?”

“No,” Tina smiled kindly at Megan. “Because she doesn’t deal well with loss when it’s someone she cares about.”

Megan finally allowed her tears to fall, knowing once daylight broke the woman that made an immense impact on her life without knowing it, would know her last dying wish.