I walk through my door. I don’t bother being quiet. I don’t bother sneaking around, that would imply some kind of guilt, and how could I ever feel guilty for spending time with Spencer? I know before I push my bedroom door open that she’s awake, I know without a doubt in my mind, that she’s sitting there on my bed waiting. It doesn’t surprise me when that’s exactly what I see when I push the door open. She’s dressed and ready for work as she sits there with her arms crossed, a mixture of hurt and anger taking over her face as she examines me, as she takes in what I’m wearing, the same thing I was wearing from the night before.
I turn away from her. I can’t stand to look at her because I think she’s been crying. I think I see tearstains on her cheeks and I can’t bear to see them. I can’t see what I know I’m the cause of, what I don’t want to be the cause of. So, I don’t face her. I turn my back and begin rummaging through my drawers, not searching for anything in particular but just needing something to do.

“You didn’t come back last night.” It’s said softly, weakly and I think I’ve finally done it. I’ve finally broken this girl that’s done nothing wrong, that’s done nothing but love me. I turn to face her and she looks so defeated, so fragile that I have to swallow thickly, I have to stop the urge to cry that I feel.

“I had a lot to think about.” I give her a half truth, because right now, I can’t stand to lie to the eyes boring into mine.

She closes her eyes, squeezes them shut so tightly I wonder if it hurts. And I think it might because there are tears traveling down her cheeks. I know she’s aware of who was on my mind, who always seems to be there no matter what. “I should get to work.”

Part of me wants to grab for her, pull her in so tightly and apologize for every tear I’ve caused, every moment of sadness or doubt that I’m responsible for. But I can’t, because there’s another part of me, a much greater part that won’t give her false hope, won’t deceive her into thinking that there’s more to us than killing time. So, I don’t move from my spot. I watch her get up and walk out, not bothering to say goodbye, I don’t think she has it in her to do it, even she can’t pretend that she doesn’t see the true nature of our relationship in this moment.