Everyone makes stupid decisions. Candace, for example. I see her face in my mind’s eye and I don’t know what I was thinking. How could I have been so shortsighted and selfish? I’ve never regretted anything more.

I do try not to live with regret. Alice is always on me about letting things go, dumping my emotional baggage and living in the moment. Alice is my best friend, and thus knows me well enough to know what it is I need to hear, even though she also knows that I will not act on her words, especially in this instance.

I carry things around with me. The ghosts, hurts and pains of a lifetime. Somehow the joys don’t ever stick with me the way they should. Except for where Angelica is concerned.

That’s the beauty of having such a long and detailed memory. Every sweet moment shared with my daughter, I still remember in full. The first time I held her. The first time she laughed, as I played a half-hearted game of peek-a-boo with her. The first time she said hello to me in her garbled baby-speak, as I entered her room.

I remember good times with Tina, too, but not as clearly. It’s more of a mood, a feeling, than a crystal clear memory. Hazy warmth in the corners of my mind and heart that I wrap myself in for comfort.

I don’t know why it is that I remember the regrets more than anything. Like saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, making the wrong choice when it mattered the most, letting Tina down. Maybe Alice is right, and I should make a conscious decision to live in the now and keep my focus on all the positive things. I don’t think it works that way, though. My mind keeps turning back down the same road, in spite of my best efforts.

They say that if you don’t learn from your past, you are bound to repeat it. I definitely don’t want to do that. Tina and I are in a good place now. I’m satisfied with our relationship. I’m happy with our family. But now as we stand at this crossroads, I wonder if five years from now, I’ll look back in retrospect the way I do with my affair with Candace and wish I could tell myself what a mistake I’m making.