“I have to go, this is all too much for me”. I broke away from the embrace. I gathered my things and left. I didn’t look back the pain was too excruciating to put myself through.

She never uttered a word, I thought that was the best thing for both of us. I had to breathe, as I closed the door behind me I rested my back on the door.

It was final; she’d made the appointment to abort our child. And I had no president to stop her from going through with this as I didn’t have no rights to the foetus. I knew if I tried to fight on this she would go through with it before I even had chance to seek legal advice..

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” I peeled my body off the door frame, my body was limp I dragged myself back to my car. I sat there for a while, not knowing how to even process all my thoughts, emotions and sense of loss.

It was like an outer body experience watching the light fall into darkness as the bustle of night came to life. All these people surrounded me and I still felt alone. I wiped the tears that had bruised my skin, I felt empty and more alone than I ever had in my life.

It was a dumbfounding experience to be feeling, I promised Tina I would be there for her yet it was like my brain refused to digest all the information. I hadn’t even wrapped my head around the fact that Tina was definitely going to have an abortion yet alone be booked in for the termination.

This was it; from now on it would be me. No Tina, no baby and certainly no family. I felt uncomfortable within my own skin. My heart had slowed, and my breathing was shallow. I never thought I suffered with panic attacks but since Tina left me, I’d been experiencing anxiety within myself and everything that surrounded me.

She had made her decision it was final, I knew this was a huge mistake. But how could I make her see sense; I had tried and I knew she had battled with this decision for a while before I even knew about the pregnancy.

I looked at the time on the dash; 22:03. I had been sat here for over two hours. Lost in thought about everything that meant anything to me. I decided to make a move before I did something completely idiotic like begging outside of Helena’s house for Tina to come back to me and life would be dandier than before. If only things were that easy.

I turned the key in the ignition, and put my foot on the gas. I didn’t know where I was heading. It was where ever the roads lead me, the pretty twinkle of lights that shone beautifully had me mesmerised. I hadn’t took the time to notice before the effect light had on my frame of mind.

It soothed my anxious feelings; threatening to make my head explode. I drove in silence, trying to absorb my surroundings but the lights shone so brightly that everything was one gigantic canvas of colour.

I went from intersection to intersection, gliding effortlessly through the city. I didn’t even have a destination in mind, I wanted to escape my own thoughts. The worst thing about losing Tina was she was my best friend. Although many people would never have thought it; she was. The only person to look out for my best interests; keep me happy and best of all she gave me love like no one else could.

The darkness fell quickly, flashing lights blinded my vision. It had all happened too quickly. I didn’t even see it coming. There I lay in a cold, dark despair; feeling like I’d be dragged around and trampled on. I was sore, really sore it was painful to breathe.

I couldn’t quite work out why my eyes were sealed shut, even with every effort I couldn’t peel them open. I heard distant beeping; like some sort of machine.

On the other side of town Tina was still sitting where herself and Bette had been many hours before. As much as she was hurting and struggling to keep her head above water; guilt did strike her. Bette had left upset and that was understandable, she didn’t mean to hurt her.

Over the past month or so Tina hadn’t cried as many tears as she had when she was within Bette’s presence, her soul was crushing but so was the brunette’s.

She had thought about keeping the child, hell she hadn’t even thought about abortion. Life was far from paradise. But no matter what had happened in the whole time they had been life partners they made it through all the stormy weathers. It may not have been a perfect shelter; but it was a shelter nonetheless.

Tina was battling her own personal demons and they were dark, troubled and had never been brought to the surface. The reason she had left North Carolina was to escape a life she desperately wanted rid of. Her father was a devote Christian who believed in making the woman stay at home; to cook and clean.

But Tina knew that, yes to her partner who ever that maybe she would provide those things out of love not out of feeling it was her duty to do so. She had failed slightly at that with her domesticated life with Bette. Sometimes she would over compensate for other things she lacked.

She earned less money than Bette, her social status was just above par and let’s face it she felt inadequate to her caramel beauty.

Tina’s mother Eleanor, had always understood Tina was different from a young age more complex than her younger sister Louisa would ever be. Their relationship wasn’t close but they understood each other enough to know that neither was completely justifiable to comment on one another’s morals.

When Tina was 15, she had been at the age where she started to rebel under the tight reinforcement of her father David’s rules. Rebellion is a stage where you want to go against everything your parents say just because it’s cool to do so; all your friends do it. For Tina it was never like that, she knew she was different and wanted to experiment with her unconscious thoughts.

She fancied her best friend Sarah, they had met through friends of friends and it soon became apparent to Tina she had feelings that went a lot further than friendship.

Although she wasn’t initially scared of acting upon those feelings; she was scared if her father ever was to find out he would make her life hell and she knew it.

Tina set about a secret meaningless relationship with Sarah. Their attraction to one another was undeniable but things were getting harder to hide from the rest of the towns evident prying eyes and twitching curtains.

Tina had made a plan to cover up her secret relationship by creating a diversion; a boy. Although her father wouldn’t be pleased she knew it would give her family peace of mind.

Carter, was a semi-popular kid at school him and Tina weren’t exactly friends but they had come up with an agreement. That he would pretend to be Tina’s boyfriend in exchange he wanted; sex. It wasn’t supposed to sound seedy. Carter was a nice enough boy and Tina trusted him in a certain respect. He thought he may be gay, but had never actually experienced sex with either sexes. So he wanted his first time with a girl to be with Tina. She was pretty, relatively popular and had likable qualities it just seemed to make sense.

Tina agreed it seemed fair having sex with Carter was nothing. She did like boys and Carter seemed to treat her different to the other boys who just made vile comments and innuendo’s when ever she walked by.

A week later Tina and Carter embarked on sexual intimacy. It was a lust lacking affair, but nonetheless quite enjoyable. Tina had shocked herself. She had enjoyed having sex with Carter but she knew it would never be anything more with men. Just SEX.

Carter kept up his end of the bargain and would hold Tina’s hand where necessary round school. He wanted it to look as authentic as possible after all Tina had given him something no other girl could; piece of mind. He didn’t feel now he had to choose a label for his sexuality instead enjoy the promiscuity of it all. He would play it safe in this small neighbourhood and understood why Tina felt the need to take extra precautions.

6 weeks later Tina had found out she was pregnant she had missed her period and she was smart enough to know that Sarah couldn’t get her pregnant. They had used contraception but it must have split. Carter was supportive in a way no other boy would have been at his age. He was willing to support Tina in any decision she made. They had both decided together that the best thing would be to have an abortion.

When David her father had found out because Tina needed parental permission, as she was still a minor he hit the roof. He went ballistic her mother cowered, and never uttered a word to Tina other than in private.

Tina’s father had told her that she was living in sin. She was a dirty whore among other unpleasant names. She was to get married to the boy who had got her pregnant or move out from under his roof. Not before expressing his hatred for his daughter, the sinner and overall disappointment he had not even wanted her to be born.

Their was conflict; it was heated he had punched Tina repeatedly in the stomach when she had refused to get married just because she was pregnant. She would not be bullied or cohurst into making a decision for someone else. She was and had always been strong minded and very aware of her own thoughts and feelings.

She winced at the pain, her mother just stood there and let him physically hurt his first born child. That had been the final straw with Tina, her mother had not even tried to stop her father.

Tina did struggle with her father but it was no use, he was much stronger and had height compared to her tiny frame.

Tina was snapped out her state of disbelief when her cell had started buzzing. Her past had brought back unwanted memories and hurt.

She fumbled around for her cell in her bag, “Hello”. “Hello is this Tina Kennard?”.

“Yes this is her”.

“This is Alicia, I’m a nurse at St. Austin’s hospital. We have someone here by the name of Bette Porter and you’re named as her next of kin.”

“B..Be.. Bette Porter? She’s ok isn’t?”. She has to be ok Tina felt a sickness wash over her body. She couldn’t be sure if it was because of the pregnancy or the fact Bette was in hospital. She felt a sharp pain hit in her lower abdomen.