I don’t know what I was thinking to step out on her. I guess I really wasn’t. I mean, despite our recent months of disconnect, Tina has always been there for me. And she’s been there whether I acknowledged her or not. I know I was self centered but I thought I needed to support our growing family at any cost. And to do that, I had to focus. But what I hadn’t realized then, is that I’d lost focus. I’d lost focus of what I was working for. And when I did that, I lost what was most important to me. Tina.

I started with Candace. I know I did. I felt it that night in the club. When Slim Daddy asked if she was my woman. As I watched her watching Kit. When I looked in her eyes and invited her to the CAC. I put forth in motion what would be my absolute destruction. Candace knew I wanted her. I’d led her to it. I was so intoxicated by the newness. She didn’t know my baggage. She didn’t smell my shit. She just enjoyed me. In the jail, I tried to let cooler heads prevail but I just needed a taste. So we went too far. And from there, it was a very slippery slope before I let her fuck me.

I could fell myself reaching, but I was reaching in the wrong direction. Why didn’t I tell Tina I was falling apart from the inside out? Why didn’t I voice my fears, tell her I was on the edge and about to jump? Oh, right, I remember. Because I wanted to protect her. I didn’t want her to see me vulnerable. I wanted to continue my strong front for her. I thought she needed to be sure she could undoubtedly count on me.

So then why did I let myself get caught? I knew very well that Tina could stumble upon us. Any of our friends could have and most of the people there knew Tina was my partner. I certainly could have taken Candace somewhere private, where no one could find us. But I didn’t. Why? Was that my way of hammering the final nail in the coffin of my life? Oh, no that came later and I am getting ahead of myself.

When I left Candace standing there, I went in search of Tina. It took me a while to maneuver through the loads of congratulations. “This is the highlight of your career, Bette” some would say. Few knew that soon I would totally obliterate my life.

When I found Tina, she was staring at an Alex Flick painting of a woman, reaching into her body and tearing out her heart. I paid little attention to the significance when I asked if she was ready to head home. I held her hand as I led her out of the center, to our car. I didn’t notice the vacant look in her eyes, or her silence during the ride. Maybe because I talked incessantly, recapping the evening, replaying conversations, beaming about my own success.

But when I walked in the room and I saw her face, I knew she knew. Instead of denying it, I offered a weak, shallow, “I’m sorry.” And I deserved it when she slapped me. I deserved it when she screamed, “Fuck you!” I deserved it all. I’d devastated her.


I didn’t mean to tackle her but suddenly, suddenly I had clarity of focus. I couldn’t lose Tina, I just couldn’t. I felt as though I had to fight for my survival. I needed a connection with her. I needed to feel her feeling me and know that my “I love you,” was sincere. I really didn’t intend to force her but she wouldn’t let go. I just knew that if she’d let me, she’d know. She could tell that I loved her and only her. And while I fucked my wife seconds after apologizing for fucking another, I poured myself out to her.

Her orgasm came hard and fast and as she lay in my arms moments later, I thought “I did it.” I had her. But when I woke up, she was gone.