Leaning my head back on the lounger, I look up at the stars and try to focus my thoughts.  Looking up at the clear, night sky, I’m briefly reminded of the weekend up at Big Bear and my thoughts shift to the woman in my bed.  She is an incredibly talented, dynamic and winsome woman.  Our relationship has opened my eyes to so much of what I want and need in a partnership, both of my partner and of myself.  With Jodi, I have been challenged at every turn and grown as a result.  I still have more room for improvement – such is life, I know, but I also know now that the changes that are still to come in me can only be for one other person beside me; and it’s not the woman lying in my bed. My time with Jodi has been rewarding, and I truly hope that the next step I have to take will not greatly impair our working relationship.  

I realize now that perhaps it would have been the wiser choice to seriously consider Jodi’s modus operandi and not insist upon an exclusive relationship.  But to do that is just not in my nature; my monumental fuck-up with the carpenter not withstanding of course, and of course now there is that kiss to consider.  Try as I might, I can’t in good conscience (believe me, the irony of that statement does not elude me) think of that kiss as me being unfaithful.  “First, last and forever,” I whisper to myself.  Is that concept still possible?   

Allowing myself to relax back into the lounger, I drift back to last weekend and let my body remember the sensation of Tina in my arms; twice within nearly 36 hours.  Even now, I could still feel the heat from her body.  I was a little taken aback that Tina and I ended up having to partner up for that last lesson in the self-defense class, truth be told, I was still somewhat shocked (and yes, a little, ok a lot jealous) at the revelation of her having slept with the heart doctor on the first date.  As much as I wanted to take her into my arms right then and never let go, I also had this strange compulsion to run as far away from her as possible and hide.  To hide my hurt and disappointment that once again she’d not chosen me.  Yes I know that based on circumstances I wasn’t literally available as a choice, but isn’t it always there with us?  Hidden amongst the fine print?  For the time being I’ll ignore my (somewhat ill-founded) feelings of rejection and just wallow in the memory of having Tee in my arms again.