I Want to Believe

Since Tina had started dating women again, Bette has found herself wondering why she had not been enough for her.  Tonight was no different.  Jodi might be in the kitchen just making them some tea, but Bette sat on the couch looking at the Christmas tree and let her mind wander to Tina.  What did the woman who Tina is now dating have that she didn’t?  Was she better in bed? Was it because she had more money? … no, Tina isn’t that superficial.  All she ever wanted was for me to pay the bills, and she wasn’t asking for anything above and beyond; as I look back, I know that now.  Jodi calling to her from the kitchen brought her back to reality, which was sitting at home on Christmas Eve with her girlfriend as her family was across town. 

Bette walked into the kitchen and helped Jodi carry in the tea and cookies they were going to indulge in before going out.  As they sat down, Bette looked at Jodi.  It was as if it was the first time that Bette was really seeing Jodi, so Bette had to ask herself what they really had in common besides art and sex.  Their approach to art was certainly different and their sex life was satisfying but it wasn’t fulfilling.  There was an emotional void in her sex life since Tina left her.   “Bette, Bette” which brought her from her thoughts.  “Yes” said Bette.  “What is wrong?  You look so far away.”  Bette sighed; she knew she couldn’t talk to Jodi about what she was really thinking and feeling.  “I’m just wondering what Angelica is doing?  Last year we were spent together, but she wasn’t old enough to really understand much.  That is not the case this year.  She’s almost 3 and so excited about Christmas” Bette signed to Jodi.  Since Jodi didn’t really have that maternal pull, she couldn’t really understand what Bette was going through, so she asked, “Would you rather go to the Planet early than sit here?” and Bette just shock her head.  “Actually” Bette said, “if you don’t mind too much, I’d like to pass on going out with you and your friends tonight.  I just won’t be much company.”  Jodi looked at Bette with loathing, signing furiously, “I can’t believe you.  You said you’d go with me; we’ve had these plans for weeks.  Angelica is not coming here, so why would you let her distract you from living your life.  I try to be understanding when she is here that you need to be here too, but she’s not really your daughter, so I don’t understand why you’d rather sit here pining for her.” Bette’s eyes grew as she stood up, “Get out” she yelled cutting off Jodi’s rant.  “How dare you say she’s not my daughter.  That little girl is my whole life.  You are a fun distraction, but you can never compete with her because she’ll win every time.  So get out.  I don’t want to see you any more.”  Jodi was stunned; Jodi was convinced she was right, so she didn’t even make an attempt to fight Bette on this.  Jodi’s mind was set and it did not agree with Bette’s.