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    Moi Lolita #02

    Story written on April 14, 2011 by caramel4vanilla.
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    Number of Comments: 1
    Words: 988
    Story Shortlink: https://lesfan.com/?p=77204
    Author Notes:

    3 years have past, but the feelings are still raw.

    As I stood there at the foot of her gate, I felt like a prisoner to the outside world. I wasn’t entirely sure she still lived here, but either way it brought back so many memories. It was hard to understand, or even comprehend the extent of the pain I had caused.

    She was the one person who I truly felt could give me the world and more, and yet for me that just still didn’t seem possible.

    I know its the oldest cliché in the book, but it wasn’t her it was me. I had so many unresolved issues I was unsure of my own abilities to give her exactly what she needed. She deserved to be loved wholly and completely with everything I had to give. And what I had to give was inadequate at that point in time.

    Demons of my past relationships exhausted my body, deep down I had always known I was gay in some twisted way. But I guess I let men use me because it was easy to be used. I got a safety network not a very good one; but at least I had that.

    I don’t know how to win her back; or make her realize that what I did was a huge mistake. Partly I had felt ambushed by Danny to extort money from Helena, but the other part of me knew that what I was about to do was wrong. Right there and then I shouldn’t have gotten any deeper involved, but I was the decoy to make all this possible.

    I did love her; although I let myself do something so sordid and damn right malicious it didn’t change how I had felt about her.

    I decided while Helena needed time; without me in her life. I would move but still stay close., but not too close that we would run into each other on a daily basis. I didn’t want to let go of her completely. As much as she seemed to want to let go of me.

    I’d sent her the letter over a month ago; I hadn’t left a contact number for her purposely to get in touch. I had a feeling she wouldn’t want to, never the less I had tried on numerous occasions beforehand to get in contact with her but always failed.

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