This was me; for once I didn’t have a plan. All my life I planned, even down to the last detail of my schedule. I always had issues relenting control, I felt with Tina I had to be the macho guy in some sense. Take care of all her needs; bring home the bacon. In the entire decade I had known Tina I always placed her in this box, like she was too delicate to deal with everything life had to throw at her. But never once did I think she would make a decision based on her own values nor did I believe she was truly capable of such a thing.

I knew I had placed myself in the role of wearing the trousers. I had been too rash with that decision, but in heart of all hearts I had always been the stronger more dominant female out of all my relationships. It was a role that suited my main characteristics so it always came naturally.

But with Tina, I felt under scrutiny with all of my being. She left a man for me, although a lot of lesbians dream of that scenario the insecurities I felt that came with it as the relationship progressed were a tremendous strain with every passing day.

I hide my pain well; always have. It has become routine as I age, sometimes I know I have to release all the stress, pain and natural emotions. I have a tendency to feel that I would be seen as a weak link, so I decipher from opening myself completely to anyone person even Tina.

*********

The image of Tina pottering around the kitchen made my heart skip a beat. When she was in the kitchen preparing food she always lost herself in that moment, either humming or singing. Her voice was always a little out of tune; but that’s what made it even more adorable to watch.

Helena was cooking dinner for all of us tonight and Tina had decided to be Helena’s assistant. I did feel useless because I couldn’t help, but as Tina politely reminded me no one wanted to suffer from food poisoning.

“So Tina why don’t you and Bette relax while I glaze the meat; you’ve been on your feet all day.”

“Its ok I don’t mind helping”. Helena’s eyes showed she wasn’t taking no for an answer. So Tina finally abandoned any hope of escaping being within Bette’s presence.

We sat down on the sofa, at opposite ends slowly sipping our wine. I hadn’t realised until now that Tina was drinking alcohol, I guess part of me wanted to forget what had happened to our child. As I looked over I could see the roundness to her stomach, that just made matters that much worse.

We had skated around one another for the past few hours, all I wanted was to talk to her. But I was terrified; everything we had before was lost.

The silence was all that filled the air, that and the background noise behind us from Helena preparing the food.

On my medication I knew I shouldn’t be drinking alcohol but Helena ensured me I would need it if I was to pluck up the courage to talk to Tina. Like the good friend she was she had diluted my wine with tonic water; the little sentiments never went unnoticed.

I didn’t want to upset Tina, this was her home now. Even though it didn’t seem right, it was what it was.

I trailed my eyes over her body, soaking in every last detail and freckles that signified the comparison between our skin tones. Her body had never seemed as beautiful as it did now the fullness and voltuptuousness of her shape held me captivated.

I lowered my eyes trying to focus on the glass I held in my hand. It was then I was filled with the sudden intensity she was looking at me. Her eyes burning into me, she was nervous I could sense it.

“I love you”. Blurted from my lips as minute as a whisper. I wasn’t quite sure why at that exact moment those words had left my mouth. But I knew it had been an honest statement.

********

How do I tell her? I feel the tension between us; there’s no denying it. Its never been as strong as it has now.

I guess its true what they say the eyes are the window to the soul because her’s speak to me in volumes.

The sarrow coated her chocolate orbs, a stirring awakening within my heart. I’d never stopped loving her. Nor do I think it would ever forget a love beyond just words. We showed one another what the depths of love could bring. My heart was still bruised, it was like I couldn’t shake it or make it fade. The one person who made me this way was the only person who could make it fade.

Did I hear her right she still ‘loved me’? I couldn’t tell her I loved her back. She had to know the truth. Could she love me even if this wasn’t what she planned for?

*******

I heard Helena’s phone ring, both me and Tina were thankful for the distraction as the tone drowned out the silence.

“Hello, erm yeah. That’s today? Sorry I completely forgot. Sure I won’t be long. Love you too bye.”

“Hey guys I guess I’ve got to love you and leave ya’s I’m afraid. Me, Dana, Alice and some girl they’ve set me up with are going for dinner”.

I looked at Tina. She looked like Helena had told her the world was about to end.

I felt the blow that leashed itself upon my heart. It was like a twist of jealously had arose within me. Maybe she felt more for Helena than just friends? Stop, stop were not going to come to conclusions over a simple expression. I had to tell myself I was overreacting like I always did.

I watched as they hugged one another. Helena winked at me it was then I knew this was a plot on her behalf to push us in the right direction. I found myself smiling at the only friend who was willing to help get me and Tina back together.

I hugged Helena as she whispered into my ear, “Show Tina how much you’ve changed, she just needs you to reassure her.” We parted ourselves as I found the encouragement to be everything Tina needed now not what I though she wanted.

Helena gathered her things leaving us completely alone. It was a strange feeling setting in, even though we had been alone before I knew this was going to be a long night.

I dished us up both a plate of food each whilst Tina refilled our glasses. We mainly sat in silence while we ate but this was what was killing me.

I began, “So you want us to talk. Were not meant to be hiding from one another Tee, yet it’s like you’ve been avoiding me for the past couple of hours.”

“I guess I’m nervous how this talk is going to end. I mean we haven’t exactly been friends throughout all of this. You make me nervous. Making me feel all the things my heart tells me I’m not suppose too.” Her honesty made me blush. It felt good to hear that maybe deep down within her there maybe was a possibility Tina could forgive me.

“I make you nervous? I feel like I have no clue where or if you want me to be any part of your life. And I really want to be there for you. I know you had the abortion, but I still love you that won’t ever change Tina. It doesn’t change anything in my eyes. I just hope you can forgive me one day.” I spoke as I twirled the pasta around my fork, I wasn’t particularly hungry any more. I just wanted Tina to be completely honest with me and that she still wanted me around.

“Bette I… Didn’t have an abortion.” She looked over at me as her eyes smiled. I was flying on cloud nine. How did her words manage to take me to places others only dreamed of.

“You didn’t but I… Helena told me you was ill and your drinking wine. Oh I’m so confused right now Tee.”

She laughed at my plight.

“It’s a rare situation I find myself in with you because you’re never confused this easily.” She smiled as she removed my plate and took my hand before continuing, “I was ill because I retracted an infection, when I saw you in hospital that way I fainted. That’s when I myself was admitted to the hospital. I nearly lost the baby.” I felt her body shudder, I lost my breath it got caught in my trachea at the utter thought of losing our child. But I couldn’t comprehend that I was ok before in thinking she had an abortion. How had she dealt with this on her own? Why had no one told me?

“So you came to see me? Why did no one not even Kit tell me what had happened to you?” I wasn’t angry at the situation, just upset no one had told me the truth not even Helena.

“Of course I came to see you. Bette it maybe hard for you to believe but I can’t just cut you out of my life that easy. I’ve tried and failed miserably so far, you’re meant to be apart of my life whether that was as lovers or friends I think God had a plan for us. Kit doesn’t know I’m pregnant and Helena didn’t want to interfere it was my choice not to tell you. I wanted to make sure you would get better. I knew you would have tried to discharge yourself otherwise.”

“I guess you know me too well. So can I be apart of this child’s life and yours? I promise things will be different this time I won’t let you down.”

“Bette I want you to be apart of both of our lives but this doesn’t mean we are getting back together. I realise how selfish I was being before, not allowing you to have a say in what happened with our child. I’m sorry for that, I guess I was going through a lot of things some which I’m still working on. But I’m getting there.” Tina pinched our hands in a tighter embrace.

“I know you may think this is stupid but I’m relieved you want me to be there for both of you. I’ve been waiting so long…” I pushed my head up into the air trying to prevent my tears from falling. “So wow you’re actually going to give birth to OUR child?”. My tears had escaped onto my cheeks, these were ones of mixed emotions. I was going to be a mother after all. Tina wanted me in her life.

“I guess so. I have to you have always been observant now even more so. I’m not drinking wine like you think. Mine is non alcoholic. Helena brought it for me, I guess because I kind of miss having a glass of wine with dinner so this is a compromise”.

“Well in recent weeks I haven’t drank. I’ve told myself its not the answer to my problems. When you left I drank my self into oblivion every night. It was ok at first it made me forget and numb the pain. But as soon as the affects wore off it would hit me like a tornado taking everything in its power with it. I got help, I see a therapist now.”

“I remember those times when I had to drag you to our therapy sessions kicking and screaming. I’m glad you’re working on yourself right now. I’m working on ‘me’. You know this is the first time in 12years I’ve been single. And pregnant for that matter.”

We both laughed in unison. The tension wasn’t completely gone but at least it was easing. Tina has yet again made me feel like the luckiest woman alive.

“12years huh? For me it’s been 10years until you I was never in a relationship.”

“You haven’t but I though you went out with Alice?”

“That was more like a hook up, you can hardly call what me and Alice had a relationship. As cheesy as this may sound I’d never wanted to be in relationship with anyone until I met you.”

I didn’t even know why I was telling Tina this but I felt it was time to be honest to all the parts of me I kept hidden. I couldn’t lose Tina. I’d already done that. I wouldn’t be scared she wouldn’t love me or think of me as weak. I had nothing left to lose other than my peace of mind and own personal growth.

“Wow Bette that’s a lot to process. We have so much to talk about but firstly what are you doing on the 20th?”

“Wait that’s next Thursday, nothing why?”.

“It’s when I’m scheduled for the sonograph and if you want to be there you’re more than welcome. I’m sure me and this little one would appreciate going as a family. Both mothers”.

I saw the tears twinkle in her eyes and my stomach churn. I was yet again overwhelmed that Tina wanted me to be involved I didn’t want to push her to make decisions. I was glad eventually our little girl or boy would be here. I took a deep enjoyment of the prospect of becoming a mother. Only Tina could give me a gift so precious.