Earlier at the party I’m pretty sure that Tina had probably had a drink or two by the time I saw her, but she was far from buzzed.  And when I rushed out of there after that fucking actress asked me to answer her “whys” and then Tina headed me off before I could make it into the house, I know she had to have still been relatively sober.  Does that make her answer to my question easier or harder to bear?  Was her answer the truth?  I know mine wasn’t, I mean my god, I stuttered to get the words out, could my true feelings have not been any more obvious?  Did she really have to ask that question of me? 

She accused me of being in love with Jodi back when we were at The Planet for Kit’s performance.  While I told her that it was too early to tell, and that was the truth, there was a part of me that was growing to care deeply for the woman I was seeing.  But love, being in love?  No that is something I’ve been blessed to feel only once, well twice – including Angelica, it is something that I feel now.  That is what I should have told her that night, and last night.  But she told me that she was attracted to Kate, that she would see where it would lead.  According to Tina, nothing happened there but now she’s dating again, she’s got Alice and Shane as her wing women, picking out women for her.  She slept with someone on the first date; someone who she thinks is hot, who talks dirty with her….Ugh, why do I antagonize myself with these thoughts, this isn’t doing me any good.

But last night she said that she regrets our kiss, it was a mistake, a kiss that I initiated.  I know though that she kissed me back, I did not imagine that.  She had been drinking that night also, but that couldn’t have been the reason for her response to that kiss, could it?  Oh God was she just kissing me out of sympathy….or worse, imagining me, wishing me to be someone else, that doctor?  No, she was kissing me like she used to, like she wanted to, like it was….how it was for most of our time together.  Before there was Henry, Helena or Candace, before Provocations, before the fucking CAC and fucking Franklin.  I can still feel her hands in my hair, holding me close to her, not letting our lips part, her hand trailing down, caressing my face, to my neck and then down my arm, finally over my collarbone and along my breast. Her speech didn’t falter though, just a few hours earlier and she looked me in the eye when she stated that she did regret that kiss.  Damnit, why can’t I read her anymore….I used to know her so well.  Shaking my head to clear the doubts from my mind, I refuse to accept that she thinks it was a mistake. What I said to her was true, we were caught up in a moment, but it was so much more than that.