As I walked the short distance back to the club, a rush of guilt flooded through my body. The intensity of what just happened, felt like a dream. One which I always replayed. Dylan still had this unpending control over me, I couldn’t understand why. Even after everything she had done to me, when she touches me and looks at me that way everything else washes away.

The greatest love I ever felt. But the result was my first heartbreak; no other woman had crushed me the way she had.

As the music vibrates through my body, I wanted to forget what had just happened. How had I been so stupid to give in so easily; she didn’t even explain. Even though I knew deep down that any explanation couldn’t result in me feeling what she did was ok. It was more than the money; so much more.

I stood at the end of the bar the bartender slid a drink in my direction, it was needed to keep my feelings hidden.

Oh no. Here she comes. What I am I going to say to her? Play it cool Helena.

******

After the other night I was more confused than I had been in a long while. Helena kissing me was surreal, for a few moments it was like the past never existed. The hurt I caused didn’t exist, we were in love.

Then she pulled away. Not even saying a word and then she swayed her way back towards the club. I know I was the coward before; but now I was ready to face the skeletons in my closet. Still 3 years on, I was no closer to giving my explanation to Helena. I was hesitant about whether I should still pursue this, or leave well alone.

I had battled with decision since the day I left town. In all honesty, I knew it was pointless to think she would ever take me back. But I wanted her to know why I did what I did regardless of the outcome. She deserved that much.

I found out through getting information from contacts Helena had another property she lived in. This was closer to her businesses, I knew Helena was always efficient in how she ran her businesses so this made sense. I would probably have more joy at this property. Anything was worth a try, even if she still refused to speak with me.

I parked my car and made my way to the door marked 2401. It made me smile was it fate; destiny? The day we met was the 24th May. I bet that was a day she wished to forget.

I stood facing the door, my heart felt like it couldn’t withstand any more disappointment. This could be the day any glimmer of hope at reconciliation could be destroyed.

I tapped her door, my throat was suffering from a dry tickle. I waited; nothing. As I was about to knock again. There she stood. Her face was a picture. She was stuck in mid conversation she hadn’t noticed it was me at first.

I stood there not sure if to speak too soon. She also was at a loss for words.

“How did you know I lived here?” Her words were empty, no emotion behind them.

“I.. I erm asked around. After the other night I wasn’t sure if to come. But… I still owe you an explanation I just want you to hear me out. Then after that if you still decide you don’t want to talk to me. I promise you won’t see me again.”

She stood there her eyes scoping mine. It was as if she didn’t trust herself within my presence.

She adjusted her body to allow me the space to come inside. I politely waited for her to shut the door, this property was new to me. The decor was Helena there was no doubt in my mind this was her doing. The magnolia infused walls with red and purple delicate curvature of squirls that if you looked deep enough you could see they were interlacing to become flowers. At this point as beautiful as the display was, I realised there was still so much I didn’t know about the love of my life.

I followed her to what could only be described as a lounge. Plumply placed in the middle were two oversized sofa’s surrounding the glass coffee table. The theme continued somewhat, I finally noticed the sorrow that spent over her eyes. She waved her hand for me to take a seat.

I sat unsure of how this was going to go, I’d rehearsed this at least a thousand times over what I was going to say but I couldn’t remember what I had written.

She looked over at me, worry lines crinkled her forehead. The beauty of her even dishevelled, could never mask the beauty she held.

“Thank you for giving me this time. I know deep down you probably didn’t want to. This is hard for me to say, I haven’t told this to anyone.” I could feel the burden that I had been careful to bury, slowly want to break down. She needed to know this, we had to move on from the pain I had caused. Whether that was moving on together or apart.

“In your own time tell me, I’m not sure what you’re going to tell me but I assure you I wouldn’t have let you inside unless I planned to listen.” I watched as she scrapped her fingers through her sleek hair, I admired the beauty of how different her face looked without the untamed curls that would frame her face perfectly.

“The thing is…. Mine and Danny’s relationship was always complicated. You see he helped me and gave me a life I only dreamed of having. I was a…. A prostitute. A hooker. What ever you would want to describe me as. I was taken into care when I was 12. I spent 4 years being pushed from pillow to post. Until finally I escaped that life at the age of 16. Still I struggled to adjust to the expectations of life.” I glanced over to see the horror mask her face, she was anxious I could sense it. I didn’t want her to feel sorry for me, I hoped she didn’t.

I continued, “I was homeless for a long while, before I got into jay walking. It was only way I could ensure I would eat. It worked for a while, I was used to being used at least this way I was getting paid for my services. I did this for a while. Then I met Danny. He was the first person who didn’t want anything from me. I met him when I was 23, at first I thought he was looking for business. He paid me to just spend time with him. We never once had sex in those times. Gradually we built up a relationship. It took me some time to place my trust within him, but eventually we found an arrangement that suited us. He got me into film he brought my equipment, he even brought me lessons on videography. I don’t know this is hard for me… I hate to think of myself as that person before I met him. If it wasn’t for him I would have probably died selling my body. He found out about my feelings towards you… He made me feel guilty for somehow leaving him as an after thought. After everything he done for me, I didn’t know what to do. Yes I was wrong for what I did to you. A million ‘I’m sorries’ wouldn’t be enough I know that but… I got manipulated and cohurst into making that decision to sit in that board room that day. For that….”

I felt the tears trickle down my face, I hadn’t felt so much pain. The words I had just spoken, I’d kept hidden from everyone who ever surrounded me including the only woman to truly capture my heart. She knew the truth now. She wouldn’t want me anyway.

“I’m sorry to interrupt H, but I’ve got to leave for work now. So I will call you later.”

“Oh shit sorry. I should go.” I leapt up from the sofa. I felt foolish I’d laid myself bare and not just too Helena. This wasn’t going to plan.

“Dylan, no stay. Alyssa this is Dylan, Dylan this is Alyssa.”

“Nice to meet you”. That was a lie. I observed her eyes tracing my body. Had she heard everything I said? I had to escape the sickness that buried itself so deep in my body.

Helena looked to be caught between the crossfire. Which one to save. I couldn’t wait around to see her choose her.

“I’ve got to go”. I practically ran to my car. As the tears of the past spilt over. I was in a dark place, every last thought perturbed my soul. Why did I think this would help me close this chapter in my life, make her forgive me.

********

I ran to the door, but I could only watch as her car pulled away. I forget Alyssa was still here.

I was worried about Dylan. I watched as Alyssa left for work. I had to find Dylan. The pain I felt had never left my heart and it was plain to see that it hadn’t for her too. As much as I knew this didn’t make everything ok. I wanted her to know I knew it took a lot for her to tell me about the life she lived long before we even met.

I sank into the sofa, my mind in a world of its own. I couldn’t decipher what Dylan had just told me. Despite my own pain, I knew Dylan needed me her pain was subsequent to my own.

It was harder than I thought to find her. I drove for what seemed like hours, even though in reality I sped faster than I knew I should.

I found her door in the multi complex, I pounded the door just as hard as my heart pounded my rib cage. There she was a sight for sore eyes, a beautiful mess.