CHAPTER 10

At the beginning of my story, I remember telling you that one Thursday afternoon, Carmen came to me.
You know, I have always liked Carmen.
Right from the start.
She is smart, and funny, and passionate, and she has that smoking hot body… she smiles like a child but fucks like a goddess, as far as I know. And… well, I find quite difficult to resist her, or to imagine that anybody could resist her.
As I already told you, I would have probably
– surely –
hit on her if it wasn’t for Shane.
I mean, Shane is my best friend and Carmen was her wife.
The love of her life.
Before Carmen, I had never seen Shane really in love with anybody.
Carmen changed it all.
And Shane settled down.
And I know that Carmen loved, still loves Shane more than everything else.
And I didn’t want to fuck it up.
But that Thursday afternoon, when she came to me, I was close to lose it.
So close.

Flashback – Carmen

When Alice’s assistant opens the door and sees me, I can clearly see a look of pure embarrassment and discomfort into her eyes.
Anyway, I try not to pay attention to it as I smile at her, politely.
“Mrs. Morales, good afternoon”, she greets me, stepping aside to let me in.
“Good afternoon, Dylan”, I answer, as my high heels tick on the marble floor.
“Miss Pieszecki is busy”, she adds then, guiltily.
I duck my head and smile again.
“Please, Dylan. Just tell her that I am here. Alice is my friend”.
She seems torn for a second.
Then, she disappears behind the door of Alice’s office.
I can hear their muffled voices, from where I stand.
“Miss Pieszecki. There is someone for you”, Dylan is saying.
“Who?”.
No reply.
I can hear Alice walking across the room.
“Use words, Miss Moreland”.
“Mrs. Morales”.
No answer by Alice.
I look down, at the floor.
“I didn’t think I should leave her in reception…”, Dylan adds, sheepishly.
“What with all the… you know”.
Alice sighs soundly.
“Yeah, I know… Yeah, I know!”, she exclaims, defeated.
“Let her in”.
The door opens and Dylan just smiles at me.
I don’t reply and I just enter Alice’s studio, closing the door behind my back.
“Carmen!”, Alice says, acting surprised and hugging me.
“Hi, Al”, I reply.
There is a minute of uncomfortable silence between us.
Alice sits at her desk and gestures for me to take a seat.
“You really shouldn’t be here because it might be viewed by some as unethical”, she says immediately, smiling at me.
Her eyes are questioning, as if she’s trying hard to figure out what I want from her.
I sit down on the chair, right in front of her desk, crossing my legs in a purposefully slow way.
I notice the quick glance she gives me.
“Well…”, I murmur, placing my purse on the floor, “I am here… ethical or not”.
Alice stares at me for a long time.
Then, she opens a drawer and takes a small tape recorder.
She carefully places it on the desk.
“You don’t mind if I tape this, do you?”, she starts, uncomfortably.
“Just so no one gets confused about what was said…”.
I just blink, shaking my head slowly.
She pushes the “REC” button and clasps her hands over the desk.
“So, Carmen… What can I do for you?”, she asks me in a very professional tone.
I rake my fingers through my hair.
“Well, since you’re the one who advised Shane to move back in…”, I say, frankly, “…I thought you would advise her to move out”.
Alice narrows her eyes, half-smiling that lawyer smile of hers.
“Why? Sounds like you two have things worked out, with the red areas and the green areas”.
I sigh, ducking my head.
“Alice, ever since this thing started, I have had trouble sleeping”, I say, quietly.
“Most mornings I wake up sobbing”.
Alice looks down.
“I am sorry. That’s shitty”.
“But this morning…”, I interrupt her, “…I woke up screaming”.
She stares at me, her face unreadable.
“And I couldn’t stop. I need this to end. This has to end”.
Alice exhales, slowly and deeply.
“Carmen, maybe you should ask yourself why all this shit is happening. Maybe you and Shane can come back toget –“.
“No”, I cut in.
“Don’t ask me that. It’s too late”, I state, shaking my head.
“Do you still love her?”, Alice asks quietly, after a long time.
I don’t reply.
“Carmen… do you?”, she repeats, in a whisper.
“This is not a talking point”, I murmur.
Alice switches off the recorder.
“I am not asking you that as a lawyer, but as a friend. Okay? Carm… Just answer to my question”.
I swallow back the unexpected tears that are making their way to my eyes.
“I do. But I still want to obtain a divorce”.
“Why?”, Alice asks, in a sweet, affectionate voice.
“Because she cheated on me. Because she ignored me for months. Because she doesn’t love me anymo –“.
“You can’t say that. You can’t even think that”.
I shake my head, closing my eyes for a second.
“Because we are not good for each other anymore”, I say then, staring at her.
“That’s bullshit”.
“Let me be the judge of my marriage, please, Alice”.
Alice closes her mouth and leans back against her chair.
“I am here to talk with Shane’s lawyer, not with my friend Alice”, I add.
She doesn’t reply.
She just stares at me, attentively.
“This has to end”, I repeat, finally.
Alice sighs heavily.
“Okay… You wanna talk to a lawyer? Alright. I suggest selling the house…”.
“No!”, I snap.
Alice licks her lips and nods.
“Okay. You both seem to agree on that”.
Nobody talks for an endless time.
Eventually, I get up and turn around the desk, sitting on it. I turn Alice’s chair with my feet, so she can look at me straight in the eyes.
A terrible feeling of guilt and void fills me up as I place my high-heel shoe between Alice’s legs.
“Alice”, I say, in a flat tone, “I don’t have much money, but I could pay you”.
Alice swallows, glancing at my leg.
“That’d be illegal”.
The tip of my shoe slowly brushes the zip of her trousers and she jolts a little.
“Look, I know you’re not with Dana anymore…”, I say, huskily, “…And that’s the only reason why I am doing this…”.
I let my words linger in the air for a minute, the tip of my shoes still moving slightly against Al’s trousers.
She seems hypnotized, torn, tempted.
“…What would it take to get you help me, Alice?”, I finally ask, sexily.
Alice blinks repeatedly, as if she’s coming out a reverie, and swallows.
She gently removes my leg from the seat of her chair.
“Come on, Carmen. I haven’t been into feet since 2003”, she mutters, blushing.
I put my hands on the armrests of her chair.
“Have you ever made angry love?”, I ask, our noses almost touching.
“Is there any other way?”, she replies immediately, glancing at my neckline.
“Alice…”.
She shakes her head, rubbing her eyes.
“Carm, stop it! This is ridiculous”, she exclaims, chuckling anxiously.
“I don’t know why you’re doing this. I know you don’t want to”.
“But you do”.
“Maybe… I don’t know. But it’s ridiculous anyway. I know you love Shane. And you don’t have to sell yourself to get what you want”.
Alice gets up and steps away from me.
“You wanna settle this? Let’s all sit down and work it out then. Let’s find some compromise”, she exclaims.
“There is no compromise”, I reply immediately.
Alice throws her hands in the air.
“Then I can’t help you”.
We stare at each other.
I grab my purse, walking towards the door.
“Worth a shot”, I mumble, stopping for a second in front of her.
“You know where I am if you change your mind”, I finally add, before turning the door knob.
As far as I reach the safe privacy of my car, I start sobbing uncontrollably.