I am subdued faith, each day I lose a little piece of that life.  Easy to remember, so hard to forget.  It’s the little things that remind me of her. Her fast hot breaths as unsteady as they were, were simply entrancing on the small of my back. Her soft forceful hands gently holding my hips brings thoughts to mind that are intangible. I can still feel her quivering lips against my neck, and the warm breath on my breasts. Weird how every moment feels like I’m touching her body. Each muscle flinching under my hands upon contact.

Every body I touch now seems transparent and void of any character not really there in these moments with me. I’m alone when they touch me. Each body reaching for something that isn’t theirs, and certainly no longer mine to give. She took that with her a long time ago and never gave a second to giving it back. They all seem to think I’ll change for them, thinking they could reach the inner turmoil that is in my being. Truth be told I wish they could, that way I can feel again and see them as they truly are. I think I’ve given up the hope that they have the physical, emotional and mental prowess to give me back the person I used to be.  I never wanted to be this person, I never wanted this life for myself.

Somehow she meant more to me than I could ever put into words. Her soft and gentle characteristics the perfect contrast to the rigid, driven, and sometimes abrupt exterior I presented to people. I would’ve told you the sky was green and grass was blue if she’d have told me so. She had that quality about her that made you fall for everything she said and believe in the words that she spoke so mesmerically to you. I don’t want to think about her everyday but I find myself associating everything with her. The most innate object always makes space in my day to attach her to it, somehow. 

Life seems to pass me by in a high paced dream. I say dream and not day because this all seems so surreal it can’t be true. Waking up and finally freeing myself is not a possibility, though I’ve tried. I touch and see people everyday though they want to get in I can’t let them past the armor that shields me from their humanity. Every person with a warm smile and friendly hello seems like a low beam of light. I don’t see them anymore.

I’ve made love to her a thousand times in an empty bed. Pretending my hands are hers as I feel myself losing control. Or envisioning her body writhing under mine as I take advantage of my open heart. Falling asleep as the realizations hit me and tears drain me of consciousness. Waking up to find myself more naked and exposed than I was yesterday. Fear stained and opened heart closing just enough to get me through the day. I still can’t believe she did this to me.

It’s funny to think today would’ve been my 7 year anniversary. She…

“Bette you still on break or what, Darling?!”

TBC………………..