The night before

Helena sat on the windowsill und looked outside. It was a beautiful night with alot of stars and a bright shining moon. She had stayed, like the other weeks before, in her cell all day and had the sensation to isolate herself from the world more every day. Not only by staying out of sight and hiding, but in an emotional level too. Helena tried to bury all her feelings and emotions deep down inside herself. It would make it easier to bear everything.

She knew what would happened if nobody could get her out soon. Thinking about that, she hadn’t seen Ethan, she caughed his name by someone calling after him, since the day of Bette’s visit. He had been transfered to another sentry, because the guards exchanged their posts every now and then for a few days.

But she would be stupid to think, he wouldn’t come back for her. Because he would. She had seen the seriousness in his eyes an heard it in his voice. It was just a matter of time. For him those few days of displacement were like a twisted foreplay.

He knew he tormented her by leaving Helena with the feeling of absolute incertitude of what is gonna happen. He was so amused by his sick game that he nearly squealed with glee and almost couldn’t wait anymore in anticipation.

That’s why Helena tried to block off all sorts of feelings and emotions. She wished she could be internally dead . She wished she had no heart which could bleed so badly and hurt so easily . She wanted to be numb inside. The problem was, it wasn’t so easy for a person with a kind, emotion filled and a strong beating heart to stop feeling all at once.

And she felt it. She felt the fear gripping at her and not letting go. She wanted to kill the fear and the pain within her. But how do you kill something so strong inside yourself? What can you do to distract yourself, even for the slightest moment, from your internal pain? The answer was brutal but simple; she had to fight against it with the same feeling she felt inside. Pain. She needed physical pain.