Shane was laying on her back in her bed frustrated, and staring at her ceiling wasn’t helping.

Shane: Fuck

She screamed for the numerous time into the darkness. She felt unnerved or as Jenny helped her to describe dismantled. Yes she looked it up in the dictionary and that helped her to describe exactly how she felt when she merely thought of Ryan. Ryan she wanted to say her name with disdain but she couldn’t. Ryan had done something to her gotten under skin like nobody could but Shane had fucked up. In the past she could do that to girls, offer them a kind word, some flowers, and a little bit of sex appeal and they were looking at her like she was a God again, but no Ryan had to be so fucking difficult. Nothing she seemed to do was working. Shane felt like a trained monkey doing everything she thought Ryan would want or make her take her back to no avail. She felt uneasy about this. This kind of thing didn’t happen to her. This girl was making her work for it and she didn’t know if she liked it yet. Actually she didn’t know how to feel. Carmen was on her mind too but in a different way than Ryan. Ryan haunted her Carmen simply peaked her interest from time to time. Shane still couldn’t grasp the concept that Carmen left and then came back. That she had given up Ryan for sex with Carmen and that Carmen wanted her but she wanted Ryan. It was too confusing. Shane didn’t like to think or have big emotional epiphanies that shit was for people like Jenny or Alice not her. Love. She made a spitting sound with her mouth as if the world was bitter but in the end wasn’t it. How easy it would be if her heart ached for Carmen like it did in the months of her absence before Ryan came along and changed her whole of thinking, but no love had to be a bitch. She admitted she loved Ryan only to get turned down well not exactly turned down friends was what Ryan was offering. Friends. Another word that left a bad taste. How can you be friends with someone you fucked? It felt unnatural to her which was why she pledged to never fuck her friends. But she wanted more than fuck Ryan. She wanted her mind, body, and soul. She was 31 for crying out loud everybody in her gang of friends had somebody to come home to and she had nothing. She wasn’t as content to be the lone wolf as she had before. Bette had Jodi, Kit had Angus, Alice had Dana, Tina had Henry even if they were on the verge of breaking up, and Jenny had her fictional writing characters.