I never thought things would end this way.

I shouldn’t say things. Our love. Our relationship. Our life together. Our future.

My first, my last, my only, the only home I’ve ever known that was secure from the start.

I should have seen the signs. I was a complete imbecile, blind to the reality of the circumstances. Or maybe so lost in the pain, grief, and hope that my own selfish need to pacify would make us stronger. Selfish, because I couldn’t get over the pain. So I rectified my guilt and problems without my partner’s knowledge.

Why?!?

Melvin. Yolanda. Faye Fucking Buckley. The arrest and even the protesters. All things we withstood. But the miscarriage—the pain and hurt in her eyes. The unbearable aftermath of loosing our son is what finally pushed me to go through with it.

It’s bittersweet. My motivation was a twisted expression of love and devotion. We would leave every ounce of pain and past failures behind. Steadfast in the depth of our love through the solace of our commitment. There was never any doubt I prayed I would be able to endure it all. She is the only woman I love, the only woman I desire, and the only woman I need.

But the moment I saw them together, I knew. I try to find the definitive moment that Candace could have been avoided, but if not Candace it would have been someone else. It’s ironic how quickly your heart turns cold then your emotions function on auto-pilot. Before I saw them caress hands my body shook. I could not cry, but my soul wept. I clutched my stomach as I exited the gallery.

I do not know which is worst morning sickness or heartbreak. It is obvious that I can no longer hide the pregnancy. I relive the confrontation every night I close my eyes. I have to find away to cope without harming the baby. I can’t keep sleeping on a lumpy couch, but I hate the loneliness and longing. I have been in seclusion for nearly five months, interacting with people when necessary.

Lost in my own world, I fail to hear Dr. Wilson reprimand me on running from the situation which could prove more harm than good. Brought back to reality by my only confidant wiping away my tears.

" It’s all over WeHo that the Golden Couple is done. I know I couldn’t take the glares, stairs, and gossip being blatantly spewed in front of me." The compassion in Dr. Wilson’s eyes ever present.

 "You need to face things for the sake of your own peace of mind!" She gently rubs my back and prepares my prescriptions. "I think it’s best you speak to Kit. If not at least protect yourself legally until you know what state of mind your ex-partner is in!" I nod as we leave the hospital.

"I will help you with whatever you need. We’re friends Bette. You are welcome to stay with Lei Ling and I as long as you need" He said, securing me in the passenger seat. "I know I’m the father, but you used Tina’s egg. Do you really trust her not to hurt you any further?" My tears slow down as I write Kit’s address. "Thanks Marcus. But I just don’t how to trust Tina anymore…." Watching the road as I prepare to face my new reality.