Thirteen

It builds inside of me long enough to make me break. Shatter into a million dirty guilty little pieces. Her hair is so soft brushing against my neck. Her tongue licks all the sweat that collects on my throat. I close my eyes and just let the feel carry me to a place where Shane begins not to matter.

The pulsing beat of my heart matched with Natasi and now everything is confused. And it shouldn’t be. But here’s the thing. When Shane vanished off the face of the earth when she came back and when they told me what I had to do to save her, well everything changed. And most of it not really for the better. Natasi is an indulgence. One that I am losing control over. Imagine my surprise to find her still with Pavel. Its how we met. Who she works for I don’t know. What her true mission is, that I don’t know. If I could get out of this bed, get her to stop fucking me, get me to stop fucking her, get Shane to stop dying, get away from this…..Can I fall so far off the grid and I don’t know….find a way to get Shane to forgive and come with me….well that will be a fucking hoot wouldn’t it?’

My feeling betrays me. And imagine if they would have kept me on the cocktails. I’d be dying just like Shane, I’d be more alive just like Shane, I’d be a walking marshmallow just like Shane.

God fucking damnit!

Sneaking off with Shane, meeting up in closets, the bathroom…..I guess it was something akin to love. So what’s with Natasi? Why can’t I get control and think? As it stands and sits, and sucks and mucks it all to hell all I can think is….this is all so fucking perfect. This is not about love. This is not about making things right. This is about feelings. My body loves Natasi that much I know….but everything else……is all about Shane. But Shane doesn’t exist anymore does she? And therein lurks the conflict. Can I care enough to forget that Shane is gone?