Alyssa had kept where she was taking me a surprise. It had been a while since I was happy to indulge in surprises, I normally hated them. I just had a good feeling about this in the pit of my stomach.

I smiled as she drove carefully and unperturbed in a world of her own. She had caught me staring, “Why are you looking at me that way?”.

“Am I not allowed to stare lovingly at my beautiful girlfriend”. I winked in her direction. I could spot the blush covering her cheeks even if it was quite humid in the car.

“I suppose I have no choice if you want to stare at me”. She smiled as she changed gear, carefully watching other drivers that were in view. God she was protective but in an endearing way. I hadn’t noticed before how much she put my happiness essentially before her own. How could her ex let a woman like this go? She was everything.

A few hours later we arrived in a small remote town. I was astonished at just how small it seemed. As I breathed in the thick crisp air I was reminded of home. Not L.A but my real home. What is it they say ‘you can take a girl out there home but you can’t take the home out of the girl’. Well something along those lines Mommy used to always tell me that when we first moved out here.

“So what do you think?” I heard her say as I followed her with a few bags, as she carried the most heaviest.

“It’s absolutely gorgeous. I was just thinking how much it reminds me of home”.

She didn’t reply, we continued to walk into the cottage like house. It was indeed the biggest thing around here, well for a few miles at least.

I carefully observed as the old lady behind the counter and Alyssa talked. Something about the way they joked with each other it was like they already knew one another. I would ask later what it was about as I didn’t want to appear rude in front of the old woman.

“Follow me”. I did. Not uttering a word. Everything seemed fine until now. I was edgy. Why did it feel like she had been here before? It unnerved me. I just didn’t know why. Alyssa had been to the same restaurant me and Dylan went so what was so different now? She would have had to share a bed with someone. This isn’t the type of place you come with your friend; this was a romantic weekend getaway. I guess I had it wrong. I was however many people down the line she had used this on.

We arrived at the room marked #01 with a gold plated finish. The rooms weren’t electronic we had a key, clearly life before technology but I thought it gave the place an rustic feel to it.

I walked in after her, the room was so beautifully old it was like something out of the movies. It was like the countryside in England where you had to venture out miles for civilisation but that was the pure beauty in it.

I slumped my body onto the bed as I took in my surroundings. It was a beautiful place with a homely feel to it. To be perfectly honest I hated hotels I just couldn’t ever get my head around the fact someone had slept in the same bed before me. I guess one of my weird phobia’s.

We hadn’t spoken. For once it felt awkward to be around her. And what a time for that to strike when we are alone in the middle of no where and the only person I know is her.

“So what do you fancy doing? Exploring the ground, grabbing something to eat, taking a bath or me.” She laughed and I found myself making a stifled laugh. Sex was the last thing I was in the mood for.

“How about I take a relaxing bath and then we could maybe grab a bite to eat.” I needed to be alone right now. I needed to talk to someone but not her.

“Ok sure. I will give you some space I’ll be at the bar.”

I didn’t reply I just let her leave. I ran my bath, contemplating on who to ring for advice or just a chance to clear my mind.

As the water filled the bath, my mind drifted to the one person I had been trying to forget. Dylan.

Without really contemplating my actions I dialled her number. I heard the dialling tone as I patiently waited for her to pick up. Just as I thought I was making a huge mistake by calling her voice bellowed through my body leaving traces of goosebumps on my arms.

“Hello”

“Hi Dylan.”

“I didn’t expect to hear from you this weekend I thought you and Alyssa were going on a romantic vacation.”

“We are”. Were all the words I could muster as I suddenly felt cruel and inconsiderate of Dylan’s feelings. But somewhere deep inside of me I wanted to know she cared for me no matter what. I was always selfish when it came to loving her.

“Is everything ok? I’m sure you and Alyssa could be doing better things rather than you sat talking to me”. Dylan sat there even an inkling of love-making between the woman she loved and her new partner; made her feel queasy at the sheer thought.

“Well yes and no. I don’t know if I’m being paranoid.”

“Paranoid about what?” I noticed her tone of voice was soft, raspy as she breathed through her words. I wondered what she was wearing and what she would do to me if I was close enough to touch.

“I don’t know it just seems Alyssa knows the woman I think that owns the hotel. They chatted away like old friends. It just seems weird. Like she’s been here before.”

“Maybe you’re just being paranoid Lena. Maybe they were both just being friendly.” As Dylan spoke through semi-gritted teeth at the prospect of giving her ex-lover’s new squeeze the benefit of the doubt. It was much harder than she initially thought.

“Yeah maybe”.

“Look maybe it’s not what it seems, if you’re that concerned talk to Alyssa about it. That’s one thing we never did talk about what we were thinking or feeling. Everything that happened; happened so fast.”

“You’re right we didn’t. I was always scared if we did talk you would change your mind about being gay. Gather some misconception I had turned you. So many things I wanted to ask but was too afraid. Let’s start now because it’s the perfect opportunity.” I was always too scared to talk about what we shared in case it faded into the darkness. However it did so abruptly and caused a lot of pain.

“You really believe I would have rejected you, in some sense yes Lena you did make me into women. But there’s a difference I was and still am only into you.”

“So does that mean you’re gay, straight or bisexual? What you have said has just confused me even more Dyl.” My heart stopped. Was she going to say she was straight and only liked one woman: me? That line never went down well in any situation.

“Why do we always put a label on how we feel? I’m gay Lena. But that’s because I fell for an amazing woman. And even though I haven’t been with another woman since it won’t change the fact that I’m in love with a woman”.

I could feel the sigh of relief wash over my body as the water pushed itself against my skin. She still loved me. So why couldn’t I just be with her? I loved Alyssa too that’s what made the situation even more unbareable I would have to hurt someone in the equation. How do I know in the end I won’t just hurt myself?

“How do you always know how to shut me up?” I smiled into the phone, I was speechless.

“I guess I have a way with the ladies… Well one that is.” I could sense the flirtation in her voice, but I wasn’t surprised because I was sending out all the signals for her too. I wanted her to make me forget everything even for just a short space of time.

“Can I ask you something and you’ve got to promise me you will answer this honestly”.

“Ok. I’m a little scared. What do you want to know.” The sincerity in her voice made my heart yearn to be close enough to smell her skin, and seek contact with mine.

“How come you haven’t been with another woman since you was with me?”

“I’m not going to lie. I tried but they weren’t you. I couldn’t pretend either. Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this anymore”. I could feel her pain, almost reaching for me, tugging away at my heart. She always had this affect on my heart.

“I didn’t mean to upset you… I was just curious. So when am I going to see you next?”.

Alyssa stood with her back to the bathroom door as she silently let her tears fall. She knew exactly who Helena was on the phone too. She was unsure of whether or not to interrupt, instead she stayed firmly transfixed to that spot. Alyssa had come back to the room to check on Helena, but initially she had forgot her purse. Her heart sank the woman she had grown to love was still in love with her ex. The realisation had hit her like a tornado in full attack.