Previously on The L Edition:
“It’s okay I have a friend who introduced me to Romi I told her about you and your unique eye for fashion and she cut me a small deal. I just simply have to grace her with your presence and a small fee, so she can donate it to her charity. Which I think makes me feel more satisfied knowing that it’s going to charity and not straight into someone’s back pocket. She hopes to be graced with your presence soon she’s already knows so much about you and your life”



“You know Romi; well you have met her that is quite something. And she wants to meet me what do I have to offer? Oh she probably knows of me because of The Peabody Foundation and all that history. I can’t thank you enough. You truly are the best aren’t you? She smiled freely as her eyes narrowed with the image of herself in this designer label and the affect it had on her skin.



“We better get going because I want to miss the traffic and I’ve got to drive you across town and make it back on time to pick up my caffeine fix before I head to the office.” I winced as I desperately wanted to entangle my body in those gorgeous long legs all day long. Breathing in her heavenly scent, not noticing the time as it creeps away but I knew I had an important meeting this morning and could not afford to show my poor effort. I really needed a raise this year to help Alice and Dana with their wedding ceremony.

*************


I dropped Helena to work, and then carried myself to work. It was a beautiful morning as I heard the birds tweeting away on the roof tops. The rustling of the leaves on the trees and the crisp sharpness that filled my lungs was aromatic.

As I stepped into the office it was chaotic, I simply wished I’d took a sick day and lured Helena back into bed to share some more passionate infused moments together. I was getting ambushed left right and centre by co-workers to do with a particular artistic piece that a student had produced.

Instead of simply moving this piece of art it was left in clear view of Marc Fitzgerald, the District Director of Art for Los Angeles to see. And let’s just say he wasn’t best pleased to put it politely and this threw me into the deep end. A lot of mess to clear up before my name would be shining in lights again, let’s just hope Phyllis doesn’t have ago at me because I’m really holding out for this raise.

I scrapped my fingers roughly through my hair, as I stared down at the work load I had piled high on my desk, I wasn’t sure where to even begin. I had a class sculpture tutorial to take place this week with Jodi Lerner the new art teacher, introducing her to her role and management of the class. Amongst this was preparation for the new and upcoming art show of ‘beauty beholds’ also involving Jodi and trying to get her up to speed with all of this would be a hard job to take on. So many months of overall background into this for the show for her to be up to speed on where all her students were up to an had other overviews of work that had been completed this semester.

I had this feeling I couldn’t shake I knew that I was in love with Helena, and that Helena felt something for me but there was this hard exterior to break free of as to why she couldn’t be free with me. If I didn’t know any better it had to be an ex girlfriend or boyfriend. Maybe it’s actually a boyfriend and she doesn’t quite know how to manage her feelings and accept this change in her life. It’s something that is definitely meddling with our relationship in order for us to maintain and establish what we both want or desire from this relationship we have to be honest.

And that should start with me if I don’t express why at times I myself can feel cautious of situation, my own understanding of life, dealings with my inner-self then I can not expect Helena to pour her heart out to me if I do not do the same in return.

Even though life is painful and through previous experiences it can only make you, stronger sometimes you need that extra bit of push to lay those feelings what might have past to rest. I shook my head as I thought about how I had done this before let myself be vulnerable only for my heart to be tossed, cut up in pieces and thrown in the road for a car to simply finish of any desire I thought I could have to recover. But with love it is something you have to do either put it your all or not at all either way this deciphers your relationship and that’s if in actual fact you could call it this.

My mind cast back to work as I thought about another implication I would have to work beyond and that would be Jodi’s disability I simply did not want to penalise or persecute her because of this. In fact it made me see how uninvolved I am with different separations with life itself. She was a woman of greater knowledge and did simply put her claws into my skin and draw blood but I simply enjoyed our previous meeting and how she chose to challenge my work ethic. Unbeknownst to her I was simply thrilled that I had someone challenging enough to not always agree with me and take my mind into other aspects of direction.

Does it work that you become more in touch with other senses if you simply weren’t granted them all? Did something happen for one sense to be absent? I bet the best lovers are two people who do not share the same senses and simply search for something deeper than face value, not taking for granted what they actually have instead embrace it.

*****************

I remember along time ago that I felt like I was on the other side of the fence for feeling different when I met a girl called Rachel who moved on to our block, I wasn’t the kid who played outside because I was teased for the colour of my skin. As the majority of the area I lived in was mainly white populated. Although there was my family and a few others, we knew this was not somewhere we were particularly allowed too just walk down the street. So we stayed indoors whenever possible to avoid conflict.

But I remember Rachel joining my Class in middle school and her family were quite high in the society ladder, but she was unwilling to let that affect the fact she wanted to become my friend. She was undeterred and would sneak out from her nanny to come and visit me and my family. She was one of the first people that I had met that knew me for what was beneath the surface. We would talk about everything and explore things together whenever we had the opportunity to do so, she would stay over when her parents went on business trips. Her nanny was at all bothered about Rachel’s absence as it meant she didn’t have to provide her culinary or domestic skills.

It was a blessing in disguise as her parents went away at least once a week. My family loved her but not as much as I did. I think the feelings I did feel for her back then were of love and not just of pure innocent friendship.
But when I was 13 she moved away, and I haven’t seen her since.

She sat crying on my front door step, while she held onto me as tight as she could. “I will never forget you Lizzy Porter”. She whimpered through her sobs as I held onto her with all my might she had been my closest friend for so long and knew me inside out. That day was one of the saddest days of my life.

I wonder where Rachel is now; wherever she is I know she is probably saving the world. She was such a beautiful soul.

***************

It was 3am and I hadn’t managed to fall asleep yet, although my body ached it wouldn’t let me drift into a deep slumber. I had to be up for work in a few hours so things already weren’t looking up for my next day. I decided that I needed something to do to make me tired, I was contemplating calling Helena but I knew it was late and didn’t want to wake her. So I decided to do something a little like ‘You’ve Got Mail’, and write Helena an email.

To Hels,

Since I’ve met you my life has only changed for the better, you know when you feel like you’ve known someone in a past life well that’s what it feels like with you. I have noticed you have been withdrawn and something is lurking behind your crystal eyes I just want you to know that I’m here for you and always will be.

You know before you asked about my ex Laura-Li well here it is, I did everything I could to make her happy and I guess it was just never good enough for her. I thought we would be together forever but in the end she left me and is now in love with someone else. It turns out she wasn’t in love with me like I thought, she cut me deeply and it still hurts to think back to the times when me and her were still an item. She did break my heart and I thought I would die without her but luckily Alice and Dana were there to get me through it, I don’t know what I would have done without them by my side. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this sooner, but it just didn’t feel like it was the right time that night. We had a magical night and I didn’t want to ruin it by bringing it up my horrid past. I hope you understand that it wasn’t my intentions to hide this side of my self from you.

I want for us to be able to share our past, present and future with one another because I love you Miss Peabody I truly do and I want you to know that I don’t expect you to say it back but I just wanted you to know that your name is imprinted on my heart.

Forever and Always
Your Bette
X

I flipped down my laptop screen and took in a deep breath and sighed hazily. I was finally tired, and climbed into the bed coaxing myself up into the sheets. I lay there caressing the side of the bed Helena slept the night before. I wished she was there; I wanted her to be with me. I thought about her for awhile before I tried to get some shut eye.

********************
Helena woke the next morning feeling a little worse for wear, she had indulged in a night cap which she now regretted but at the time it numbed any feelings that were floating around in her portal. She encircled her temple’s to relieve some tension that had built through her intoxication of Vodka the night before.

She crawled out of her bed only to get caught off guard by her reflection in the full length mirror, she was ashamed of the woman staring back at her. All her simple beauty drained, she brought both her hands to her face cupping her cheeks. A single tear trickled down her cheek; it splashed hard against her hand followed by a freefall of more tears. She collapsed into a heap on the floor; she sobbed incessantly trying hard to catch a breath through her sobs. Looking down at her legs which were bare, she saw the tiny scars of her past with Tiffany, a constant reminder of this battle with her heart. Helena traced her finger over them, feeling the raised skin and ugly texture of them. She was trying to stop herself from sobbing so hard but she didn’t have much strength to push them back, she screamed. “Fuck you Tiffany. Why did I deserve this? I’m left here with my fucking heart in pieces because of you. I can’t allow myself to trust my own heart to fall again after you, how can I crash this hard? I’m falling apart, and I need help because this just keeps bringing me down and I can’t keep going on like this. Otherwise I will die and suffocate in my own suffering”.

She pulled her tiny frame from the floor, and stood positioning herself in full view of the mirror she tossed her frizzy brown mane over her shoulders. Looking at her own face she strained her jaw to produce a semi-smile, but as she looked at her body she turned from side to side to visibly see her shape. Her smile became broader even though the majority of her scars were an off whitish colour was in full view she continued to allow her appearance to divulge into her mind.

She smiled because she knew this was a turning point in her life and the next exit she was taking would be the last one. The haze that had glazed her eyes for the best 2 years was slowly smoothing over them. Suddenly life seemed a whole lot different like the dead weight she had been carrying around with her for so long had been dumped she felt light. She observed the room and inhaled the apple and spice aroma that filled her lungs quickly exhaling and turning towards the music player. She chose a track particularly to fit the new found life altering change that was just beginning within her soul. Helena decided on the cover version of ‘I’m coming out’ by Amerie. Something funky and something to reflect this transition that was taking place.

She sang along to the song;
“I’m coming out (I’m coming)
I want the world to know
Got to let it show (I’m coming)
I’m coming out (Coming)
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

There’s a new me coming out
And I just have to live
And I wanna give
I’m completely positive
I think this time around
I just wanna do it
Like you never knew it
Ooh, I’ll make it through

The time has come for me
To break out of the shell
I have to shout
That I am coming out

I’m coming out (I’m coming)
I want the world to know
Got to let it show (I’m coming)
I’m coming out (Coming)
I want the world to know
I got to let it show (I’m coming)

I’ve got to show the world
All that I wanna be
And all my abillities
‘Cause there’s so much more to me
Somehow, I have to make them
Just understand
I got it well in hand
And, oh, how I’ve planned
I’m spreadin’ love
There is no need to fear
And I just feel so good
Everytime I hear:


I’m coming out (Coming)
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I’m coming out (yeah, yeah)
I want the world to know (want the world to know)
I got to let it show (I’m coming)

I’m coming out(im coming)
Say I’m coming out, yeah

I’m coming out (Coming)
I want the world to know
Got to let it show (ohh, I’m coming out, yeah)
I’m coming out (yeah)
I want the world to know
I got to let it show”

Helena danced around as she sang twirling like she was wearing a dress or a skirt letting her hair cascade onto her shoulders floppily. Pointing in the mirror at herself as the words took their notion and informative step towards regaining her self-worth. As her voice projected throughout she sought out a new lease of life that had rapidly took over her mind, body and soul. She picked up the phone and called directories to get the number for a therapist. She wanted this to be a permanent fixture and not a short term fleet of feeling fine then getting caught in the fire once again. She believed this to be the only way in order to give all of her in a relationship it had to start from within and work its way out.

Although she knew this was going to be a long hurdle she could already she the finish line in sight, her heart free from the barbed wire piercing it. It would be repaired and she would feel easier about opening all of herself to Bette. She wanted Bette to know the Helena Peabody she used to be before, so much of that had been lost and needed salvaging but she would be back there within time. Time was something she though carefully about and Bette as to whether or not to share this with her while she went through this process. She was uncertain about letting Bette know before her first session which was now scheduled for Thursday.

Although she had relinquished some of her traumas the idea of Bette wanting to come to that session with her would be unbearable. She knew that Bette would want to be close by but that was just not an option for her right now this had to be done on her and on her terms for once.