I’ve been sitting here on my couch since I got home last night. It wasn’t my plan to leave Helena’s without talking to her. But, after Alice’s tirade, her threat of calling in reinforcements and the slamming of the door in my face, I decided it would be best if I left. What I needed to say to Helena was between us, just me and her. Not me and her and her friends.

That’s how this whole mess happened. That stupid “Test”. That damn ass Jenny. Why couldn’t Jenny just leave us alone? And Tina. Tina, the one who I thought would understand me, my fear and why I ran away. Why couldn’t she just tell Helena what I said without getting the rest of them involved? If Tina had done that then the “Test” would have never happened. Helena and I would have went to dinner together like we planned. We would have talked. I would have explained everything. All of it.

Who am I kidding? After what I did to her three years ago how could I have thought it would be that simple. That she would just forgive and forget that easily. That her friends wouldn’t be suspicious of me and want to protect her from me. They were her friends after all and that is what friends do. In truth, I’m glad she has them: Tina, Alice, Kit, Shane and Bette. Hell, even Jenny, well maybe not Jenny. Helena has good friends who care about her. Friends she can count on to be there for her.

Before I met Helena I never thought I needed anyone. I thought I could take care of myself. The only one I needed was me. Maybe, if I had opened myself up to someone enough to become a friend, my life would have been different. Maybe, I would have had someone to care about me the way they care about Helena. Maybe, I would have had someone to count on to be there for me, the way they are for Helena.

When I look back in my life the closest person I ever had to a friend was Danny and I wouldn’t exactly refer to him as a friend. What Danny and I shared was not a friendship or a loving relationship, it was a business partnership. I got what I wanted and he got what he wanted. I wanted to make documentaries and he wanted the money that came in from my documentaries. He, of course, on occasion also wanted my body. Danny called it a business with benefits. So, I let him have my body. That was the contract I entered into with him. It was all business. Just business, until Helena came into our lives.