Wings

You’re lying there, watching her. The love of your life, the woman you want to spend every second that’s left for you with. Her chest is softly rising, her breath a mesmerizing sound. Her eyes are closed and she looks so very vulnerable, you are suddenly filled with the huge need to protect her against anything and anyone that tries to harm her and you don’t understand how anyone would want to in the first place.

You love her and you know it, but does she? This perfect creature lying beside you, so far away in her dreams, is yours… but for how long? Does she dream about you and what life together was like? Because you know it has changed. You know and still it seems like you can’t do anything about it, like an external power determines your actions and words and you can’t fight it, it’s too strong. You know it’s bullshit.

She is yours, you are the one that makes love to her. You used to be able to say that you were the one that made love to her every night, but lately that would be a lie. You wonder why your sex life has grown so poor and at the same time, you don’t. You feel it’s because of you. You don’t give her enough attention altough you know she’s going crazy within these walls of your house – she wants to be out and do things and have a job and you feel like you’re stopping her. It was a joint decision that she would quit her job in order to prepare her body for pregnancy, but that was a year ago. You gave up your gallery, which was your entire life and heart and soul, well, after her. You got a job at the CAC to have a stable financial situation.

Have you stopped desiring her? No, absolutely not. All these insiminations just take so much of you. Making love isn’t the same anymore, it is only trying to insiminate. It’s about conceiving a child, not about reaching a mind-blowing orgasm and leaving her satisfied. You hate yourself for it, because you were always so proud to satify her in bed like no other could. But you can’t help it, you want a baby, you only ask for a baby and she can’t even give you that and there it is. You close your eyes briefly, feel the tears behind your eyes. You feel panicky, you shouldn’t think like that. She has given you everything – love, devotion, trust, her body… you were her first and hopefully last woman. She has given you understanding, she has been there for you when things were rough and her smile used to make you so happy. It probably still does, but how would you know if she never smiles anymore? Is it because of you?