Me, I’m Not…10

CH 17

I dreamt the truth last night.

After I tucked Shane and Carmen figuratively into bed. I sat on the balcony facing the rain soaked street and I thought to myself about the chain of events. I pondered A leading to B and so on. I thought about the taste of Catherine’s mouth when I kissed her that night knowing full well that I was going to take what I had earned for her. I thought about the idea that I would vanish for a little while and beg for mother’s help. I had it all planned really. A wonderful plan on how I would plead my case and beg for her understanding.

The draw back being I would not see my children. I could not, having stated that already I settle the thought in my mind as such: Winnie will give them what I can not, she will give them stability and mother would not deprive them of anything. I would fall into the role I inherited by my father and vanish for a while; after all I had my children now.

I looked over to Shane who fell asleep with her sneakers on. I looked over to Carmen who slept in the fetal position and I knew that I had to help mend the break between them. I was the main contributing factor in their relationship and I couldn’t fix myself without first fixing them.

And so I crawled very quietly unto the bed with Carmen soundless, next to me. And I closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep.

I dreamed the night of the robbery. I saw myself quite clearly in Catherine’s god-awful gaudy home. I saw myself prancing about in the silly chamber maid’s outfit, lighting the cigars of the men who arrived one by for her game of cards. I could feel their hands grabbing at me as I walked by filling their glasses with wine or ale or whatever was their fancy. I could smell that same noxious smell of the room and the heat and the pressure of their rising stakes. And Catherine’s eyes never leaving mine. I saw the same flicker of Shane’s headlights letting me know she was there and I knew it was time for me to move.