CHAPTER 5

And we run.

We run outside the door, we climb inside Shane’s jeep, Dante following us with the Alfa Romeo he hired and I find myself thinking, uselessly, where he’s going to stay, if he booked a room somewhere. Stupid useless thought.

Dante interrupted me while I was speaking to Tasha and I was already starting to feel better, because Bette and Tina and little Angelica were fine, and Alice and Tash were sleeping in their apartment and nothing had happened.

And then Dante appears in the doorframe telling me that WAX is burning and that we have to go. And me, I am staring at him mouth agape, the receiver pressed against my chest and Tasha’s muffled voice calling me out.

And now we’re running in the middle of the night, tyres screeching on the black concrete pavement of the street, and everything looks so unreal that I wonder if I’m not dreaming. Because yes, this must be a fucking awful nightmare and in a second I’ll wake up and Shane will be by my side and I won’t have to worry about anything anymore.

But it’s not a dream and the scar on my head is itching again. I scratch it absent-mindedly, throwing a lopsided look at Shane who’s driving wordlessly. Her lips are pursed and her green eyes glimmer with fear and worry and an intricate variety of emotions that I cannot discern.

How am I feeling? I don’t know.

It looks like this last year hasn’t passed at all. Looks like we’re turning back time and going back to a moment in our life when we were just running around full of angst and uncertainties. What I do know for sure, is that nobody is going to knock me down this time.

One year ago I was weak and I couldn’t trust myself. I was starting to re-build my own feelings for Shane and I had a lot of shit to deal with. This time, everything looks more familiar in a wicked, sick way. At least, I am dealing with a transitional period of my life which I’m well aware of. With days that I remember well.

One year ago Shane needed my help so much and I didn’t even recognize her face. I didn’t feel like a support, I felt like I was lying heavy on her, with my missing pieces of life, with my insecurities, with an abortion to deal with.