As I sat there I couldn’t breathe or think straight. My mind was heavy. I couldn’t believe what I had done in recent months; who was I? I went against all my convictions and found myself squandering between an illusion of who I once was and who I am now. I was still there somewhere, I was hoping she would still come and find me.

As I focused on the good memories I have of us two in our home; I felt sickened with guilt. Our marriage was broken and I was the home-wrecker. I hate that term but that’s what I’d done, took the place I once called ‘home’ for granted because for more than a split second I risked everything I had.

As the sun burnt my skin by the pool, and as the birds tweeted I’d never felt more alone in my life. This was normally where I came for solitude and escape all the prestige of the We Ho ways of life. Now this seemed like I was torturing my own soul, twisting and pulling every inch until I could feel something other than the numb.

I wished she knew how much I regret misplacing her trust and cheating with my body. My heart always had stayed true, but I knew she would never she it like that. And she didn’t. I’d hurt her deeply and no words would suppress the amount of grief I had caused.

I see her from time to time you know, in those awkward moments where she looks at me like she doesn’t even know who I am like we had never met. I don’t know what hurts the most that I won’t get her back or that she wants to cross the street to avoid me at any given chance.

I’m at her mercy, forever in her debt that won’t ever be restored. I see fear in her eyes and sarrow. I did that. Made her unable to trust someone she was ready to spend the rest of her life with, and I regrettably sank to the lowest of lows. A sin for which I’m paying for. I suck in the brisk air hard, searching for answers I was yet to find, the sun beating down and bruising my skin to an extend it felt good to feel hot; anything other than cold was a relief.