For the past few hours, I’ve been able to sleep peacefully. No nightmares, no tears, and no startled, abrupt journeys back to the land of awareness.  I’m thankful for the restful sleep. I know Tina is grateful too. I think these nightmares affect her as much as they affect me. She asks me what the nightmares are about, but fear takes hold of me. I can’t say. I can’t tell her my one defeating weakness. She deserves the truth, but sometimes the truth hurts worse than not knowing.  I’d rather keep it to myself than put my emotional turmoil on her shoulders.  After 10 years, you’d think she’d know everything about me, but she doesn’t.  She knows enough to love me, but if she knew it all, she’d hate me. I fear the day that the truth emerges. It never stays hidden for long.

My reverie is interrupted by a knock on the door.  I sigh, not wanting to leave the safety and comfort of my bed and Tina’s arms. I reach for my robe, and walk to the door. As I get closer, I hear a voice.

“Come on Porter! I know you’re awake! Open the door!”

I smile wearily at Alice’s early morning bossiness. I open the door to see a flushed face, angry Alice.

“What the fuck took you so long? I’ve been knocking for at least 5 minutes!”

“Good morning to you too, Alice. I’m sorry, but I really didn’t hear you knocking. Can you please keep it down? Tina is still asleep.”

She pushes her way past me and into the house and sits on the sofa.

“So..what’s bothering you? You never show up to my house this time of morning and definitely not in this mood.”

“It’s Tasha. Something is up with her. She didn’t come home last night.”

“Have you heard from her at all?”

“Not a call or a text or anything! I don’t know what to do! Who can I call? She is the police! I swear if she was out with Jamie again, I’m gonna..”

“Alice! Stop! Just take a deep breath. You’re getting too wound up!” I watch her struggle to get her emotions under control. She inhales deeply and exhales a ragged sigh. I can see her eyes water. She’s beginning to come undone. I know how hard this Jamie situation has been on her. She licks her lips as she tries to speak. Her brow is furrowed as she tries to think of what to say. Suddenly, she looks defeated and looks down at her hands. I wish I could comfort her, but I don’t know what to do.