Chapter Ten

Bette Porter narrative

I know it sounds stupid as hell, but I felt betrayed. Tina and I were in no relationship whatsoever, but I felt betrayed.

As I have started to mentally claim her, as if I had started to see her as someone who could only get along with me and I had forgotten to let her know. She had become so important in my life and this had to happen to make me realize it.

I thought about Tina all weekend and what I wanted from her. Talking to her was great. She knew what questions she wasn’t supposed to ask and when I didn’t want to talk about something, she seemed to sense it. She didn’t understand me completely, but she also didn’t tell me she did.

She was so valuable to me, and I felt a total ass for the way I had treated her. Seeing her with Shane made me go through so much emotions and I started to see what kind of person I was. I didn’t want to be a good person to nobody, but I wanted to be good for Tina. I hadn’t realized that before.

“Tina… I need you,” I whispered to nobody in particular. I was a total bitch. Tina had so much patience with me and she was the only one and I treated her so shitty. I felt really bad about it. I wanted to break up with Billy and go to Tina to kiss her and tell her how I felt and how sorry I was, but I couldn’t.

Just the thought of breaking up with Billy felt like an enormous freedom, but there was no way I could actually do it. I couldn’t hurt him like that, I couldn’t screw up my own life like that. It was my last year at high school, I could break up with Billy after it. I knew it was bitchy of me to make him believe I loved him and than just dump him like that, after 5 years, but by the time I had figured it would go like that. There was no need to make those last months on high school a living hell by outing myself as a lesbian, embarrassing Billy, and just be honest about Tina. It wouldn’t be good for Tina either. Billy would be hurt and everyone would not only blame me, but also Tina.